The butterfly

Suddenly, it's time to mention Toren.

I've been too sick to do anything in the garden lately beyond watering. My body seems to have declared a cleanse and now I am free from craving alcohol, cigarettes, and caffeine. I've been talking about quitting these things but have made no efforts through my own will power.

Tonight, bored out of my mind from days of laying down, I remembered my new hobby! Genealogy! My psychiatrist recommended finding something to do with my time instead of drinking. My Grandmother introduced me to genealogy recently and it's actually very fun (if you like research, old records, and nit-picking over details).

I am using software through familysearch.org. I began with myself and my husband, digging out our birth and marriage certificates, carefully entering in data. Then the box for children was staring at me, empty, and I decide to make an entry and remove it later. One child, male, born November 8, 2007, died November 8, 2007. Source "personal knowledge" since no official certificates are provided for fetuses younger than 20 weeks. Under the citation notes for death information I write "death may have occurred up to a few days before November 8". Since I don't know at what point he died, only that he was not alive at delivery. Under notes for this individual, Toren M., I have entered:

"Diagnosed at 18 weeks, 5 days gestation with bilateral renal agenesis. A stomach or bladder were also not seen during the ultrasound. Delivered at 19 weeks 6 days gestation, stillborn. No autopsy was performed. Pathology report found him to be chromosomally normal. No reason found to explain the lack of development of the kidneys. His parents loved him very much and miss him still."

I'm keeping all this information in since this is my freaking family history. Most people don't acknowledge offspring that die before birth, my family barely acknowledges that he was here and he was mine and I loved him very much. Instead I'm asked about when I will become pregnant again? When will I start a family? When will I spawn forth grandchildren?

I gave it a good shot. I did my best and tried my hardest to have a healthy baby. And I will become pregnant again when I won't feel resentful about a future baby not being my son Toren.

It feels so good knowing that his information is included. It's almost like relief.