Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

How the meeting with the guy I'm divorcing went in rank order of how badly the statements hurt.

1. When he talked about when he decided to leave - It was a premeditated decision about our marriage that he made without consulting me. I think the date was November 9, 2008 when during a conversation he was in someone said that, in a relationship, if the bad times outnumber the good times the relationship should end. On the 16th he told me we were "incompatible" and that was the beginning of the end. I actually thought he was planning this for much longer than a week so some of the pain has faded. He never mentioned that he was had decided to divorce; he never gave the option for discussing it.


2. His decision to leave wasn't because of anything I did - So the separation sucker punch wasn't because he was so angry at me that he meant to deliver extra hurt; he just didn't consider me important enough to let me in on his plans of completely changing his life. Like I didn't exist. Like I was merely an outworn accessory to his life - an annoying aspect of himself that he was ready to cut away.

That's what it feels like on my end anyway.

His explanation was that he needed to be happy and apparently "happy" had to be sought elsewhere. It had been an amazingly difficult year with Toren dying and the ex being laid off several months later. It was hell.

He needed to be happy.

NEEDED TO BE HAPPY

I needed to be happy too. He got happier, I got unhappier. He escaped hell by pushing me deeper in. But who cares as long as he got what he wanted when he wanted it.


I didn't do anything wrong... except "be".


3. He said he still wants a family - ow ow ow ow


..................................

It was a collision of emotions.
fear
dread
eager anticipation of soul soothing answers
compassion
relief that he's doing well
caring for him (yes I gave him $)
annoyance
anger
But mostly the sense of rejection that quietly, constantly courses through my veins was brought to the surface. Choking rejection.

..................................

All of these emotions linger for a marriage and someone I don't want anymore. I don't want to be back with him, but I don't want to be the invisible person who is so easy to leave. I don't want to always remember that I mattered so little to someone who claimed to love me.

Overall, the meeting went really well and although it stirred up bad memories and did not provide a sense of completion I know that closure is coming - it's just something I will work towards alone.

Also, I finally can imagine the sense of freedom that a completed divorce will provide.

Also, as you all know, I'm not in hell anymore. I recovered.

10 comments:

Meg said...

I'm so glad it went ok. I'm so sorry that he was so self absorbed before. I hope you're doing ok now. I'm SO glad you're not in hell anymore. You are a fighter!

Ya Chun said...

ouchy!

our situations are in no way similar, but I had a long term boyfriend dump me, pretty much like you said - a unilateral decision. I was like, 'what no discussion, you just decided?'

Not much one can do in response to that expect start fresh.

And, in the end, I am really glad I got that chance to start again, cause that's how I met Triple S.

So, when this all gets finalized, you will get your chance.

myskytimes said...

Grrr.... makes me so mad reading this. Sounds so terribly familiar. We all deserve men in our lives that actually talk to us about their feelings and not just run away when they "need to be happy".

We needed to be happy too. And did we run away from the misery to seek happiness somewhere else? No! Because with a dead baby there's no new location that switches "the happy" back on.

I really hope you got some closure out of this and that you'll be able to build a beautiful life without him. A peaceful, honest and respectful life.

*Hug*

Catherine W said...

". . needed to be happy" Gah!

I hope it gave you some peace. As you say, you recovered and hopefully the divorce will bring you that sense of freedom you describe xo

Yaya said...

:(
Ouch. :(


(((Hugs)))

Anonymous said...
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Waiting In Sunshine said...

Hi there,
I am just reading through your blog (via my blog) and I am heartbroken about Torren. I, too, had a 20 week unexplained loss, but I had a D &E. May I ask why you had to deliver and not have a D&E? I just can not, can NOT, imagine that. I am still healing, 9 months out, and I buried a little blanket with his date on it. In fact, this post is the Creme pist (but Mel hasnt gotten to it yet, it's
http://waitinginsunshine.typepad.com/blog/2009/08/today-is-august-15-2009.html

Mayeb it will help, who knows...

I am so sorry about your divorice and stinky DH. STINKY.

Sunshine

Quiet Dreams said...

Thank you so much for the kind comment you left on my blog.

Our situations are different, of course, but I think I really know what you mean about being the invisible person. I am the one who left, physically, though he had checked out of any kind of "love" long before. He is with someone now, I think. I definitely feel like I was erased and she just stepped into my place in his life. It sucks.

I hope for healing for you.

KuKd Chick said...

Ow ow ow is right. Ouch. This just sounds so hurtful. I'm sorry. This converation has a lot of sucker punches, as you suggest. Thinking of you and feeling the ouch.

Zil said...

Suck, just sucks.

You deserve to be happy as well. Please do not think of yourself as invisible. I feel your presence - and it has helped me out of many downward spirals. I hope you find closure - and happiness for the rest of your life.