Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Saturday, October 25, 2008

The ugly dog competition on Animal Planet is too funny. Yeah, it's another fun Saturday night for me! And it's not like there are not things to do - my husband is dj-ing as usual, some friends had dinner out, but while I usually can be pried from the house with food I don't like hibachi.

I had my first deep tissue massage today. At the first painful presses I grimaced, laughed and told my massage therapist, Vera, how a friend of mine (who is also a client) said that deep tissue from Vera was brutal but that you felt like a new person afterwards. Vera asked who I wanted to become. I'm still working on an answer.

Things that gotta go:
Anger towards people who hurt my feelings

There were a few times when I almost cried during the massage. This body has been through so much; it stores a lifetime of life weirdness ...

"Life weirdness" is the best I could come up with to describe neglect, abuse, chronic pain, and an autoimmune disease. On top of that, labor and delivery, pills inserted to soften my cervix, so many hands checking progress, all culminating in seeing my tiny, dead son. The boy who didn't grow all of the necessary organs. He looked so good on the outside...

The weirdest thought I had after hearing that the baby would not live was "of course he will die, because that is the kind of thing that would happen with me as his mother." I had known about my crooked spine with a lumpy spot from an early life fracture, intestines that can't absorb gluten - I didn't know my uterus couldn't grow a complete baby. Even though no cause for the agenesis has been identified I still feel like I did something wrong. Instead of marveling over a fertile, life giving uterus, I've been calling mine the "womb of doom" - Beware all souls who enter here.

So yes, I do want to be someone else, I wanted to turn into someone new today.

Anyway, I didn't intend to say all of that. I was going give an update on my cat. She had a third vet visit today where her toe was drained and she now has more antibiotics to take and we have pain shot to give her. By the time I got home she had one shot, was walking on her injured leg, and was ready to go outside to play. Of course she can't go out because hubby and I are mean. My other cat slept a lot when he had pain medication but she is snuggly, playful, and is eating well. This is not characteristic of her... Tiny Tim is HIGH.

How was that for a blog of randomness?


Meg said...

I think it is normal to blame yourself, although, obviously it's not really the case. I'm sorry you feel like that toward yourself.

I'm glad your cat is at least feeling no pain. You are taking great care of them.

Did you feel better after the massage?

Ya Chun said...

I too am at odds with my body. I found out after the delivery when my spine was MORE painful than ever before that I've got one leg shorter than the other and my tendons are too long. I'm also gluten-intolerant. I also love/hate my deep tissue massage therapist, and I am really due for one (my back is all out again) but I am dreading calling for an appt. beacuse I am so sore for a few days after...

I did find some papers on Pubmed (I see from your bio that you are a scientist too) about celiac and pregnancy outcomes - I hope you are following a 110% GF diet. Pregnancy outcome can be affected with undiagnosed celiac (ie eating wheat) and pregnancy can INDUCE celiac disease. I'm glad I was following the diet during my pregnancy (My mom is celiac and I am undiagnosed but went GF 10 years ago and now have no headaches and other 'minor' symptoms).

Anyway, sorry long and random comment to go with your random post...

janis said...

((hugs)) I am glad you got a good massage, even if it can hurt!

CLC said...

It's hard to not blame ourselves? Who else can we blame really? I want to tell you not to, but then I would be a hypocrite. So instead, I will just say I hear you loud and clear.

Sophie said...

Hi Anna,

I had a massage a day or so before my Jordan died. We were with her in palliative care and we were wretched with sadness and illness and just miserable. Some dear friends of ours sent me a mobile masseuse, knowing that I have back pain and that for six months we hadn't spent any time taking care of ourselves. It hurt like hell and I cried too. There was something about having someone try and make you feel physically well when inside you hurt so bad.

Anyway, sorry to waffle.

If you want a distraction I have tagged you with a meme! Don't forget the bling that goes with it.

Zil said...

Annamarie - Remember the good things about yourself too. From the posts you've made on my site and from your blog, I see that you are an honest and caring person.