Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Monday, August 2, 2010

I woke up heartbroken today, which isn't all that unusual but I explored it to see if acknowledging the problem behind the ache would make it go away.  It didn't but perhaps more time is needed.  Babylost land is a lonely, lonely place.  I don't think I can say it enough.  Lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely...

Thankfully there is this virtual oasis but some days I could just use an actual hug and a sincere "how are you doing?" and have it be ok when I don't say "great!", "fine", "good".  I'm not doing good today but there's no time to let the wall holding it all back to come down.  There are e-mails to respond to and piles of other important things that really look like bullshit when compared to feeling so alone.  How many other people in this building are feeling similarly?  How would we ever find each other when we are all doing "good"?

I'm seeing my psychiatrist next week but what if all of the medication adjustments in the world can't really cure this persistent depression?  What if all the pills can do is make it look more believable when I say that I'm "fine"?  It's so silly how this bout started: last week on the phone my Mom didn't ask me how my knee was.  She has a lot of worries right now and rationally I know that my fractured knee was not important enough to be on her radar.  But it triggered some stupid abandonment issues and over the week the feelings of being forgotten grew.  Last night I saw photos from my sister's baby shower that I didn't know she was having.  I'm not close to my family, physically or in any other way so it should not be a surprise - it's still choking though.  It's like, your baby dies and makes everyone terribly uncomfortable then you sink into a deep hole (that may or may not be filled with cases of wine) and while you grieve and are not making enough efforts to keep in contact with people you become forgotten so by the time you crawl out of that hole everyone has moved on and is used to not hearing from you.

For the millionth time I wonder, why aren't I doing as well as people expect me to be?  Why do I still miss the baby that is just a very distant memory for most people around me?

I'm actually feeling more stable than it sounds above, the long path out of depression has me worn out right now.


Last week was a very low energy, long work day week and I didn't do well on my health goals.  But when our goals are not met we just appreciate ourselves for at least trying, dust off, and try again.  My health goals for this week are going to be free form.  I will do at least one healthy thing everyday and keep a log of them off to the right sidebar.

Today is a new day.  If you did great with your goals from last week please share your successes!  If you did not so great that's ok, you are still a good person.

Please feel free to share your goals in a comment or write a post about them and leave a link to your blog.


cgd said...

I am so sorry that you are feeling so down and lonely. I wrote a post this morning about feeling like I was on my own island, which just sucks. I think it is just hard when not only do you feel so sad but there is nobody around you who really gets it. I sometimes think that the new realities of our lives are that we need to accept that there will be times like this. this does not make us unstable but just part of who we are now.
Sending love your way.

Reba said...

i'm so sorry you're feeling alone today. i'm sure you know we all wake up and have those days sometimes. sometimes it's a random trigger that takes digging to find, other times it's very obvious like a big stinging slap. sometimes we just need a hug and don't know why. (((((((((HUG))))))))))

Ya Chun said...

virtual oasis is right, dearie.

I feel like this often, it's hard and noone seems to get it. I really wonder what people think sometimes.

That sucks about that baby shower. Really sucks.

As for your health goals, don't forget, working burns calories too, so you did just fine this week! And I think my goals are always a bit free form. I just have goals to be active.

Do you take walks on the weekend with your guy? That's one thing I always look forward to , is a walk with Triple S. That way if I did nothing else all week, at least I did that!

angelseashore said...

You are not alone,my friend. I understand what it feels like going to bed heartbroken, waking up heartbroken and spending the day in that state. It sucks, plain and simple.

I'm glad that you're goals will be free form this week. I didn't so hot these past few days either. I'm back on track today.

Be gentle with yourself and just remember that you have been through the most horrific thing a mother can go through - losing your son. Surviving day to day is an accomplishment all on it's own for us babylost mamas.

Carly said...

Virtual love to you. I'm feeling what you're feeling and it sucks.

"For the millionth time I wonder, why aren't I doing as well as people expect me to be? Why do I still miss the baby that is just a very distant memory for most people around me?"

This is my day today as i sit here in silence, alone. The world goes on. Yes I'm "good, fine and great" but really what else do you say? "No actually, i know it's been almost two years since I had a daughter and she died and you've managed to NOT talk about that. I'm not okay today."

Perhaps I should start drinking wine?

XOXOX Love to you!

Quiet Dreams said...

I think that all pain is isolating, but add to that the discomfort that so many seem to feel at the thought of dealing with someone who has lost a child---I can only imagine how lonely it must get. Lonely's no fun.

Grief and depression: not so funny how they reach up and grab you when you don't expect it. Like walking through a minefield.

Many hugs.

butterflymom said...

Hang in there with everything...I feel what you're feeling. Loneliness is an awful feeling. Makes me sick to realize how many of us go through it and want it to just go away--unfortunately, it may never go away. Just keep hoping it gets easier.

Lisette said...