It was just an estimate made early in pregnancy of when he (before he was known to be a boy!) was to be born, but it's all I have to be able to say that around this day he would have turned five. FIVE! In a parallel life, we would be preparing for starting kindergarten in the coming fall. I really enjoy kids around this age, when they are adorably expressive and still like to cuddle.
I went to work yesterday for the first time since March 28 became an anniversary. My mom is proud of me and thinks it's a sign of healing. I'm not so sure. What if I'm healed AND elect to not treat days that were (are?) about Toren as if they were just an ordinary day?
Every day is a day of silently missing Toren.
Having tried it, I don't think I will take the day off next year. With work,
there wasn't time to visit the cemetery yesterday (or today, or
tomorrow). There wasn't space to reflect.
3 comments:
thinking of you, anna. i think of it as a sign of healing, too. last year (the twins' 4th birthday) was my 1st year not taking the day off. i still did get to go to the cemetery but at the time things were very bad financially so all i was able to buy for a decoration was i think maybe a balloon. it did feel like a "good" step to not take the whole day off. i will be working again on their birthday this year (it would be their 5th) which is in 11 days. things again are not so financially great but at least this year i have some savings to fall back on and i will be getting them flowers for their grave with it.
I don't think I've ever taken the day off. Knowing me, I'd just be depressed all day. Work is a good distraction for me.
I keep up with how old my kid would be, too, and it is so painful to see kids of similar ages living in the world.
5.
Do what feels right next year.
This year, Serenity's fifth dearthday was low key. I made a simple cake and we ate it. But everyday I think of her and still feel pangs in my heart.
But a special day to attend Toren's grave and think about him truly is a special thing.
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