Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


... and I just wanted to numb out more with a bottle of wine and, before bed, a sleeping pill.

The no alcohol thing didn't last too long but I have cut back...truly.

Earlier today at my annual "female" doctor's visit I was getting my finger pricked for the blood iron test and suddenly a loud cheering came from down the hall. I looked at the technician and she said someone just found out what they were having - as in a boy or a girl baby. I said they must be happy with what they are getting.

Although maybe they would have had that response no matter the gender since if the gender is the major finding of the anatomy ultrasound you are doing pretty good so far. Not like one of those ultrasounds that start out with excitement from the parents and silence from the ultrasound technician.

"Oh, there he is all curled up at the bottom."

Without amniotic fluid present I couldn't see a baby at all, but it wasn't until later that I realized that this was a very bad thing. It wasn't just about not being able to see him clearly, it was deadly, but they don't tell you that right away.


I like my doctor very much because she is so patient about answering my questions. The visit turned out well in the sense that all of my concerns were addressed. I am being tested for all STI's (because since the last exam I have had sex with a new partner and (last fall) my ex-husband, who was questionable in the faithfulness department), I have a prescription for the Nu.va Ri.ng (plus 4 samples, yay!), I will go in on day 3 of my cycle to get the FSH test to see if I am in premature ovarian failure PLUS my doctor ordered the anti mullerian hormone test to check on my ovarian reserve. I'm seeing if my insurance will cover the AMH test (it's normally part of infertility diagnostics, which are not normally covered, but I since I have a family history of premature ovarian failure my doctor and I are hoping that insurance will cover it as more of a preventive health thing) but if they don't I'll get it done anyway (if I can afford it out of pocket!) because I need some idea of how much longer I have to try for another baby.


And I have gained less weight than I thought I did!


I used the Nu.va Ri.ng for many years before quitting birth control and I'm glad to have a contraceptive that I'm familiar with. It has been about 2 and a half years since I last used a hormonal contraceptive so please cross your fingers that I adjust well to it and don't scare off my reason for using contraception! I'm glad I don't have to take an anti-baby pill everyday.

It truly is a wonderful thing that women are able to prevent pregnancy with a near 100% success rate, but the same cannot be said for conceiving. What will happen when circumstances are right for me? Will I still be fertile?

And it's not that I'm just complaining needlessly - since I'm not ttc I don't know if I have the ability to conceive anymore or not. I have a great deal of compassion for those with diagnosed infertility and hopefully my worrying about infertility that may or may not be present or near won't be upsetting. But I'm not in any position to have a baby. I know I could have unprotected sex right now in an attempt to conceive, but then what? I don't have a lot of money since my ex left me with the house and the bills that home ownership entails. I have two housemates now that probably wouldn't be too thrilled with a newborn entering the house. And most importantly, I like this guy I'm seeing and I wouldn't want to ruin what we have right now by getting pregnant. He is worth seeing how things develop between us without stressful complications or deceit on my part.

My mom and maternal grandmother each entered premature ovarian failure at age 35. I turn 35 in 4 months.


After the doctors appointment I wandered around doing errands. I needed fancy salon shampoo, socks, a new bra, and after getting all of these things I still felt so unsatisfied. It was that feeling of knowing that regardless of whatever "treats" you bought yourself you would still want for more.

Empty. Numb. And only craving more removal from my thoughts through glasses of Merlot.

It isn't so surprising really.

It has been a good day. Really.


Sophie said...

Thinking of you Anna. I hope you get good news in the fertility and other tests department.

Wishing very much I could join you with that glass of Merlot.


Meg said...

I often feel very clumsy with my words.... I wish comfort for you Anna. I wish I could say something that conveys my care for you and wish for you to have happiness without guilt for being happy. I'm glad you've found a man who is good to you. You deserve that. I hope your test show that you have lots of time left to think about conceiving. (((hugs)))

Ya Chun said...

I am glad that you are taking care of yourself. That's step #1 in getting to a place in life where you can think about kids again.

And oh, so this new guy is working out??? Exciting.

And everytime I read one of your posts, I curse that ex of yours. Sucky sucky guy.