Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Thank you all so much for listening to my last rant and giving such supportive feedback.  It is a confusing situation with the collisions of past and present.  I don't know if BF's new friend is a warning sign or red flag, or just simply a new friendship with someone who happens to be female.  My gut says run away, but that would really be running away from the actions of my ex, which are in the past.  I hope that makes sense.

I sent an e-mail explaining why I was being so distant (it's best if he has time to think about potentially troubling information so e-mail is better than face to face) and I'll just see what happens from there.

The scars that we carry can be exhausting.  One deadbaby and suddenly seeing a pregnant women or baby becomes so COMPLICATED.  There's the social norm that says we should be happy for pregnant women and seeing a baby should be a joyous experience.  And even bitter old me gets emotional thinking about how that women is experiencing the complete and pure love that I have for Toren and I am happy when people get to feel that love because it is so beautiful.  But then there's all of the other feelings: confusion over why others get living babies and I didn't, rage that my life is lived without my son, sorrowful nausea because by womb and arms still feel so empty.

One ended marriage to an unfaithful partner and I'm having trust issues over something that has not been proven to be suspect and even though I don't think trust is necessary for a romantic relationship.  At least I don't want trust to be necessary.

And there are countless other ways that people can be hurt and react over and over to situations that happened before. 

It's scary and sad that we can feel heartbroken over and over from things of the past.

Do any of you have weird emotional triggers?
There are certain restaurants that I won't go to because my husband and used to eat there together.
I get angry at SUV's because I wanted one to drive my kid around in.  If I ever need a car that holds more than two people I'll probably go for a sedan - who knows though, maybe someday I could turn back into a softer person and fulfill that old wish for a mommy mobile.


cgd said...

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. You are so deserving a break already. My best advice, is to trust your instincts in your relationship with your BF, they usually tell you the right way to go.
As far as triggers go, I totally get that. For me time is the hardest part, how much time as gone on since I have been TTC, since we lost our baby, how pregnant I should still be, etc. It is so hard, but in some ways comforting. To me, it means i will never foget these experiences, something I really fear.
hang in there.

Catherine W said...

I don't know. I'm a bit biased on this one because of my own past. I would go with cgd, trust your instincts. I think the fact that you've e-mailed him is really considerate and I hope that it gets to the bottom of this situation.

It is very hard to differentiate between what belongs to the past, and should remain there, from the present day warning signs that shouldn't be ignored. I know that I over-react to my husband's female friends, I would rather he didn't have any to be honest (and I know that sounds unreasonable and awful!) and I place the blame for that firmly on my previous relationship.

It is so difficult to know when a reaction is genuinely provoked by the situation in front of us or if it is just one of those old scars stinging.

Would be good if we could tell the difference wouldn't it?

Quiet Dreams said...

I definitely have weird emotional triggers--seeing certain foods at the grocery store that I only bought for him, hearing certain phrases come out of my mouth and knowing that he used to say it all the time, seeing the same model car he used to drive--I always check to make sure it's not him in the driver's seat, even though that would be CRAZY.


Sophie said...

I have a few triggers. The word retard is a huge one for me. I see red. :[

Glad you emailed Snuggle bunny. Hope it helps clarify things for both of you. Talk, talk and more talk is so good for you... even if its email.