Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I wonder if I will ever re-gain my pre-deadbaby attention span.  I feel like I will NEVER be caught up with tasks at work, home maintenance, housekeeping, paying bills, homework (why did I decide to take a class?), and the list can go on and on but I'll cry before it is complete.  Of course I probably will get everything done eventually but it feels impossible right now.  This is different from the early days when there was so much grief that nothing outside of Toren and my husband really deserved much of a thought.  Now thoughts of Toren are quiet for the most part, although still nearly constant in a weird way, but actually completing tasks takes way longer than I would like.  The tornado is over but residual effects remain in the form of persistent depression and a lack of efficacy.  Is depression causing decreased concentration and memory, or is feeling so upset over being confused and behind causing depression?  What role do the anti-depressants play?  Sigh, I just don't know.

What about you?  Can you concentrate?

11 comments:

Kakunaa said...

Chicken or egg? I don't know. I have been in that vicious circle many times...so I get it, but sometimes it is best not to try and go through the evil circles. Hang in there, and if you figure out a way to be productive, by all means, please let me know.

cgd said...

absolutely chicken or egg, but since concentration is a symptom of depression, anti-depressants should help (I would bring this up with your therapist and/or medication precriber). For me, I am way behind on office and home paper work (way, way behind) b/c I cannot sit at a desk and make myself actually do anything ever. I always hated paper work, but things were never this bad before April. This must be what it feels like to have ADHD.

so sorry you are going through this. Thinking of you...

Ya Chun said...

I think my attention span is still suffering. and motivation too.

I don't know what the answer is... although it seems to be going in a generally improving trend, so maybe it's just time that is needed.

Quiet Dreams said...

Attention span problems are also a symptom of post-traumatic stress, which I think any dead-baby mother must have. With the clients I work with (I'm a social worker) many are mis-diagnosed with ADD/ADHD when it's really PTSD.

(Please tell me if any of my comments are inappropriate or just not what you want to hear.)

Sophie said...

I have trouble concentrating too. I think maybe its because we are still consciously and subconsciously processing stuff. Maybe we are broken inside I don't know. But I find it hard to concentrate on things and FINISH projects. (thats why your necklace was so awesomely cool to make! I FINISHED IT!!!! lol. Awesome profile pic by the way!)

xxx

Wyatt's Mommie said...

Thinking of you...

Please visit my blog, as I have awarded "A garden for butterflies" with an award.

Much love!

myskytimes said...

So true.. the tornado has passed but the rebuilding continues... and continues... and so on.

My concentration is a bitch. Sometimes I can zone into my chores and don't stop before I'm done. (Compulsive much). But other times it's hard to concentrate on anything less than my dead son...

Welcome to the club. Hope the sun shines where you are. xoxo

Jessica said...

I was never the best at concentration. It's the artist in me. I'm in a bit of a frenzy most times. Though since my second miscarriage it is DEFINITELY worse.
Hope yours gets better... this is a very tough road to travel. Grief sucks. Much love to you <3

Emily Hughes said...

I feel the same way about concentrating. I just find myself at a loss sometimes when I am at my desk at work just paralyzed. I feel like all I really want to do is to do things that honor my baby boy. Nothing else really holds my heart anymore. I used to be a passionate environmentalist and while I still am to a degree, it really isn't the same. Jessica is right. Grief really does suck. It sucks the life right out of you. <3

Catherine W said...

I don't think I ever will. Which is very difficult as, in my line of work, I NEED to concentrate for a good few hours at a stretch minimum. I don't know, I think eventually someone is going to tumble to the fact that I can't actually do my job any longer.

It is so hard not to feel overwhelmed. Even by the most ever day things that wouldn't have troubled us in the slightest before. I don't know about the interplay between all of these elements. I was put on antidepressants so fast after G died that I could never really say what they changed, if anything?

Hope you sort it all out. Just take it one tiny step at a time and give yourself a big old pat on the back for every little bit you finish. Btw, I don't think I've said how much I love your new profile picture. You are beautiful AnnaMarie. xo

Beautiful Mess said...

After almost 5 years after my mom's death, I still find myself saying "didn't we just do that last week?!" when in actuality it was like a month ago. I think Quiet Dreams has it right, PTSD is what it is. You just don't think anymore. Personally, I didn't go the medication route, but I don't know if that was the best choice. But it was the choice I made and stuck with.

Sending you love and pace.
*HUGS*