Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Oh boy that was a huge pity party yesterday!  I sobbed for hours, which has not happened in a long time.  A big cry fest  has been lurking in the periphery for months now so it was time to get all out.  The pregnancy announcement plus PMS plus muscle spasms from a new knee brace, and the stage was set for tears.


"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors.  Try to be better than  yourself." - William Faulkner

I can continue feeling sorry for myself, which is justifiable since the past 2+ years have been full of super sucky events, or I can be better than myself.

So do I want to have a baby?  The lack of a husband does not seem like a large obstacle anymore.  To make that happen here is what I need:

1.  A new job that pays a whole lot of money.  I am ready to get back into research and leave this underpaying administrative job behind.  And call me a bitch but I DO NOT WANT to cover my colleagues work while she is on maternity leave again.  Last time I worked my ass off only to stay underpaid and the only reason I was able to work such long hours was because I had no family to go home to at night.  I would be too resentful this time around.

2.  Talk to SnuggleBunny and see if he wants to reproduce with me.  I think he will, but if not, I need to find other sperm.

That's it.


Do I want a child though?  I want Toren; will a different one be ok?

Issue 1:  Other people's children annoy me - one, because they exist here on Earth and Toren doesn't and try as I may to not be bitter about this all of the time the fact is that this still hurts and it still feels so unfair; and two, kids ARE rather annoying!  but there are plenty of women who only really like their own children so it's ok to feel this way.

Issue 2:  I feel like a basket case much of the time still.  But I think this is temporary and life is slowing getting more organized.

Right now the most compelling reason to try for a baby that lives is that I have had two pregnancies and both ended traumatically.  If there is never a positive pregnancy ending to counter the horrible ones will I feel like I'm missing out on something important?  Do I want to leave life still completely heartbroken where reproduction is concerned?  Even if I always feel sad that Toren is dead, I think it is possible to gain some healing from fulfilling the dream to mother a child.  There were so many things I was going to do for Toren - I am missing out on sharing some of the beauty of living with a child.


It's a lot to consider.  But enough chatter for now - I need to kick ass at work to get closer to a new job!


Sara said...

I love that you have a plan!!

And no, another baby will not be Toren but I know that you will love and cherish that child just as much as Toren. He's not special and wonderful because he didn't live; he's special and wonderful because he's YOURS. And you will feel that same way about another child.

And I am one of those people who is not big on other people's kids (ones who aren't in my family, anyway), and I can't wait to be a mom. I think we'll do great. :)

Good luck on moving up in the working world! I'm so excited for you.

debbie said...

Yay! I love this! I think, as much as it will always hurt that you lost Toren, a new baby would be a definite source of joy for you. They are not mutually exclusive. Having another one will not mean that Toren didn't exist, it will simply mean that you have two.
You go girl!!!

CLC said...

Ditto Debbie and Sara. A new child will not replace Toren. You will love them both. A new child may also be very healing as well. Your plan sounds like a good one!

Sophie said...

I'm sorry you were so sad. Big hugs for yesterday.

I like this plan. Do it!


Reba said...

i'm the same way...kids in general annoy me. but when i get to know them as people, i tend to like them as i like most people. and my own...well, no question...you will love your own because they will be amazing on their own, and because they will remind you of toren and what he was and could have been.

part of what makes me sad about people not being able to have a living baby to parent for one reason or another (situational, physical, whatever) is that it really is a wonderful experience. i am glad you are thinking about ways to not miss out on it and that they are all within your power.

i am sorry you were so sad the other day and that it hit you so hard.

caitsmom said...

A cry fest can be exactly what we need. I think you are wise to know that you won't be OK with doing extra work to cover for pregnant co-worker--and no, it's not being a bitch. You shouldn't have to cover anyway. You get to feel how you feel and you have a right to not allow others to decide for you what you can and will not do.

Missing Toren with you and I agree with others; you'll always miss Toren and there's plenty of love for another child.

May your plan come to fruition.

Anonymous said...

You deserve to be happy and it sounds like you have a plan to get you there. We will always miss our babies and the circumstance in which they left this earth will always be tragic and unfa ir. Who says you need a husband to become a mother.. Don't give up on your baby dreams.

I'm willing lots of love and joy to come into your life in whatever form it comes in.


Beautiful Mess said...

I can't even tell you how many times I wished that I had never learned to cry! It's such a silly wish, but I wished it, as I was sobbing, so many times!

Kick ass, lady! I have NO doubt you'll do just that!

Quiet Dreams said...

Yeesh, sounds like a new job is a good idea regardless of your family-building future.

So good to hear you sounding hopeful. I have a feeling that you will figure everything out as you need to.

Meg said...

Sounds like a great plan. :)

Anonymous said...

Phew... just catching up on missed blogposts while I was slowed down... sorry you felt miserable. I suspect I need a good ol' cry-fest pretty soon. Haven't done that in a while and feel the pressure building up.

I am with you on so many levels considering the "baby thoughts". Aside the fact that there's no snuggle bunny around here I still try to make up my mind what I want, how I feel and what I'll do in the future. Sigh... Single dead-baby-momma is a hard job.

Crossing my fingers for your knee to heal good (and fast) and for that awesome, well-paid job that will for sure come around... xoxo

Catherine W said...

Everyone needs to have a good old cry fest once in a while. As you say, you have been through some super sucky times to put it mildly.

I can only speak from my own experience but, the fact that G died, didn't make me want her sister less. They were different, my love for each of them was similar but separate. I think it might be similar if you were have to another baby? Another child would certainly not be Toren, nobody else ever can be, but it would be ok. I think it would be ok.

Good luck with the new job plans. x