Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Monday, June 7, 2010

I know I'm in this office to work but sometimes a girl can only take so many "Can I get this done NOW?"s Before she snaps and retreats to blogland for a bit. The reports, letters, e-mails to write and phone calls to return are now prioritized behind expressing my feelings.

And what I'm feeling is this: depleted

I spent Friday through Saturday night celebrating BF's birthday. The wee hours of Sunday were not great; without details, he was very ill from alcohol and I am a freaking saint. Then Sunday I canceled my plans to drive the still drunk boy to a dj job. It was fun hanging out where he was but it was so hot. I was positive, pleasant, patient, and encouraging all day. Driving home I tell him how much I enjoyed meeting one of his female friends at dinner the night before (she and I talked and talked!) and then it turns out that at dinner was the first time they had met in person but they have been talking on-line for months.

Can you say "emotional trigger"? He and I haven't been intimate lately - he is not interested - and now he's getting to know other girls on-line then meeting up with them. On the emotional level it doesn't matter that I was at dinner too, right now all that matters is that I've seen this pattern of behavior before and it ended so painfully.

There is no need for BF to be trusted - I don't need to trust him in the sense that I will not have so much of my life entwined with his that every part of life is negatively impacted if he were to suddenly be gone. But the worry that there are quiet conversations going on behind my back takes me to that anxious place where boys lie about their love, fuck around, and ultimately leave you with all of the household responsibilities and bills even though you fought your instincts and forgave over and over.


I'm mulling over "trust". How important is it? Do we need to trust others to fully love or care for someone? Can one have a meaningful life without trusting or relying on anyone else?


caitsmom said...

Wow, "depleted" that's huge. I'm sorry that it seems that you are doing so much giving with little receiving. I think we can (and do) frequently love and care for others without complete trust. But, that's OK---if you expect something back then the benefit of giving isn't truly yours. But, that doesn't mean you allow yourself to be abused either. Meaning is about what you make of it. I think that "belief makes things real," and "meaning is made by you." ((((hugs)))) Hope you find a BF who gets it and know that you are trustworthy and that makes you desired---and hopefully feeling depleted will subside. Peace.

Quiet Dreams said...

You definitely deserve to receive in your life, as well as give. And I think that trust is a part of being able to receive.

I heard this weekend from a friend who is sticking a toe back in the dating world after her divorce that she is learning that one "warning sign" is all she needs to get to know a guy isn't for her. Now what constitutes a "warning sign" may be very individual, and I don't know if this is for you. Interesting to think about, though.

Sophie said...

What you got from your ex was a raw deal. You were owed and deserve so much more. You don't have to drop your standards, lower the bar, because he proved to be such an ass. Your expectations were not unreasonable. There are wonderful guys out there, and it might even be snuggle bunny, but draw the line and make sure he knows where it is. If he crosses it, kick him to the curb.

It's so easy to lecture when its someone else, I know. Trust is a huge issue for me. I'm sorry his actions are reminding you of shit head ex. He sucks, you rock. xx

Sophie said...
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Anonymous said...

Oh, wow. Seriously, I'd be furious. I don't need to read every email, but I couldn't stand to find out about a "friendship" that developed online - behind my back. All the while when I didn't get any intimacy.

For me, trust is essential (and nearly impossible for me to manage). If someone doesn't trust me enough to tell me about certain things, how should I trust him in return? Nowadays I see red flags where there are none at all but there's a few certain things that would be considered a no-go in my post-abusive-relationship-life. I really hope snuggle-bug doesn't mess up this... because you're a lovely, gorgeous person that doesn't deserve to be screwed with again.

Sending big loves and loads of sunshine! xoxo

debbie said...

what kind of online talking? where? why? Maybe I'm being quick to judge, but I don't like it and I think you deserve better.