It's been two years since... what exactly?
since I last had faith that things would work out well
since my heart didn't constantly ache
since I was maternal
since I felt my family was proud of me
since I felt that the future would be gorgeous
and those don't adequately describe it
What was I doing two years ago? Was it a great day? Was it a happy day?
It's been two years since I wasn't taking a single antidepressant
since I was happily sober
since I was happy to be living my life, with my own baby on the way, with my own husband - three unique souls together
since I believed that I would fall into the majority side of a very important statistic
since I didn't know the words "bilateral renal agenesis"
I had been bleeding for weeks and frequent check-ups always turned out great - the baby had a strong heartbeat so everything was presumed to be fine. None of us knew that his heartbeat was contained in increasingly cramped quarters. So many people told me that some women bleed through an entire pregnancy and they have healthy babies. Over and over women have healthy babies. Everyone believed I would be one of those women. I was cautious but at 18 weeks and 4 days, after hearing that heartbeat so often, I thought it was just about safe to seriously argue about names and sign up for birthing classes and prepare his room.
Two years ago I believed that in just one more day, after the anatomy ultrasound, I would breathe a sigh of relief. Surely I had already had my big scare on the day so much blood came rushing out of me weeks before.
Two years ago today I believed that in two days I would be showing off new ultrasound images of my little boy; I would be e-mailing the pictures to all of the would-be grandparents, aunts, and uncles.
Two years ago I believed that my family was growing. I believed that I would never be on birth control again because siblings would be very welcome before premature ovarian failure hit.
Two years ago today I never ever EVER would have guessed that that my husband would be GONE... that I wouldn't be balancing family life and work... that the baby's room would be rented out... that I simply wouldn't give a fuck about credit scores, mowed lawns, my career, basic car maintenance, home cooked meals... that it would be so easy to sleep with other men. Two years ago today I'd be shocked at the amount of alcohol I can now consume without getting sick.
Two years ago today I wasn't bitter, jealous, or consumed by anger; I didn't rage against being a member of the unlucky.
Two years ago today Halloween was my favorite holiday. I loved the parties and giving out candy to children.
Two years ago today I had more friends.
ONE year ago today I believed that I was going to make a big comeback very soon, in fact I was secretly sure that I would have a new baby or be very close to birthing by today. I had hope.
Today... I have a bottle of wine which I will drink without judgment since excess drinking doesn't happen all that often anymore. I don't have hope for beauty in my life but perhaps I don't need it anymore. I sometimes get out of bed because I'm excited for the day instead of just because that is what is expected of me.
Today I hope that by this time next year Toren and I will have a revised relationship that allows for more love and less agony in my life on Earth. Today I still secretly hope for a family or at least something good enough to replace that craving.
This post sucks, but it's important.