Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Sunday, October 10, 2010

First

Huge thanks to Wyatt's Mommie from Wyatt's Whisper for giving this award to my blog!


The rules are:
1. Accept the award. Post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have newly discovered.

3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.


I'm passing the award on to a mix of bloggers, new to me, as well as some that I have been reading for a long while but who didn't already have this award posted (and they completely deserve it!).

Amy at Surviving the Day Every Day
angelseashore at Angel Seashore
Barbara at burble
biojen at Dreaming with a Broken Heart
brianna at .daily.amos.
Carly at Soul Blossoming
Catherine W at Between the Snow and the Huge Roses
cgd at Adventures in Infertility-Land
Jenn at Jenn's Den
Mandy at One Good Thing
myskytimes at Skytimes
Quiet Dreams - Dreaming of Quiet Places
Reba at Life without my twins
vera kate at My Insides, Out.



Second

Depression is thick lately.  And I'm feeling very impatient with it.  It's different from before - now I can recognize when a certain incident is making me sad and when it's depression - perhaps that means that some progress is being made.  I think most people around me would not be able to notice it anymore because I do genuinely smile and participate in small talk without resenting that people are "supposed" to exchange pleasantries when passing.  But behind closed bedroom, office, and bathroom stall doors there's been a lot of crying lately.

My antidepressants are still being monitored and some tests are being run to see if there is something else going on that brought about this latest round of increased depression.  And I'm still in therapy once a week, and I am comfortable with requesting even more frequent sessions if necessary.  And if things feel dangerous I know where to go for a few days of inpatient treatment.  So, I'm not alone or without resources which means it's just a matter of waiting.

.......

The knee that I broke in early summer hurts on cool mornings.  Not a surprise but it makes every step a reminder that winter is approaching.  Never have I felt less ready for the cold, the dark, the bare trees, and the holiday cheer.  Along with all of that comes another round of anniversaries and wondering why the events of years ago still ache so badly.

.......

A co-worker pulled me aside on Friday to say that whenever she sees me lately she thinks that I'm pregnant.  I respond that I've just been putting on weight, then she says rather than weight it's a "glow" that I have.  Another minute of talking and she is so happy to tell me that I'm going to be pregnant soon.  I don't know if I should believe the "glow" bit since she may have been trying to cover up that she mistook my expanding waistline for pregnancy.  She is the spiritual sort so maybe she is sensing a being hanging around me, which kind of makes me feel like I'm failing an interview since I don't feel like life is so in order lately.  What ever her meaning, it was very upsetting (like go home early and go back to bed upsetting).  I can't believe her prediction because it is exactly what I think I want and also the thing I am most terrified of.  But if her perhaps-careless-promise doesn't come true I will never forgive her.



Lastly

Ugh, gotta find some happy thoughts before ending this.

a new houseplant

a new plant forming on the end of a leaf, as promised!


a new camera that's been providing fun with taking photos :)

the zoom is so good you can see the dust on Tara and it adjusts for wiggles and that has made a great difference in how photos turn out since I can't seem to hold a camera still!

.........

Wishing you all a beautiful day!

14 comments:

Wyatt's Mommie said...

You are so very welcome!!! I enjoy your blog and I look forward to each new post! <3

brianna said...

Thank you AnnaMarie. Your blog is beautiful and honest. I appreciate what you write and that you choose to share it with the rest of us.

Some of those blogs are new to me so I will definitely check them out as well.

jill said...

Congrats on the award :) What a cool plant - I've never heard of a plant that starts new ones on the leaf tips.

I hope the depression eases for you soon. Feeling like crying all the time just sucks. I'm sorry about your coworkers careless comments. Just crazy that people think comments like that are acceptable.

Catherine W said...

Oh AnnaMarie, I'm sorry about that co-worker's comments. I can't imagine what she could have been thinking?!

I hope you don't have to wait too long to get to the bottom of whatever has triggered the increased depression. I'm sorry. It's horrible to be crying behind closed doors, I know. xo

Ya Chun said...

First, congrats!

Lady, I am sorry that you have been struggling more lately. Stupid depression. It seems you have made progress in managing and interpreting it.

Fall is a contemplative time, I think. I really hate winter and start worrying about it now too...

And your co-worker is not helping! OMG! I want to punch her in the face! Oh, sorry, no violence...

Nice pics! Post more!

Reba said...

thanks anna :) i'm so honored to be on your list!

i'm so sorry about your coworker's comments. i hate looking pregnant :( i hate people thinking i am pregnant :( i hate gaining weight. i'm sorry.

Sophie said...

I will never forgive her either. Hope you are feeling better soon. Thinking of you. xx

Barbara said...

Goodness, what an odd thing to say... really odd but I do hope she's right.

I feel the depression monster stalking close by but I feel better equipped to deal with it these days too even though it involves tears.

Thank you AnnaMarie for the award, thank you for reading, thank you for your support and thank you for this beautifully written space.

xxx

Jenn said...

Thanks for the award, how nice of you to think of me.

I'm sorry to hear that depression is following you around. I wonder sometimes whether I'm fighting some depression or if it's just normal dealing with grief and whatnot. I'd like to be in a place where I could tell the difference. I think that definitely means progress has been made on your part. I hope the meds and testing and all the other things you're doing to take good care of yourself start to help.

I, too, am not looking forward to the cold and the holidays. The green on the trees, blooming flowers, butterflies - all of these things that can sometimes lift my spirits a bit will be gone soon. And I am in no mood for the holidays. Period.

Hearing comments like what your coworker said to you would unsettle me greatly, too. Hugs.

Jenn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jenn said...

Sorry for the duplicate comments. Blogger is being funky at the moment...

Quiet Dreams said...

I feel so honored, thank you.

I hope things feel better for you soon, or at least that you have bits of peace amidst the tough stuff.

myskytimes said...

Congratz on your award. And thanks for the honour to be chosen by you. I'll leave a (virtual) tray of drinks and niblets here - after all, what would an award-ceremony be without snacks?

I won't be commenting on the coworker (grmpfhx) but I can't help to hope she's right. Sending the best wishes through the line and hoping that you'll feel better soon. xoxo

Kakunaa said...

What a post...I'm glad you have help. That you know when you need it, and are taking the steps you need to try and be healthy.

And have mucho fun with the new camera!!!