I woke up heartbroken today, which isn't all that unusual but I explored it to see if acknowledging the problem behind the ache would make it go away. It didn't but perhaps more time is needed. Babylost land is a lonely, lonely place. I don't think I can say it enough. Lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely...
Thankfully there is this virtual oasis but some days I could just use an actual hug and a sincere "how are you doing?" and have it be ok when I don't say "great!", "fine", "good". I'm not doing good today but there's no time to let the wall holding it all back to come down. There are e-mails to respond to and piles of other important things that really look like bullshit when compared to feeling so alone. How many other people in this building are feeling similarly? How would we ever find each other when we are all doing "good"?
I'm seeing my psychiatrist next week but what if all of the medication adjustments in the world can't really cure this persistent depression? What if all the pills can do is make it look more believable when I say that I'm "fine"? It's so silly how this bout started: last week on the phone my Mom didn't ask me how my knee was. She has a lot of worries right now and rationally I know that my fractured knee was not important enough to be on her radar. But it triggered some stupid abandonment issues and over the week the feelings of being forgotten grew. Last night I saw photos from my sister's baby shower that I didn't know she was having. I'm not close to my family, physically or in any other way so it should not be a surprise - it's still choking though. It's like, your baby dies and makes everyone terribly uncomfortable then you sink into a deep hole (that may or may not be filled with cases of wine) and while you grieve and are not making enough efforts to keep in contact with people you become forgotten so by the time you crawl out of that hole everyone has moved on and is used to not hearing from you.
For the millionth time I wonder, why aren't I doing as well as people expect me to be? Why do I still miss the baby that is just a very distant memory for most people around me?
I'm actually feeling more stable than it sounds above, the long path out of depression has me worn out right now.
Last week was a very low energy, long work day week and I didn't do well on my health goals. But when our goals are not met we just appreciate ourselves for at least trying, dust off, and try again. My health goals for this week are going to be free form. I will do at least one healthy thing everyday and keep a log of them off to the right sidebar.
Today is a new day. If you did great with your goals from last week please share your successes! If you did not so great that's ok, you are still a good person.
Please feel free to share your goals in a comment or write a post about them and leave a link to your blog.