Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Things that aren't really real

I had this dream two nights ago that I miscarried - I'm not pregnant! - and I was so sad and woke up dwelling on gravida 3 para 0. Which isn't true. I'm still G2P0

This morning I woke up thinking about Toren's birth. Over two years after that day and the memories of that time are still so near. I remember him all curled up and wet. I wish I could touch him again. I wish I could hold his little, still body again.

How is it possible to want him so much even after all this time?

........

I'm still productive at work. Still spending time with the snuggle bunny. Still being kind to people and helpful. Still looking forward to a finalized divorce. Still wondering if my attention span and memory capacity prior to dead Toren will ever return. And Toren is still, still. He is still utterly, physically, absent. He is still thought of with love every day.

.........

Dreams and memories make the longing for a baby so prevalent. But what's real is that it's too soon to bring up the baby making topic with the snuggle bunny. What's real is that I'm getting by financially, but just barely. What's real is I still drive a sports car with no back seat for a baby car seat. There is no room for a baby.

I'm getting good at living in the present and accepting that I may never birth a live baby. It's good to be happy again. But I miss having realistic hope that I'll have a child; the dreams and memories are harsh reminders of what I want but am in no position to try for.

9 comments:

Sara said...

I think it's great that you're being realistic. I'm keeping hope alive for you birthing a child, just because it souds so entirely possible!

Sophie said...

I hope that one day soon you are in a position to try. I hope one day you have to sell your funky sports car and replace it with a daggy stationwagon... I will hold hope for you Anna. When its time for you to have it back, it'll be here.

xx

Meg said...

It is good to see that you are happy again. No one knows what the future will bring, but the fact that you are ok for now, is awesome. I hope it keeps up.

As for the dream, I had a dream the my husband and I got into a horrible fight and it was so hard to shake when I woke up. I'm sorry you had that dream. I hope you have a sweet dream tonight. :)

Yaya said...

(((hugs)))

caitsmom said...

". But I miss having realistic hope that I'll have a child;" I miss that too. (((((hugs))))

angelseashore said...

As a babylost mama, I've learned to be happy and grieve at the same time. The thought of moving forward and keeping Riley's memory alive are clashing yet harmonious. It's truly a confusing existence. I'm glad that you are happy again. You deserve it!

dreamsofquiet said...

I've had a lot of difficult dreams lately. Yours sounds awful.

Here's to more and more happy days in the midst of working through your grief.

Ya Chun said...

still still.

yes.

Zil said...

Am I the only one who have the whole gestational para stat thing?

I'm a G4P2 - and those two were from the same G.

I know I should feel lucky that I had my twins, but I always feel like barfing when I see that in my records. Yuck!

And you should not feel badly about still feeling an ache in your arms - whether it be two or twenty years after Toren's birth. He's your son. Always will be.