Secrets

I have secrets! Not because the information is confidential, there is just no one to talk about it with. But I do have things I want to say so today I am grateful for this anonymous blog.

Several days ago I ordered the Jizo statue I wanted for the memorial garden. The topic has not been easy to work into a conversation and I think my husband will just be annoyed if I tell him so no one knows about it, but I am way excited for it to get here! After my plant shopping spree on Saturday I decided to go ahead and get the more expensive things I knew I wanted in the garden. I also got a rain barrel, which I still need to install.

I spent a lot of time working on the garden last weekend and it's really starting to take shape! One bit of bad news is the butterfly bushes are being eaten. It almost seems overwhelming, like is nothing safe from danger? I'm not a good gardener in the first place so I'm not exactly sure what to do. Google will be consulted shortly.

My other secret involves keeping my emotions to myself. I'm not actually happy about this one, I feel like I'm being rushed through bereavement too much. But my husband expressed that he is really sick of me being sad so much and my friends say how much they want to see me happy. It's been 7.5 months since Toren was delivered. I still feel like I need some tender care but that has dried up. If people who are expecting a baby invite me over and leave a new baby stroller in plain sight it seems they are saying I should no longer be bothered by not having Toren alive and squirming around in a stroller of his own. I'm expected to suck it up when shopping for maternity clothes that I don't need. I can't wince when surrounded by visions of happy, excited pregnant women. My husband says he is tired of me being so self-centered and jealous, I think he is ashamed of me. But I also think seeing a pregnant woman post deadbaby is a bit more complicated than jealousy. Yes, I miss my son, I wish he were here, and it's not fair that mine died while most live. But I also miss being close to my husband and feeling cherished and protected by him. While pregnant that happened, after delivery I became undesirable, someone who didn't need love and affection. It's possible that my husband is grieving over the baby. But he denies that this is the case so it appears that in not growing a healthy baby I lost love from my husband.

I know this is getting kind of heavy and sad, but I'm not distraught, in fact I've been able to approach the lack of enjoyment in our marriage calmly. If we divorce I will be sad that things were so close to being so good for us. We were both so happy to be expecting our first baby and so excited for the opportunity to raise him. Losing the baby has torn us apart and I'm not sure we can recover from it.

Anyway, my new challenge is to appear happy even when I am sad. I'm not sure this is healthy. I'll talk about it with my psychiatrist this week.