Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

I can't describe how much I appreciate the words of support concerning the big "f" word.  To address a few comments and questions, first, I think I will just sell the ring for scrap, but I'm in no rush to do that just yet, and then I will spend the money on something wonderfully unecessary like strippers and booze!  Regarding SnuggleBunny and his past negligence of rent paying, I still don't know if moving into a different place with him was a good idea.  I have made it VERY clear that every single household bill is to be split in half from this point forward, so we'll see how that goes.  To have my portion of rent be this cheap for a place of my own, and to not have to depend on anyone else to come through with their share, I would have to rent a room and get rid of or store a bunch of furniture.  So it came down to choosing to live with my familiar things and have a place to garden and room for my cats but risking being in the same situation where I'm paying for someone else's living expenses again.  If this backfires I will totally expect and accept a chorus of "I told you so".  And speaking of space to garden, I put a lot of thought into what to do with the butterfly garden.  I felt it would be a little weird to bring the plants, sort of rude to mess with the landscaping, it would definitely be tiring to add another strenuous activity to the move, and the butterfly bushes had grown so large that such a dramatic pruning to be able to move them would risk killing them (lots of good reasons to leave the garden there).  But then I worried about their care while the house was empty (they could die from neglect or be ripped out with re-landscaping) and I worried about my already broken heart suffering another loss by leaving my healing place.  So I did what any halfway-to-crazy, down-and-out, BLM would do and I dug up the garden and brought it along!  The butterfly bushes had to be cut back by about 2/3 and they lost a lot of roots but they are actually looking ok now and are growing new leaves.  The other plants are also doing well, all things considered.  I don't think there will be many flowers this year and since this is a rental house I don't know if I'll see it all flourishing again (I may not move the plants again).  I was thinking of doing a series of posts about setting up a memorial garden to encourage people who want to do this but feel intimidated by gardening.


At the end of my "f" word post there was supposed to be a statement of how I'm going to do something awesome next, but I forgot to add it in, and then put it off and put it off, but now I see there was more to that thought.  The last 4+ years have been a disaster and I'm so tired of reporting bad news.  Before this mess I think my family was always a little baffled by whatever I was doing (getting married young, moving across the country, getting a master's degree in something that my Mother still doesn't quite understand) but now I'm really too embarassed to even give details of what's going on.  Problematic pregnancy, dead baby, divorce, job loss, foreclosure.  I wonder if my religious relatives think everything after Toren was deserved because I didn't carry to term.  I didn't say anything about the foreclosure until my Dad called and asked what I was up to and it happened to be moving day and I was following the moving truck with a car full of stuff to the new house at that very moment.  Shortly after that I received an email from my sister with more photos of the new boy they are adopting with a sentence about how she's sorry to hear about the foreclosure.  I didn't reply.  There was the excuse of not having internet for a few days and not wanting to reply from my phone.  Then there was the empty feeling of how cut off I feel from my family because it's been so long since something beautiful happened and they don't know what to do with someone who has been hurting for so long.  There was just that one sentence.  In an email.  As a side note.

So while moving I made a promise that I would have good news next and energy is being focused towards having something (anything!) great happen!  And positive things are still the goal... but negative things were never the goal and look what happened. 

"Something awesome" is loosely defined here and really it can be as simple as something big and bad NOT happening (the absence of bad times is pretty fucking awesome!).  In my head anyway.  In my heart I want very specific things. 

But the question that won't leave without an answer is can I feel accomplished if any of those specific things don't happen?  Is it possible to feel like I'm even sort of a good person if I stay overweight, and broke, and sad about the past 4 years?  What if I don't reach the career goals I initially set out for?  What if I'm never a parent?  What if I don't ever have a secure romantic relationship?  What if I can never forgive my ex-husband?

I am happy but I kind of hate my life and I am so far from feeling proud of being who I am.


Today is Toren's un-birthday.  The 4 year anniversary of an unfulfilled EDD.  I miss him and wish I could have gotten to know him.


debbie said...

Anna, i'm sorry that toren has an un-birthday. So sorry.
I wish great things for you and snugglebunny in the new abode.
And i'm so glad you took the garden with you, I was hoping you wouldn't leave it behind.

E said...

{{{{Hugs}}}} on your sad day without Toren.

I look forward to a picture of the new garden and I hope it brings you peace.

And from one black sheep to another, don't dye your wool, and I won't dye mine. We can be family in our cyber pasture.

Crystal Theresa said...

i love that you brought the garden with you.

so sorry that Toren can't be here to share a "real" birthday with you. ((hugs))

Jenn said...

Oh, four years of an un-birthday for your boy. I don't even have words for that. It's too much.

I'm glad you brought the garden with you. It sounds right and proper to me.

And here's to hoping Something Awesome happens soon!

Ya Chun said...

"an unfulfilled EDD' - yes. that's so it.

What is up with your family making you feel like it's all bad, like it's a choice? Life is life. It happens. Sending you some empathy and support...