Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Sure this is my place to be a downer ...

... but this is getting to be a bit much even for me. Here are a bunch of random thoughts.

The closer the October 31 terrorversary gets the more unsettled I feel for reasons that I can't even explain.

In general now I don't have anxiety attacks when I see someone who is pregnant. But the closer October 31 gets the more people reveal they are expecting and those who already told me about their gestating tiny precious things are pregnanter by the day. I AM happy for them, there's just a lot of tender belly rubbing going on lately and I find myself ferociously maintaining eye contact to avoid staring directly at rounded bellies.

My boss has a grant application due today so I'm hanging out doing small tasks for her while she finishes it up. If can leave her in time tonight I'll go to a SHARE meeting. I don't even feel like talking though. I just want to slump in a chair in the presence of people who will understand that it's just one of those days where you have been pleasant, helpful, and busy all day while your entire being has been begging to simply go home, put on some slippers, and grab a snuggly blanket (and two shaven cats in this case).

This weekend I'll be helping out at A Walk to Remember, probably by being at one of the tables giving out information or doing whatever else. I'm glad to have something to do there since I'm going alone. Being helpful will be better than standing by myself.

You know when minor sad or frustrating things build up to create sleepless nights and lots of sighing?

Approaching sad anniversaries (even though I don't know specifically why I am sadder about it than normal)
Injured cats (even though they will recover)
Stressed, out of work hubby (even though he is doing some work, it's commission only and he has no paycheck upcoming. I know he is grumpy over not having a job and I hate it when he is like this)

The tipping point between my normal baby blues and wondering if it's time to increase my antidepressant dose is some very sad news.

Do you remember the pictures of my friend's baby Shih Tzu from a while back? He died yesterday in a tragic accident. My friend and her boyfriend are so sad and feel so much guilt since after the fact they were able to identify a list of things they could have done differently to possibly prevent his death. I went over when I found out and sat with my friend as she cried and vomited all afternoon until her boyfriend got off work.

I am worried about them and so sad for them. And I'll miss his puppy snuggles.

If I were to act on how I feel I'd be walking around, head down, kicking dirt all pathetic like. Sigh.


Sara said...

Oh damn, what awful news about that adorable doggy! :(

I'm sorry things are bluer than normal.

Reba said...

that is so sad about your friend's dog :(

i'm feeling sad enough with the first of the holidays looming, i can't imagine how you're feeling. if you need more meds, get more meds. they're there to help us.

Zil said...

I do know how minor things build up and become a big bubble of sadness. I'm so sorry you are having a tough day.

Meg said...

That's how it usually is. A bunch of "little" things add up to make one huge sadness. But, sometimes a bunch of small little things can start to add up and make things a little better. I hope this happens for you.

So sorry about your friend's puppy. How sad!

Sophie said...

That's terrible! So sorry to hear about the puppy. He was so beautiful!