"Have you held your own dead child? Has your husband left you? Have you lived through losing your immediate family?"
Sometimes I feel very judged by other people and that is what I want to say to them. Believe me, no one is more frustrated than me at my lack of stellar, or even adequate, performance.
I don't know where my energy went.
I can't find my mind.
My memory and concentration have been so poor for so long that I'm losing confidence in their eventual return.
Can I function like this for the rest of my life? Will this level of distraction and lethargy be enough for me to get by?
It's one of those days where it's best to lay low and only attend meetings where I'm definitely needed.
Yesterday a crying baby was bounced and soothed and paced around the hall outside my office door. Today there are coupons for diapers, baby formula, and gym.bo.ree left on the breakroom table for anyone who needs them. And there are plenty of people around work with babies who will appreciate these thoughtful money savers.
You never see coupons for useful items for deadbaby mamas. Where were the coupons for cabbage leaves and sage tea to dry up milk that flowed for a tiny baby in the morgue? What about the specials for cases of wine and bottles of xanax?
I suspect this extreme bitterness is brought on by P.la.n B. I don't know if it's a normal hormonal side effect or if the problem is more emotional. Next week I'll get a prescription for birth control at my annual doctors visit. Even as I type those words a deep ache settles into my belly and I wonder if I'll be able to say them outloud or if I should bring a written note expressing what I want to my doctor.
"I'm ready for birth control. Please give me the kind that keeps you period-free for 3 months because I want as few reminders as possible that I have functioning reproductive organs that are being unused. Furthermore, is it possible to do the three month thing with the N.uva R.ing so I don't have to be reminded every single day that I'm not getting a rainbow baby of my own?"
It's been almost two years and my arms still ache to hold Toren; my body still begs for a baby.
It's all very overwhelming sometimes. I can accept where my life is on most levels but there is still part that knows nothing other than the need to mother a child.