I know I'm in this office to work but sometimes a girl can only take so many "Can I get this done NOW?"s Before she snaps and retreats to blogland for a bit. The reports, letters, e-mails to write and phone calls to return are now prioritized behind expressing my feelings.
And what I'm feeling is this: depleted
I spent Friday through Saturday night celebrating BF's birthday. The wee hours of Sunday were not great; without details, he was very ill from alcohol and I am a freaking saint. Then Sunday I canceled my plans to drive the still drunk boy to a dj job. It was fun hanging out where he was but it was so hot. I was positive, pleasant, patient, and encouraging all day. Driving home I tell him how much I enjoyed meeting one of his female friends at dinner the night before (she and I talked and talked!) and then it turns out that at dinner was the first time they had met in person but they have been talking on-line for months.
Can you say "emotional trigger"? He and I haven't been intimate lately - he is not interested - and now he's getting to know other girls on-line then meeting up with them. On the emotional level it doesn't matter that I was at dinner too, right now all that matters is that I've seen this pattern of behavior before and it ended so painfully.
There is no need for BF to be trusted - I don't need to trust him in the sense that I will not have so much of my life entwined with his that every part of life is negatively impacted if he were to suddenly be gone. But the worry that there are quiet conversations going on behind my back takes me to that anxious place where boys lie about their love, fuck around, and ultimately leave you with all of the household responsibilities and bills even though you fought your instincts and forgave over and over.
I'm mulling over "trust". How important is it? Do we need to trust others to fully love or care for someone? Can one have a meaningful life without trusting or relying on anyone else?