Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Not losing it

My health goals for this week are to not lose patience with anyone to their face and to avoid alcohol because it is contributing to my depression.  Losing patience will make me very un-proud of my behavior so this is a positive self-esteem goal, which is an important part of overall health.  I've been going to the gym to burn off stress!

Obstacles (aka Oh fuck me)
1.  Menstrual period approacheth = hormones and the disappointment of not having a birth control failure.  What a mental mind fuck to be so divided in purpose.  On one hand (the rational one) the time for ttc is not quite here, on the other hand I'm tired of being stuck "here".  "Here" is where you watch others building their families while you wait and wait and wait and wonder if your turn already came and went.  Remember that the joy that others experience does not lessen one's own joy? ... why is this so non-intuitive?  Why do I have to repeat this over and over to remind myself that I'm happy too?  Weapon of choice: a pack of gluten-free brownies

2.  Mental health professionals are annoying.  Remember when I was really upset and my therapists seemingly random advice was to set boundaries?  That still is not making me feel any better and come to think of it, I'm really sucking at establishing boundaries.  Then yesterday I saw my psychiatrist to see if the meds were leading to mental check outs and the absence of org.asms.  She interpreted the problem as a change in the generic manufacturer of the pills.  I said that I thought there was no change but she wrote me a prescription anyway (with a note to give me the "right" one) and said to come back in if this doesn't fix the problem.  Guess what!  The new prescription is for the the exact same thing that I've been taking.  It is not cool that I have to pay for another visit now. Weapon of choice: Practice setting boundaries by seeing if the prescription issue can be resolved through e-mail.

3.  Lack of orga.ms.  Oh fuck me ... but it doesn't seem to do any good...

4.  Things are definitely strained now that the colleague I work closest with is pregnant with her second baby.  I listen sympathetically to her plight of vomiting everyday because it is polite but come on and return the effort lady!  I took a sick day on Friday because my calendar was clear and I was feeling very stressed from not sleeping well for the past couple of weeks; here was our exchange on Monday:

Her:  Are you feeling better?
Me: Yes, I was just very tired from not sleeping well for the past ... (I was still talking)
Her:  I left after being here an hour.  I threw up all day, I don't know if it was from the baby or the sinus infection.
Me:  That sucks.  Are you feeling better?  You sound better.
Her:  Yes.  You know klono.pin makes people very tired.  I've taken it as a sleep aid.
Me:  One of my friends does that too.
Her:  So if you are not having an anxiety attack and take it it could make you tired.
Me:  uh?
Her:  If you are already feeling calm and take your clonaz.epam it may make you feel tired.
Me:  But the problem is I haven't been sleeping.
Her:  Oh.  How was the play last night?

Do you ever feel like you are not being heard at all?

BTW I've been taking a couple of clona.zepam a day, as prescribed, for daily anxiety attacks which started several weeks ago, about the time of her pregnancy announcement.  Yes, I think that it makes me less energetic during the day but I don't nap on most weekdays and still go to work and then go to the gym or see  friends or do errands at night.  I'm not skipping work because I'm taking clona.zepam!

She's finding out the sex of the baby on Thursday.  I was so excited for Toren's anatomy ultrasound until learning that vital parts of the baby's anatomy could be completely missing and you learn that your baby is going to die which kind of distracts from the big reveal of the gender.  She thinks it is a girl.  And this makes me almost lose it because she already has a baby boy while mine died and now she will get a daughter too?!  This makes my head spin for some reason.

I will not lose patience in public... I will not lose patience in public... I will not lose patience in public

Um, sorry for the huge, hormone induced rant.  Overall, life is better than I made it sound here and I feel better getting all of that out.  I'm going to get comfortable in bed with my brownies and wish for some sound sleep.

What are your health goals for this week?


Ya Chun said...

UGH! What an annoying coworker - can you get you desk moved? that would be setting up boundaries (Take that shrink!)

I hope all the chocolate didn't keep you up. I've had to really cut back on sweets and chocolate in the evening if I want to sleep anxiety-free.

glad the kitty cuddles were there for you :)

Catherine W said...

Oh ick. I'm sorry. What a collection of things that suck.

I hope that the brownies helped a little.

Anonymous said...

Arghh.... the conversation with your colleague makes ME want to throw up. Yay for not-being-heard... this makes me so angry. You have the right to loose it an time with an insensitive *beep* like this.

My health goal this week: survive PMS and don't forget to eat. I'd have some of your brownies as well... ;)

Glad to read you're feeling better today. Enjoy your special treat, sure it'll make you feel even better!


Quiet Dreams said...

Um, I kind of want to punch your co-worker in the face. Too bad punching pregnant women is kind of looked down on.

My health goals have been things like, "Be kind to self." As far as change, I am trying to focus on really small, incremental changes that may be more sustainable and go along better with the whole self-kindness thing. But, ack, it's all hard.

Sophie said...

I've been sitting on this post for a couple of days. I can't seem to get past number three!!! Crap! I hope that resolves itself for you. Thems just something we girls need to function right.

I hope the rant felt good.
Always reading, even if not commenting right away. I have a tendancy these days to open up a blog and wait for a time when I can give it my full attention and shit just happens! :(