I couldn't make the little boy smile. Or wave. Or say hello. He's about 1 and a half years old.
It's harder than it should be, you know. I figured that perhaps the time for looking away or hiding when babies are in view has to end, but now I feel shot down. Silly huh? I don't spend time with babies or children so of course I'm not practiced, but it makes me think that I'm innately horrible with children. So horrible and anti-motherly that my baby died. I repelled him away.
I must not look maternal either - people rarely ask me if I have any children (we're talking once or twice a year I'll be asked about kids). And now I waver back and forth with desire to reproduce. A few weeks ago it was all I could think about but most of the time I simply wish that Toren were here and I have little interest in other babies. I messed up his life before he was even born, the prospect of making further fatal reproductive mistakes is nauseating. And yes, yes, I know that I didn't do anything to cause him not to develop all of his organs - I know it but I don't believe it all of the time.
And that is the mental trip I took all because a tiny boy was shy.
How do you all really feel about other babies post babyloss (your own or others')? Is it healing? Awkward? Still heartbreaking?