Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I have diligently tried for two years to drown the memories of the life I almost had in a sea of alcohol - unfortunately my tolerance for booze has become too high for these thoughts to be swept away... so grab another glass of wine and a huge bowl of ice cream and let's stroll down memory lane!

In the handful of days before entering the hospital to terminate Toren's pregnancy I did a lot of reading and learned that a fetus at a mere 20 week gestational age can be born alive. They don't stay that way for very long though. Toren died before he was delivered. I knew he wouldn't live no matter what gestational age he made it to and it was both a relief along with huge a disappointment that I never got to see him alive outside of me (I wanted desperately for him to die with me rather than with nurses tending to him so I did get this wish). At the 6 week follow-up visit with my doctor I asked her why he wasn't born alive and learned that with delicate fetuses who are not cushioned by amniotic fluid the force of the contractions often kills them. My uterus crushed Toren to death.

Another confession - I like to watch the show "I didn't know I was pregnant". Doesn't that sound ideal?! No known pregnancy to worry through and everyone on the show ends up with healthy take-home babies! Unlike the women on the show who recognize no signs of pregnancy I have frequent pregnancy symptoms, despite the absence of sexual encounters (until recently) and the baby. I have pregnancy daydreams. Almost two years after Toren and I DAYDREAM about being pregnant. Why not daydream about fantastic vacations to Greece or discovering a major cause of bilateral renal agenesis? Or why not at least daydream about paying all of my bills on time every month or being caught up on laundry?

What next? I am still suicidal every so often, like earlier tonight, and I think I have figured out a major contributor... add PMS to the list of self-diagnosed health issues! (Also on the list are PTSD and a sprained toe) Before August when my housemates moved in and I met the snugglebunny I was depressed 24-7; during the last couple of months I have been truly happy at times, but then around a week before my period I become so "moody" (as in amazingly depressed, suicidal, and out of my mind crazy). I'm afraid I will drive this awesome guy away by being insane and that makes me very, very sad to think about. I'm really trying to hold it together and I take my meds everyday and see my therapist once a week but I still can't quite make it to "normal".

And back to the start - at least I think Toren was dead when he was born. He and I were alone and I didn't quite know what had just happened due to the sedation I'd been on all week, pain medication for labor pains in the form of morphine which it turns out I'm allergic to so benadryl was added into the mix too. Gravity took over and it seriously took a few moments for me to figure out what I was looking at. He was all curled up and just when I was starting to stroke him with a finger a nurse leaned over me, cut the cord and swept him away.


I have confessed my way to sober. Good night.


Bree said...

I torture myself withthat dumb show too. I don't get how these women could not know they were pregnant. I feel like I want to be one of those women next pregnancy. I don't want to be anxiety ridden all day long.

I get the sucicidal thoughts. I've had them many many times. Hang in there. Skip the wine, but don't give up the ice cream sundaes. And, sex, have lots and lots of sex with your new hunny.

KuKd Chick said...

I have to say, booze has been a great help to me at certain points in my life since losing Zachary. Of course, not that I'm advocating that you drink yourself into a vomiting tizzy every night - but drinking became a huge social thing, a relaxation thing, part of way for me to embrace this post-kuKd childfree life. Same with caffeine. I was a fiend for that.

Hang in there.

Sophie said...

I wish I could go back in time and slap that nurse silly.

Thinking of you Anna, hang in there.


angie said...

Yeah, drinking worked for me too. Then it didn't, even though it really did. I agree with you on the arm chair psychoanalysis, we suffer from PTSD--the lot of us suffer. We went through a major trauma, and just wrapping our damn brains around what we saw is enough. And about the boy...he'll be there. If he is worth it, he will stay. With love.

Catherine W said...

Sending you so much love Anna. I'm sorry that Toren was swept away from you too quickly. I think I'll join with Sophie at delivering a virtual slapping.

Meg said...

I will definitely agree with the PMS stuff. The week before my period, I feel like killing myself for real. I have always struggled with those feelings since I was a teen (sexual abuse as a kid) but I've gotten a handle on those feelings. But PMS comes around and I am a freak! I feel desperate and depressed and worthless. Quite a combo! Now, I don't really chart my period on the calendar, I chart my PMS, so that I'll know that how I'm feeling is because of the PMS and just let the feeling pass. I'm not any fun to be with that week. But, then it breaks and I feel better. I hope your guy will understand what's going on and stick by you. If he gives you even minutes of happiness, I hope you can spend as much time with him as possible.
You are trying so hard, Anna, and I hope someday soon it will get easier for you.
Now, as for the wench who ripped Toren out of your arms like that? She better watch her back because there's a bunch of ladies here that would like to teach her a thing or two...

Sara said...

I wish I could give you a big ol' hug.

CLC said...

Wine definitely helped me the first year out. There's only so much pain we can bare, right? Sending you virtual hugs.

Ya Chun said...

Toren's story is so painful.

Don't they have some kind of PMS medicine? I had it s terrible when I lived with my parents, but removing that stress helped a whole lot. [now i am just perfectly pleasant, I am sure ;] Of course, a sprained toe would probably put me over the edge...

Let's focus on the vacay to Greece - that sounds really great.

the other day i tried watching one of the birth shows - just not ready for it. And not knowing you were pregnant - I have KNOWN people like that! It boggles my mind. How can a skinny high school cheerleader gain NO weight and end up with a live baby?!? Jealousy and anger and betrayal roar in me.