Thank you all for the support regarding my idea to have a baby, it's so helpful to hear that it is not a terrible plan and in fact it sounds like a wonderful plan!
That night I spoke with SnuggleBunny about it. He was not freaked out one little bit! Instead he is very excited and mentions it almost everyday. He is way more comfortable with the idea of having a baby than I am :)
He has some terms though - he wants to be there, he wants to be an active parent, he wants us to live together, he wants us to be a family. SB understands well that I do not want to get married but aside from the ceremony and legal binding we are talking about being together in a situation that will look very much like marriage.
I flip back and forth between being scared out of my mind and being overwhelmed with the romance of it all.
Last weekend he said that he would like to live together for a little while before we have a baby - this never occurred to me! But it is a very good idea. But this makes it seem very real and I don't think I'm as ready for this as I thought I was. The baby part is much easier to consider than having a family complete with SB. An estimated time for when he will move in has not been decided on yet.
Here are some issues:
1. SB and I met about 11 months ago, which isn't that long. But since I reject the idea of marriage I can also reject the idea of knowing a person for a few years before being a family together. In my gut I think it will work out very well for at least a while.
2. I like my financial independence, even though I have so little money. We will not share a bank account but that means he will have to contribute to the bills and it's uncomfortable to me to have him owe rent since he wouldn't be a real renter. But we would have to decide on a way to share the costs of living without either one of us taking on too much (which that one of us would be me since I habitually pay for health insurance, gym memberships, and what not for boys. I gave SB a gym membership for his birthday - see, I can't stop!). He said that we would simply split the house payment and utility bills.
3. I like having some evenings alone. It's good for me to have time when I'm not influenced by anyone else. Will my moods be dependent enough on his moods that I become lost again?
4. I like my housemates but they would have to leave. Which would make me even more dependent on SB paying rent.
I asked SB what would happen if we lived together but then couldn't get pregnant or have a living baby and he said we would adopt. No hesitation.
After being treated like crap by my husband it's hard to accept that SB truly wants to be with me. He wants to live with me. He wants to have a baby with me and he thinks I would be a great mother. All of these lovely thoughts float along the surface of the huge bubble of bad marriage hurt that encompasses my soul. I see that I could be happy and that this is exciting news that I could tell people about (you all are the first to know). It's kind of like a non-engagement announcement. We are preparing to join our lives.
Back to cynicism and worry - what else should I take into account with this plan to have SB move in?