My blog is two years old today :)
This is kind of sacred territory - still hidden from the people that I know in real life but it doesn't exactly feel anonymous anymore since I feel so close to fellow babylost bloggers and some of you are fb friends. Anniversaries seem like a time of reflection but I can't sum up the past two years neatly. It's like the answer isn't known yet.
Baby died = devastating
Husband left = betrayal and shame on top of devastation
Figured out how to take care of myself = housemates, boyfriend, therapy, antidepressants
Devastation + betrayal and shame - learning independence = ?
Has it all balanced out yet?
But the really important parts of the journey don't have words yet. Am I ok with the baby dying and my husband leaving? It feels like events that sad and life altering leave a permanent imprint on your soul and body. Time and antidepressants and new love ease the anguish but the memories are still so fresh. Dividing the line between being sunk in sorrow and being a capable adult again is this huge wall built of "Once the Universe decided that my baby would die", "Once I held my son and knew that I would do anything to protect him and that loving him was what I was on Earth to do, and then his body went to the morgue while I left the hospital cradling his memory box", "Once my husband left me without warning and I was so alone, so embarrassed, and so lost that I tried to kill myself and was taken to a mental hospital, involuntarily, in the back of a police car".
The stories of "I knew someone who bled through their entire pregnancy and the baby was fine", "I knew someone who had a scary ultrasound and their baby was fine", "I knew someone whose baby was sick but we all prayed and the baby turned out fine" don't apply here. And no one tells tales of "I knew someone who loved their baby as much as you love yours and hers died". Those life stories are silenced until they have no importance in life away from a grief blog or support group. Those life changing, beyond important stories, are silenced.
Leaning on that wall is where I remain. I am capable of doing so much in terms of being a "normal person" but not everyday; some days I'm back to feeling so sick that I can't possibly leave the house. Going out to see anyone from "before" other than my closest friends is not even considered anymore. I have a wonderful boyfriend but I can't tell him that I love him. That level of commitment is simply not safe.
Love is not safe. But love is the most beautiful thing in life. How can one release themselves to love after learning that what you love dearly can be ripped away?
Ooops, I meant to tell you about other things, fun things, and show garden photos. I meant to comment on the progress made from the beginning of this blog so that others would know that healing is possible. Snuggle bunny is here which means it's time to perk up, so real fast:
I thought this Clematis was dead two years ago but check out the mass of blooms it has this year.
Fading yucca blooms - these flowers are amazing
This is what I'm listening to - fun, energetic music :D