Thank you all so much for listening to my last rant and giving such supportive feedback. It is a confusing situation with the collisions of past and present. I don't know if BF's new friend is a warning sign or red flag, or just simply a new friendship with someone who happens to be female. My gut says run away, but that would really be running away from the actions of my ex, which are in the past. I hope that makes sense.
I sent an e-mail explaining why I was being so distant (it's best if he has time to think about potentially troubling information so e-mail is better than face to face) and I'll just see what happens from there.
The scars that we carry can be exhausting. One deadbaby and suddenly seeing a pregnant women or baby becomes so COMPLICATED. There's the social norm that says we should be happy for pregnant women and seeing a baby should be a joyous experience. And even bitter old me gets emotional thinking about how that women is experiencing the complete and pure love that I have for Toren and I am happy when people get to feel that love because it is so beautiful. But then there's all of the other feelings: confusion over why others get living babies and I didn't, rage that my life is lived without my son, sorrowful nausea because by womb and arms still feel so empty.
One ended marriage to an unfaithful partner and I'm having trust issues over something that has not been proven to be suspect and even though I don't think trust is necessary for a romantic relationship. At least I don't want trust to be necessary.
And there are countless other ways that people can be hurt and react over and over to situations that happened before.
It's scary and sad that we can feel heartbroken over and over from things of the past.
Do any of you have weird emotional triggers?
There are certain restaurants that I won't go to because my husband and used to eat there together.
I get angry at SUV's because I wanted one to drive my kid around in. If I ever need a car that holds more than two people I'll probably go for a sedan - who knows though, maybe someday I could turn back into a softer person and fulfill that old wish for a mommy mobile.