Going with the flow of grief has meant pretty much ignoring Halloween this year.  The weather was beautiful all weekend; not fall like at all.  I woke up a little sad on Saturday and decided to spend the day doing pleasant things.  I dressed warmly and wore comfortable underwear :) and went to my favorite garden store to see their plants and cute garden decorations.  Then I indulged in a pumpkin spice latte (yum!) and went to another favorite garden store and spent about an hour walking among the plants, dreaming and planning.  I left with 2 flats of pansies and viola's, and two paperwhite bulbs for forcing. 

On Sunday morning, the third anniversary of Toren's fatal diagnosis, mowing the lawn sounded more appealing than sitting down to reflect or write.  Noise, being active, and the smell of the outdoors felt right.  The mower was sluggish and after a few minutes it stopped cutting grass but even that didn't trigger frustrated tears, instead I took the mower apart and FIXED IT!  Seriously.  I fixed the lawn mower, then finished mowing the lawn, then raked up the left over leaves, then pulled weeds, planted a bed of flowers and put down a layer of pine bark.  (Ok, technically, there was nothing actually broken but the mower didn't work then I cleaned out the insides, inspected the motor, took apart the blade/spinny part, cleaned it all, sprayed on some WD-40 and screwed it all back on tight, and then it worked!)


Then I discovered that the dryer was not heating and this was too overwhelming so I watched TV and took a nap. 

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A rant on not having enough income:

In the past few weeks things have been falling apart at a faster speed than usual.  The microwave has broken and needs a professional repair person, which I can't afford right now so I'm borrowing a countertop microwave.  I can't afford to fix the microwave for a very sad reason.  Sasha kitty was missing for a week and after a vet visit (that I borrowed $ for) she has been diagnosed FIV+.  I'm still looking for all of her health records (where on earth did I put them?!) because cats that are vaccinated against FIV will test positive and I cannot remember if she was vaccinated years ago.  She has had a cold for over a week and has been lethargic and grumpy and I'm so worried about her and I'm so PISSED OFF that I can't afford to take her to the vet whenever she sneezes.  In two weeks Sammy kitty will get tested.

That the car is leaking antifreeze and smells like it has a fuel leak is way down on the list.  Oh yeah, then there's the huge tree that died this year and still needs to be removed.

But you know, all you can do is keep doing your best and hope that things will improve.

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So all of that was on my mind as I searched for the right socket to remove the back panel of the dryer and I cleaned out the lint tube and the part where it exits the house and still no heat and then I could not figure out how to get the heating element out to inspect it and my dryer is 30 years old so there's not an instructional video on-line with the exact configuration of the heating element stuff.  So I had a glass of wine, and then another, and then another, and then my friends came over and we drank and smoked and laughed.  Thank the Heaven's for good friends!

SnuggleBunny took over the dryer project today and removed the heating element (it is broken - problem diagnosed!) and while we can't find a replacement in town, I ordered a new one, which should arrive in 2-5 days.  Assuming this fixes the problem, the dryer will be repaired for less than $40, which is awesome!

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So many things to think about to distract from dead babies.