Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Around this time


You would have turned 2

I still miss you.

............

I'm out of town and this is set up to be posted Sunday morning, on the anniversary of Toren's EDD. On this day I'll be helping a friend move, unpacking the moving truck we packed the day before.

..........

Toren, there is nothing I'd rather be doing more than having a birthday party for you.

I guess the terrible two's would be starting ... naively I think that a toddler asserting himself through tantrums and screams would be preferable to this unending silence.

For the second anniversary of a day when nothing changed, words are hard to capture. I tried for a baby but instead got a broken heart, memory box and an ex-husband. But the all consuming anguish is over. Now it's just day after day of coming closer to understanding with all of my being that Toren is not coming back to me. It still is shocking on some level that the little being that I continue to care so much for could truly be gone. In a soap opera it would turn out that he had actually lived and grown in an incubator after scientists administered an experimental drug that prompted organ development. After enough time grieving, so that I properly learned to love and cherish another human being, he would be given back to me.

Sometimes he feels that close. Tonight he feels very far away though.

........

Sunday morning I will wake up in an unknown place, joke around with my friends, unpack a moving truck, continue to lift furniture and carry boxes well past the point of spinal comfort, say goodbye to someone starting a new phase of her life, and get a ride home. Most likely no one will remember that I almost had a baby at this time two years ago. No one outside of here knows that I might as well spend what could have been Toren's birthday being helpful because there is no reason to stay at home.

.......

He feels so very far away. I wish I were preparing a party with family and friends for my little boy instead of honoring my love for Toren alone with his memory box.



Thank you for recognizing how important this very ordinary day actually is for me. I hope wherever our babies are has vanilla cupcakes for their special days. May they always know how loved they are.

17 comments:

Sophie said...

Happy birthday Toren. Wishing you sunshine and rainbows. xx

Thinking of you Anna. I hope our babes are enjoying his vanilla cupcakes together.

xx

Bree said...

Thinking of you and Torren today. I like to think our babies sit at a big long table and eat cupcakes when there is a birthday. Then, they play games and laugh just like they would if they were here with us. I so wish Torren were here today to celebrate his birthday with you. xxoo

Sara said...

Thinking of both you and Toren today, Anna.

Lisette said...

Happy Birthday to Torren in heaven. Thinking of you.

Hope said...

Anna-
I'm thinking about you and Toren today. EDDs are so hard! I'm glad you took the time to celebrate his life and to give him the little celebration he deserved!

Hope

BluebirdSinging said...

How I wish that Toren were here with you, screaming and running around the house with a vanilla cupcake making a huge mess! Wherever he is, I am sure that he is doing that anyway and missing you too.

Thinking of you and sending love...

Beautiful Mess said...

Happy birthday Toren. I hope you're able to see how much he loves you, because he does!

Sending you lots of love and light.
*HUGS*

Beautiful Mess said...

I also gave you an Easter basket in Torren's name. Hershey's is donation $10 for every blog linked to them to Children's Miracle Network. Hope you don't mind.
*HUGS*

Catherine W said...

Remembering your beautiful Toren this evening, on what might have been his second birthday.
Thinking of you Anna. xo

Reba said...

oh yes, vanilla cupcakes for everyone in "their class" up there. crazy to think our little ones would be turning TWO now. terrible twos, indeed. :(

Quiet Dreams said...

What a huge milestone for you to carry around inside you all day.

Thinking of you, wishing there were words.

angelseashore said...

I want to acknowledge Toren for the short life he had with you. And I want to ackowledge you for the loving mother that you are. He must be having the greatest b-day party ever in heaven. You have created an extraordinary day because you remember your son even though he is not physically with you. It is quite evident just how much you love your son Toren.

Hugs..

angelseashore said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
myskytimes said...

Anna.... This sentence hit the nail on the head: I tried for a baby but instead got a broken heart, memory box and an ex-husband.

I'll be thinking of you and Toren today and light Sky's candle tonight for your lovely son. I am pretty sure (can't help but keep that thought alive) that they're all having a ball in baby-heaven. And Sky would turn towards Toren and say: "Man, your mommy is strong - mine was a weeping mess on my 2nd birthday and yours is helping others to move. Now let's have another cupcake..."

Sending Love! xoxo

Zil said...

Dear Toren - Happy 2nd b-day. Your mamma is wonderful. She loves you so much. I hope that you smile when you see her from above. You always make her smile. She thinks of you when she gets up, when she goes to bed, and all through the day. I can't imagine there's a better mom out there.

Sending you b-day wishes. Wishing you were here.

CLC said...

Thinking of you and Toren.

Rebekah said...

I wish we were both running around after our two year olds now and trying to make sure everything breakable was out of reach. Thinking of you & Toren!
Peace & love to you!