I had this dream two nights ago that I miscarried - I'm not pregnant! - and I was so sad and woke up dwelling on gravida 3 para 0. Which isn't true. I'm still G2P0
This morning I woke up thinking about Toren's birth. Over two years after that day and the memories of that time are still so near. I remember him all curled up and wet. I wish I could touch him again. I wish I could hold his little, still body again.
How is it possible to want him so much even after all this time?
I'm still productive at work. Still spending time with the snuggle bunny. Still being kind to people and helpful. Still looking forward to a finalized divorce. Still wondering if my attention span and memory capacity prior to dead Toren will ever return. And Toren is still, still. He is still utterly, physically, absent. He is still thought of with love every day.
Dreams and memories make the longing for a baby so prevalent. But what's real is that it's too soon to bring up the baby making topic with the snuggle bunny. What's real is that I'm getting by financially, but just barely. What's real is I still drive a sports car with no back seat for a baby car seat. There is no room for a baby.
I'm getting good at living in the present and accepting that I may never birth a live baby. It's good to be happy again. But I miss having realistic hope that I'll have a child; the dreams and memories are harsh reminders of what I want but am in no position to try for.