How the meeting with the guy I'm divorcing went in rank order of how badly the statements hurt.
1. When he talked about when he decided to leave - It was a premeditated decision about our marriage that he made without consulting me. I think the date was November 9, 2008 when during a conversation he was in someone said that, in a relationship, if the bad times outnumber the good times the relationship should end. On the 16th he told me we were "incompatible" and that was the beginning of the end. I actually thought he was planning this for much longer than a week so some of the pain has faded. He never mentioned that he was had decided to divorce; he never gave the option for discussing it.
2. His decision to leave wasn't because of anything I did - So the separation sucker punch wasn't because he was so angry at me that he meant to deliver extra hurt; he just didn't consider me important enough to let me in on his plans of completely changing his life. Like I didn't exist. Like I was merely an outworn accessory to his life - an annoying aspect of himself that he was ready to cut away.
That's what it feels like on my end anyway.
His explanation was that he needed to be happy and apparently "happy" had to be sought elsewhere. It had been an amazingly difficult year with Toren dying and the ex being laid off several months later. It was hell.
He needed to be happy.
NEEDED TO BE HAPPY
I needed to be happy too. He got happier, I got unhappier. He escaped hell by pushing me deeper in. But who cares as long as he got what he wanted when he wanted it.
I didn't do anything wrong... except "be".
3. He said he still wants a family - ow ow ow ow
It was a collision of emotions.
eager anticipation of soul soothing answers
relief that he's doing well
caring for him (yes I gave him $)
But mostly the sense of rejection that quietly, constantly courses through my veins was brought to the surface. Choking rejection.
All of these emotions linger for a marriage and someone I don't want anymore. I don't want to be back with him, but I don't want to be the invisible person who is so easy to leave. I don't want to always remember that I mattered so little to someone who claimed to love me.
Overall, the meeting went really well and although it stirred up bad memories and did not provide a sense of completion I know that closure is coming - it's just something I will work towards alone.
Also, I finally can imagine the sense of freedom that a completed divorce will provide.
Also, as you all know, I'm not in hell anymore. I recovered.