Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The plan is in action

Thank you all for the support regarding my idea to have a baby, it's so helpful to hear that it is not a terrible plan and in fact it sounds like a wonderful plan!

That night I spoke with SnuggleBunny about it.  He was not freaked out one little bit!  Instead he is very excited and mentions it almost everyday.  He is way more comfortable with the idea of having a baby than I am :)

He has some terms though - he wants to be there, he wants to be an active parent, he wants us to live together, he wants us to be a family.  SB understands well that I do not want to get married but aside from the ceremony and legal binding we are talking about being together in a situation that will look very much like marriage.

I flip back and forth between being scared out of my mind and being overwhelmed with the romance of it all.

Last weekend he said that he would like to live together for a little while before we have a baby - this never occurred to me!  But it is a very good idea.  But this makes it seem very real and I don't think I'm as ready for this as I thought I was.  The baby part is much easier to consider than having a family complete with SB.  An estimated time for when he will move in has not been decided on yet.

Here are some issues:
1.  SB and I met about 11 months ago, which isn't that long.  But since I reject the idea of marriage I can also reject the idea of knowing a person for a few years before being a family together.  In my gut I think it will work out very well for at least a while.

2.  I like my financial independence, even though I have so little money.  We will not share a bank account but that means he will have to contribute to the bills and it's uncomfortable to me to have him owe rent since he wouldn't be a real renter.  But we would have to decide on a way to share the costs of living without either one of us taking on too much (which that one of us would be me since I habitually pay for health insurance, gym memberships, and what not for boys.  I gave SB a gym membership for his birthday - see, I can't stop!).  He said that we would simply split the house payment and utility bills.

3.  I like having some evenings alone.  It's good for me to have time when I'm not influenced by anyone else.  Will my moods be dependent enough on his moods that I become lost again?

4.  I like my housemates but they would have to leave.  Which would make me even more dependent on SB paying rent.

I asked SB what would happen if we lived together but then couldn't get pregnant or have a living baby and he said we would adopt.  No hesitation. 

After being treated like crap by my husband it's hard to accept that SB truly wants to be with me.  He wants to live with me.  He wants to have a baby with me and he thinks I would be a great mother.  All of these lovely thoughts float along the surface of the huge bubble of bad marriage hurt that encompasses my soul.  I see that I could be happy and that this is exciting news that I could tell people about (you all are the first to know).  It's kind of like a non-engagement announcement.  We are preparing to join our lives.

Back to cynicism and worry - what else should I take into account with this plan to have SB move in?


cgd said...

Wow, this is so exciting.
I know some people that have a joint bank account for household expenses only. Each one contributes to this account monthly so bills can get paid, but they have separate saving accounts and the money gets transfered automatically into the shared account monthly. This might help it feel less like he is paying rent to you and more like you are a family.
Living together first sounds like a great idea.
I think it is amazing that you have not given up on your dream of a family and a baby. You deserve that.

AnnaMarie said...

cgd, I love that idea! Yes, if we both contribute to a "neutral" account then it won't feel like he is paying me personally.

I knew my blogging friends would have good ideas :)

Thank you cgd for the advice and encouragement.

Sara said...

Yay! How wonderful for you both!

I think your worries will melt away once you have some time to let this sink in, and to have some more talks with him to figure out logistics. Ron and I have never shared a bank account - we have separate accounts and just pay for different bills. I know you guys can work it out.

One more time: YAY!!!!!!!!!!

angie said...

I was going to suggest the joint household account. I know many many couples it had worked for. And as far as time together, Sam and i were engaged six months after we met and got pregnant twelve. It isn't that fast. We, perhaps, did things quickly, but we were ready. And, even though it is scary, it sounds like you are ready too. Congratulations on this new phase with SB. Sounds like you know what your snags might be--needing alone time, financial, etc. Remember your ex left you scrambling. If the worst happens and he leaves, you know what to do and how to do it. And you have many people who will help you, including me with my hand raised, in any way I can. xo

Barbara said...

Ooh this is rather exciting! Happy non-engagement!

About 2 weeks after we got together Ray casually said, "I think we'll probably get engaged won't we?" And a few minutes after I got my breath back he added, "And I think we'd make good parents don't you?" (We'd known each other for 5 months before, through work.)

What I mean to say is, don't worry about timing, if it feels right then go for it.

I think the neutral bank account is a great idea.


Sophie said...

Sometimes you just have to jump in headfirst! This is really exciting. Go for it.

debbie said...

Yay! I'm over the moon excited for you, not just for your plans but because I get to hear your happy voice coming through your blog!

R and I have separate accounts (we have a joint household one, but never use it. We just divide the bills evenly) and we moved in w/ each other three months after we met, so I, of course, advocate for the head first dive.


CLC said...

We have a joint account to pay bills where we both contribute the same percentage(~75%) of our paychecks since we make different amounts of money. Then we each have our own savings/checking where the remaining percentage goes. That way I can pay ridiculous amounts of money to get my hair higlighted without my husband questioning me, and he can play golf without me questioning him. It works well for us. Good luck with the moving in. This is all very exciting!

Anonymous said...

Happy non-engagement! I love your plan. Your list sounds healthy and well-planned. It's important that you're aware of your needs (eg spending time alone, welcome to the club) and worries. I like cdg's idea, for I would never ever share a bank-account with a man again. (I swear!)

Plan in action. Exciting...


Quiet Dreams said...

I think the joint household account sounds like a great idea. Especially if deposits are made automatically.

Also glad to hear your "happy voice" in this post.