Sunday, March 28, 2010
Around this time
You would have turned 2
I still miss you.
I'm out of town and this is set up to be posted Sunday morning, on the anniversary of Toren's EDD. On this day I'll be helping a friend move, unpacking the moving truck we packed the day before.
Toren, there is nothing I'd rather be doing more than having a birthday party for you.
I guess the terrible two's would be starting ... naively I think that a toddler asserting himself through tantrums and screams would be preferable to this unending silence.
For the second anniversary of a day when nothing changed, words are hard to capture. I tried for a baby but instead got a broken heart, memory box and an ex-husband. But the all consuming anguish is over. Now it's just day after day of coming closer to understanding with all of my being that Toren is not coming back to me. It still is shocking on some level that the little being that I continue to care so much for could truly be gone. In a soap opera it would turn out that he had actually lived and grown in an incubator after scientists administered an experimental drug that prompted organ development. After enough time grieving, so that I properly learned to love and cherish another human being, he would be given back to me.
Sometimes he feels that close. Tonight he feels very far away though.
Sunday morning I will wake up in an unknown place, joke around with my friends, unpack a moving truck, continue to lift furniture and carry boxes well past the point of spinal comfort, say goodbye to someone starting a new phase of her life, and get a ride home. Most likely no one will remember that I almost had a baby at this time two years ago. No one outside of here knows that I might as well spend what could have been Toren's birthday being helpful because there is no reason to stay at home.
He feels so very far away. I wish I were preparing a party with family and friends for my little boy instead of honoring my love for Toren alone with his memory box.
Thank you for recognizing how important this very ordinary day actually is for me. I hope wherever our babies are has vanilla cupcakes for their special days. May they always know how loved they are.