Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Monday, November 1, 2010

Going with the flow of grief has meant pretty much ignoring Halloween this year.  The weather was beautiful all weekend; not fall like at all.  I woke up a little sad on Saturday and decided to spend the day doing pleasant things.  I dressed warmly and wore comfortable underwear :) and went to my favorite garden store to see their plants and cute garden decorations.  Then I indulged in a pumpkin spice latte (yum!) and went to another favorite garden store and spent about an hour walking among the plants, dreaming and planning.  I left with 2 flats of pansies and viola's, and two paperwhite bulbs for forcing. 

On Sunday morning, the third anniversary of Toren's fatal diagnosis, mowing the lawn sounded more appealing than sitting down to reflect or write.  Noise, being active, and the smell of the outdoors felt right.  The mower was sluggish and after a few minutes it stopped cutting grass but even that didn't trigger frustrated tears, instead I took the mower apart and FIXED IT!  Seriously.  I fixed the lawn mower, then finished mowing the lawn, then raked up the left over leaves, then pulled weeds, planted a bed of flowers and put down a layer of pine bark.  (Ok, technically, there was nothing actually broken but the mower didn't work then I cleaned out the insides, inspected the motor, took apart the blade/spinny part, cleaned it all, sprayed on some WD-40 and screwed it all back on tight, and then it worked!)


Then I discovered that the dryer was not heating and this was too overwhelming so I watched TV and took a nap. 

******
A rant on not having enough income:

In the past few weeks things have been falling apart at a faster speed than usual.  The microwave has broken and needs a professional repair person, which I can't afford right now so I'm borrowing a countertop microwave.  I can't afford to fix the microwave for a very sad reason.  Sasha kitty was missing for a week and after a vet visit (that I borrowed $ for) she has been diagnosed FIV+.  I'm still looking for all of her health records (where on earth did I put them?!) because cats that are vaccinated against FIV will test positive and I cannot remember if she was vaccinated years ago.  She has had a cold for over a week and has been lethargic and grumpy and I'm so worried about her and I'm so PISSED OFF that I can't afford to take her to the vet whenever she sneezes.  In two weeks Sammy kitty will get tested.

That the car is leaking antifreeze and smells like it has a fuel leak is way down on the list.  Oh yeah, then there's the huge tree that died this year and still needs to be removed.

But you know, all you can do is keep doing your best and hope that things will improve.

*****

So all of that was on my mind as I searched for the right socket to remove the back panel of the dryer and I cleaned out the lint tube and the part where it exits the house and still no heat and then I could not figure out how to get the heating element out to inspect it and my dryer is 30 years old so there's not an instructional video on-line with the exact configuration of the heating element stuff.  So I had a glass of wine, and then another, and then another, and then my friends came over and we drank and smoked and laughed.  Thank the Heaven's for good friends!

SnuggleBunny took over the dryer project today and removed the heating element (it is broken - problem diagnosed!) and while we can't find a replacement in town, I ordered a new one, which should arrive in 2-5 days.  Assuming this fixes the problem, the dryer will be repaired for less than $40, which is awesome!

*****

So many things to think about to distract from dead babies.

9 comments:

Jessica said...

If only people knew such simple things provided distractions for us I think they would appreciate the blessings they have! Thinking of you... <3

Kristin said...

I'm so sorry this is such a tough time.

On another topic, I can solve the drier not heating issue. If you buy a simple volt meter for about $12, you can test the point at which the power cord attaches to the drier. If it is below 220+, the power cord is badand needs to be replaced. A bad power cord will give the drier enough power to run but not to heat. If it reads 220+, you are getting the proper amount of power there and the problem is in the heating element. Replacing a heating element is not technically hard but is a pain in the ass if you don't have the right tools. You can find the complete instructions online (can you tell we've done this recently?) The parts will be less than $100 and an experienced person can do it in less than one hour.

{{{{Hugs}}}} and I'm thinking of you.

Kakunaa said...

I understand the money issues sweetie. Hang in there and attack one thing at a time. When you can. I am glad you were able to keep yourself distracted. HUGS.

Beautiful Mess said...

Distractions are the key focus around here too! I'm awfully impressed that you mowed the lawn AND fixed the mower, high five to you!

Sending you lots of love, sweetie.
*HUGS*

Sophie said...

My dryer is fooked too. Probably the same problem but MY snugglebunny is too hopeless to even attempt to fix it... Yours gets big snaps for being awesome!

Very impressed with the lawnmowing and fixer-uperring too!

xx

BluebirdSinging said...

Very impressive! I love to tinker and try and fix things too - I even have my own toolbox and drill. It's fun, and yes, a distraction...

Jenn said...

It sounds cheesy, it is cheesy, but you go girl! Fixing the lawn mower, attempting a fix to the dryer, that's awesome!

And yes, all you can do is keep doing your best and hope things will improve. I'm here, hoping with you.

Quiet Dreams said...

I DEFINITELY understand the money problems. Fortunately, I do not live in my own house, so I am not responsible for repairs. Unfortunately, being able to afford to live in my own house seems more like a fantasy than a dream.

I hope your kitty is ok.

Catherine W said...

I love the sound of those pansies and violas.

I am extremely impressed that you fixed the lawn mower! Good for you.

I'm sorry to hear about Sasha, I hope that it is just a positive from the vaccine.