This is kind of sacred territory - still hidden from the people that I know in real life but it doesn't exactly feel anonymous anymore since I feel so close to fellow babylost bloggers and some of you are fb friends. Anniversaries seem like a time of reflection but I can't sum up the past two years neatly. It's like the answer isn't known yet.
Baby died = devastating
Husband left = betrayal and shame on top of devastation
Figured out how to take care of myself = housemates, boyfriend, therapy, antidepressants
Devastation + betrayal and shame - learning independence = ?
Has it all balanced out yet?
But the really important parts of the journey don't have words yet. Am I ok with the baby dying and my husband leaving? It feels like events that sad and life altering leave a permanent imprint on your soul and body. Time and antidepressants and new love ease the anguish but the memories are still so fresh. Dividing the line between being sunk in sorrow and being a capable adult again is this huge wall built of "Once the Universe decided that my baby would die", "Once I held my son and knew that I would do anything to protect him and that loving him was what I was on Earth to do, and then his body went to the morgue while I left the hospital cradling his memory box", "Once my husband left me without warning and I was so alone, so embarrassed, and so lost that I tried to kill myself and was taken to a mental hospital, involuntarily, in the back of a police car".
The stories of "I knew someone who bled through their entire pregnancy and the baby was fine", "I knew someone who had a scary ultrasound and their baby was fine", "I knew someone whose baby was sick but we all prayed and the baby turned out fine" don't apply here. And no one tells tales of "I knew someone who loved their baby as much as you love yours and hers died". Those life stories are silenced until they have no importance in life away from a grief blog or support group. Those life changing, beyond important stories, are silenced.
Leaning on that wall is where I remain. I am capable of doing so much in terms of being a "normal person" but not everyday; some days I'm back to feeling so sick that I can't possibly leave the house. Going out to see anyone from "before" other than my closest friends is not even considered anymore. I have a wonderful boyfriend but I can't tell him that I love him. That level of commitment is simply not safe.
Love is not safe. But love is the most beautiful thing in life. How can one release themselves to love after learning that what you love dearly can be ripped away?
........
Ooops, I meant to tell you about other things, fun things, and show garden photos. I meant to comment on the progress made from the beginning of this blog so that others would know that healing is possible. Snuggle bunny is here which means it's time to perk up, so real fast:
I thought this Clematis was dead two years ago but check out the mass of blooms it has this year.
Squash blossom
Fading yucca blooms - these flowers are amazing
This is what I'm listening to - fun, energetic music :D
8 comments:
i have just recently started listening to "fun" music again myself. i've been listening to quiet music since our infertility battles started in 2006-7. in fact, i listening to this song earlier tonight, too!
happy blogoversary or whatever it's called. holy sh!t, my own is coming right up too. i think it might be this weekend, actually. dang. i guess we really are all going somewhere.
Oh Anna, happy blogoversary!! The sun is shining today, is it's a perfect day to spend in the garden (which I will do). I am right there with you on the "love is not safe" front and your sentence struck a chord with me big time: "How can one release themselves to love after learning that what you love dearly can be ripped away?"
I don't even want to get a cat - because that only means to one day lose a loved one again and again. I can't commit to someone either - instead I spend my time building my wall around me. As to not being hurt again.
Love your garden... I'm a big fan of clematis. Have a nice weekend with snuggle-bug and friends! xoxox
Oh Anna, happy blogoversary!! The sun is shining today, is it's a perfect day to spend in the garden (which I will do). I am right there with you on the "love is not safe" front and your sentence struck a chord with me big time: "How can one release themselves to love after learning that what you love dearly can be ripped away?"
I don't even want to get a cat - because that only means to one day lose a loved one again and again. I can't commit to someone either - instead I spend my time building my wall around me. As to not being hurt again.
Love your garden... I'm a big fan of clematis. Have a nice weekend with snuggle-bug and friends! xoxox
Happy blogoversary. So glad to have met you Anna and glad to walk this journey with you.
Hope you're feeling much better soon. The clematis is stunning! Must get me some of that.
xxxx
Happy blogoversay my friend! Personally I think when we have noticed how much we've grown since the death of someone special, we're shocked, at least I was. It was almost as if I needed to go back to being sad, it felt better, more comfortable to me. After I got use to being happy, I much rather enjoy it. Now I can put on happy fun music and have a dance party in the kitchen, it's very nice!
Your pictures are beautiful! Can't wait to see when the squash is HUGE!
*HUGS*
Happy Blogoversary. I'm so glad you're writing.
I found it so cathartic to decide which things I would take, and which things I would leave behind. Granted a very different situation than yours. It's very powerful, this connection we have to things that have a connection to times in our lives.
Happy Anniversary, Anna! What a journey you've been on and have handled it with grace. No matter what you've dealt with, your love for Torren has shown through it all.
As a wise friend (you) told me recently, "I'm proud of you." You have been through more in the past 2 years than most do in their entire lifetimes. Yet here you are - not only surviving but thriving. To be able to weather those moments of sadness and rebound shows the amount of healing that has taken place. I too, am so glad that you're blogging again. It helps to know that someone else in this big world can relate to babyloss and the trail of devastation it leaves behind. Hope you feel better. I just got over a case of laryngitis too. Hugs..
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