Oh boy that was a huge pity party yesterday! I sobbed for hours, which has not happened in a long time. A big cry fest has been lurking in the periphery for months now so it was time to get all out. The pregnancy announcement plus PMS plus muscle spasms from a new knee brace, and the stage was set for tears.
"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself." - William Faulkner
I can continue feeling sorry for myself, which is justifiable since the past 2+ years have been full of super sucky events, or I can be better than myself.
So do I want to have a baby? The lack of a husband does not seem like a large obstacle anymore. To make that happen here is what I need:
1. A new job that pays a whole lot of money. I am ready to get back into research and leave this underpaying administrative job behind. And call me a bitch but I DO NOT WANT to cover my colleagues work while she is on maternity leave again. Last time I worked my ass off only to stay underpaid and the only reason I was able to work such long hours was because I had no family to go home to at night. I would be too resentful this time around.
2. Talk to SnuggleBunny and see if he wants to reproduce with me. I think he will, but if not, I need to find other sperm.
Do I want a child though? I want Toren; will a different one be ok?
Issue 1: Other people's children annoy me - one, because they exist here on Earth and Toren doesn't and try as I may to not be bitter about this all of the time the fact is that this still hurts and it still feels so unfair; and two, kids ARE rather annoying! but there are plenty of women who only really like their own children so it's ok to feel this way.
Issue 2: I feel like a basket case much of the time still. But I think this is temporary and life is slowing getting more organized.
Right now the most compelling reason to try for a baby that lives is that I have had two pregnancies and both ended traumatically. If there is never a positive pregnancy ending to counter the horrible ones will I feel like I'm missing out on something important? Do I want to leave life still completely heartbroken where reproduction is concerned? Even if I always feel sad that Toren is dead, I think it is possible to gain some healing from fulfilling the dream to mother a child. There were so many things I was going to do for Toren - I am missing out on sharing some of the beauty of living with a child.
It's a lot to consider. But enough chatter for now - I need to kick ass at work to get closer to a new job!