Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I couldn't make the little boy smile. Or wave. Or say hello. He's about 1 and a half years old.

It's harder than it should be, you know. I figured that perhaps the time for looking away or hiding when babies are in view has to end, but now I feel shot down. Silly huh? I don't spend time with babies or children so of course I'm not practiced, but it makes me think that I'm innately horrible with children. So horrible and anti-motherly that my baby died. I repelled him away.

I must not look maternal either - people rarely ask me if I have any children (we're talking once or twice a year I'll be asked about kids). And now I waver back and forth with desire to reproduce. A few weeks ago it was all I could think about but most of the time I simply wish that Toren were here and I have little interest in other babies. I messed up his life before he was even born, the prospect of making further fatal reproductive mistakes is nauseating. And yes, yes, I know that I didn't do anything to cause him not to develop all of his organs - I know it but I don't believe it all of the time.

And that is the mental trip I took all because a tiny boy was shy.

How do you all really feel about other babies post babyloss (your own or others')? Is it healing? Awkward? Still heartbreaking?


-clevergirl said...

I was so wonderful with kids before I lost Ashlyn. Now I can't even smile at them, having a rainbow baby hasn't changed that either. I still dislike other peoples kids, I only adore my rainbow. =)

Barbara said...

I was a nanny for years but now I feel quite awkward around children. Life has changed so much.


Sophie said...

I know it too, but don't believe it all the time. :(

I cannot look at other little girls without being reminded of what I lost. It goes hand in hand. So other children, girls in particular, are bittersweet. They are adorable but I ache with jealousy and longing for my little girl.


Sara said...

Time has really helped me.

I went to a baby shower this weekend and held the baby (he was born in March). And while it was ok and I did get a smile out of him, I think I'm just not that into other people's babies. But I think I was that way before...

Catherine W said...

Oh it's so unfair. That you had to go through that whole train of thought because a little boy was shy.

I think that I understand that gap between knowledge and belief. I feel the same. I know I didn't do anything wrong but part of me will always believe that I did and that I caused it all.

I have always been nervous of babies, frightened of making them cry or of inadvertently hurting them. They looked so small and fragile. Now, they look robust and hearty. I think it helps that none of them look like my babies and I'm never likely to see a child that looked like my little girls did, not out in public.

Sometimes the sheer sturdiness of other newborns reduces me to tears. Strange, now I'm frightened of babies making me cry rather than the other way round. x

Quiet Dreams said...

I'm so sorry.

Anonymous said...

I often feel like somehow I caused Riley to be ill in the womb. As you said, we know better but the guilt or whatever it is still haunts us. I think we'll feel that to some degree for the rest of our lives. I still waver between feeling like I'll be a good mom and being a horrible one. As for other babies, I have to admit that I've adored them from afar and have not allowed myself to feel close to other babies. My guess is that I feel subconsciously that my love should be reserved for Riley and Riley alone. I'm sorry that you hit a rough patch. What's crystal clear from your blog is just how much you love Torren. That cannot be denied.