Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Monday, November 22, 2010

Telling someone about Toren has happened twice in the past 6 days, which is very weird because it is not easy to work a deadbaby into a conversation, as you all well know.  I didn't ever use his name; most people do not ask about his name.

Today I found out that the person I told last week is pregnant with her second baby.  Why do I feel like an idiot for telling her something so personal now that I know that she knew that she was pregnant at the time?  I hope it didn't scare her.  But also, a moment where I may have "connected" with someone doesn't seem that way at all anymore since she is carrying life while I'm a bearer of death.  Opposites.  One is clearly inferior.


The plan for today was to happily tell you that the papers for my divorce were filed, but DH (Damn Husband, in this case) flaked out again.  This shouldn't have been a surprise or a disappointment, but it was both.  I contacted him last week to prod him along and promptly got sick and spent 2.5 days in bed.  I often get sick after contacting him.  Illness brought on by exposure to Agent Ex.  And the funny thing is I was almost at the point where I felt mostly compassion towards him and I was working on kind of the last emotional barrier which was being able to wish a happy life for him.  I could feel not-anger towards him, but I still wanted to be happier than he is, but it would be so freeing to wish blessings on him just like he were a normal person, you know?  But now I'm just super annoyed and I do not feel fondly towards him AT ALL right now.

And for anyone who is struggling with ewwwy feelings towards their ex don't feel like you have to feel compassion towards the jerk, I got close only by the grace of Cym.ba.lta.


jill said...

Oh I've been struggling with "ewwwy" feelings for my ex husband for about 10 years now. Bleh.

I hope you get the papers filed soon. Having the divorce finalized was weirdly freeing for me even though we had been living apart for over a year by that time.

cgd said...

hoping things are finalized for you very soon....

Kristin said...

I really hope he gets his ass in gear and files the paperwork soon.

Sophie said...

what a pain in the ass. I hope you get it sorted soon.

Ya Chun said...

Maybe it will end up being a connection anyway. She is no different than you - you both have baby potential at this point (she may be just a bit ahead in the timeline at this exact moment)

Agent Ex. If it weren't so frustrating, I would tell you that i was LMAO on that one. It's good to see you handling this with some humor. And I love that you 'still want to be happier than him'. I think you will be. Maybe you already are.

Hope the papers go thru soon.

Quiet Dreams said...

I am so far from feeling compassion for my ex...I can't even come up with a good analogy.

And I DEFINITELY understand wanting to be "happier than him." "Healthier than him" is not enough, but it may just be what I am allotted.

Liz said...

A friend of mine had his wife leave him not even a year into their marriage. It was a really terrible thing that happened and incredibly inexplicable.

His friends have a really hard time mustering up any compassion for her, given how this all played out.

And given your situation with your ex, I don't blame you one bit for not having any compassion for him at the moment.

(Also, hi!!! Sorry I have been MIA for awhile.)

Jessica said...

Ahh yes I too was on Cym.ba.lta a time ago. It was helpful stuff. I just wanted to let you know that last month I sent you a card and a small gift (to your address on the BLM Penpal page) and it was returned saying it could not be delivered with no forwarding address.
I would love to send it to you again if you could email me at