Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

P.S. thank you Goddess for the great sex!

"Have you held your own dead child? Has your husband left you? Have you lived through losing your immediate family?"

Sometimes I feel very judged by other people and that is what I want to say to them. Believe me, no one is more frustrated than me at my lack of stellar, or even adequate, performance.

I don't know where my energy went.

I can't find my mind.

My memory and concentration have been so poor for so long that I'm losing confidence in their eventual return.

Can I function like this for the rest of my life? Will this level of distraction and lethargy be enough for me to get by?


It's one of those days where it's best to lay low and only attend meetings where I'm definitely needed.

Yesterday a crying baby was bounced and soothed and paced around the hall outside my office door. Today there are coupons for diapers, baby formula, and gym.bo.ree left on the breakroom table for anyone who needs them. And there are plenty of people around work with babies who will appreciate these thoughtful money savers.

You never see coupons for useful items for deadbaby mamas. Where were the coupons for cabbage leaves and sage tea to dry up milk that flowed for a tiny baby in the morgue? What about the specials for cases of wine and bottles of xanax?


I suspect this extreme bitterness is brought on by P.la.n B. I don't know if it's a normal hormonal side effect or if the problem is more emotional. Next week I'll get a prescription for birth control at my annual doctors visit. Even as I type those words a deep ache settles into my belly and I wonder if I'll be able to say them outloud or if I should bring a written note expressing what I want to my doctor.

"I'm ready for birth control. Please give me the kind that keeps you period-free for 3 months because I want as few reminders as possible that I have functioning reproductive organs that are being unused. Furthermore, is it possible to do the three month thing with the N.uva R.ing so I don't have to be reminded every single day that I'm not getting a rainbow baby of my own?"

It's been almost two years and my arms still ache to hold Toren; my body still begs for a baby.

It's all very overwhelming sometimes. I can accept where my life is on most levels but there is still part that knows nothing other than the need to mother a child.


BluebirdSinging said...

The coupons remind me of a sign I saw recently. It was outside a new-age kind of place. I drive past it all the time but have never been inside. After reading the sign, I was tempted to stop in.

The sign read "New Products for Health and Mental Well-Being"

I wanted to stop in and say "my baby died - what do you have for my mental well-being"?

As for the memory and concentration part - I am the same way. Once upon a time I really had my shit together. Now, I am lucky if I remember anything. It scares me because when I eventually find a job I don't want to be fired for being distracted all the time.

I wish there was an easy fix...

Ya Chun said...

Yep, there really isn't a fix for this. I was just talking to a friend yesterday and is back on the pill and has no desire to be either. It's just so unfair and not cool.

And I understand about the concentration/memory. PTSD just sucks.

Have you ever tried yoga? It helps me. Don't have much else....

caitsmom said...

Yes, where are those coupons? ((((hugs))))

Sophie said...

I don't think rainbow babies will totally take away that ache. It's just too deep. :( I wonder sometimes whether it will help me pretend just for a moment that I have her with me... and other times I think it will just make her absence more obvious.

Its all shit. None of it makes us whole or brings them back.

Thinking of Toren, Anna, and you...and your snugglebug... I wish so many things for you... (good sex is a good start!)


KuKd Chick said...

I'm with Ya Chun - I've heard about (and felt!) really similar experiences with going on the pill. It's a double edged sword, that pill. Wishing you good things and some brighter lights to come. And yeah, nothing wrong with good sex to get you going.

CLC said...

I'm sorry. I wish people understood you better. It's very lonely, isn't it? Big hugs.

Anonymous said...

Seems like all the babylost mamas and papas I know are experiencing a heavy heart. Probably because October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day is around the corner. I'm going to light a candle for Toren and remember him. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I'm with you on the xanax. Just took one as a matter of fact. Where are the coupons for those??? You're right!


Zil said...

I hate the coupons in the mail - i've attacked some diaper ones with my sharp, sharp scissors.

And the birth control thing is just another "kick me when I'm down" experience.

On the bright side you are with someone who cares about you very mcuh. And while that will never make your loss better or less significant...it can live in parallel with your memories of Toren.