Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Yesterday was my son's birthday/deathday.  It's getting easier to not fall apart even though my heart still aches for him.  It was a very personal day for me since everyone here besides my mom forgot about it, but that's ok, it was nice to have the space.  I slept in at Snugglebunny's place, then went out for some breakfast and to buy a new scarf at Wh.ole Fo.ods (extra-long, organic cotton for $10).  Then home to pick up my camera and get directions to places that sounded nice to visit.

First stop, cemetery #1 where there is a nice section for babies and the two memorial bricks I'd ordered had been recently placed in the walkway.  It wasn't as peaceful as imagined since the bricks were not placed next to each other as requested, even though there's plenty of space for that to happen.  It was surprising how upsetting that was.  I forgot to take photos of the bricks and vowed to place the extra bricks ordered for my garden next to each other.

Second stop, bookstore to purchase a copy of The Bhagavad Gita since I think it's time to get serious about spirituality.

Third stop, decided to skip some errands, picked up lunch and went back home for a bit.

Then in the evening I went to the cemetery where Toren's ashes are buried.  I placed a memorial brick there (I ordered A LOT) and missed him.


It was a good day.


For a long time I just wanted Toren and wasn't entirely interested in a different baby.  I don't know if it's all of the pregnancy announcements lately, the photos of my sister's son, or just getting through a bunch of grief, but some random child would be good now.  Some random child as in a rainbow baby of my own, not someone else's kid, because I know that may sound a little weird.  But I mean a new one that I don't feel is my own yet.  A mystery being.


Snugglebunny should move in by Christmas and if living together goes well we'll try for a baby.  I've been in a funk though for a few days and am kind of not excited about living with him right now.  This is another huge reason for searching for a spiritual practice that resonates with me so I will calm the fuck down and not screw up another relationship.  I feel a little claustrophobic and when I try to get a little space SB becomes more affectionate (kind of clingy).  I don't know why I do that.  We even had a little fight :(


Anyway, I have loved reading all of your opinionated comments lately!  Many, many thanks for sharing in the distractions!


Jessica said...

Sorry they didn't place the bricks together - that would upset me too! I hope that the day went ok it sounds like it did. (((hugs)))

cgd said...

Thinking of you and baby Toren and holding both in my heart.

Bree said...

Sending love to you and Toren. xo

Jenn said...

Yes, the bricks not being together would have upset me, too. Thinking of you and Toren and praying for much future happiness for you.

Lisette said...

Oh that sucks that the bricks aren't placed together as you requested, that would have upset me too.
Thinking of you and Toren.
I really do hope your relationship works out. ((HUGS))

Catherine W said...

I'm glad you had a peaceful day in the main. I'm sorry about the memorial bricks being placed separately and I do hope that you will be able to get them moved.

I hope that Snugglebunny moving in goes really well and that you have a happy future together. Sorry that you are having to deal with the mixture of claustrophobia and clinginess but I'm sure you and SB will work it out.

Thinking of you and remembering your beautiful son, Toren. C xo

Reba said...

i would have been so upset about the bricks.

don't worry, little fights are normal and good parts of a strong relationship. that's awesome SB is moving in.

thinking of you and toren.

Kakunaa said...

It sounds like you had a remembrance day that went overall pretty well. The bricks sound interesting, and fantastic as a way to memorialize. Take some time to breathe. If he is meant to move in, he will. Get through this rough time first. HUGS.

brianna said...

I'm sorry that you are marking another year without Toren. I am happy for you that it was a peaceful day in so far as these anniversaries can be peaceful.

I am wishing you lots of luck and love in this new part of your life. Maybe you will find as the day draws nearer that you begin to feel more excitement about him moving in with you.

Quiet Dreams said...

It feels like any words I would say would just be wrong. Holding you close and wishing you peace.

Kristin said...

Thinking of you and Toren. Praying for you to find peace of mind.

Sophie said...

Belated birthday wishes to your beautiful Toren. I am so sorry he isn't with you.

I really hope things go well with SB and that your dream of a rainbow comes very quickly.

Fights can be healthy if they are managed well. Never go to bed angry, hit him with a pillow if you must because a man will always pretend everything is okay until you say otherwise.

I hope you find a way to get your 'space', thats very important. It's sweet though that he is trying to reassure you. Wishing you peace, love, sunshine and rainbows...


Sophie said...

Do you have any pics of the memorial bricks? I don't think I've seen them before.

CLC said...

Sorry to have missed this date, but thinking of you and Toren now. I don't think your maternity leave plan is a bad one either(I am reading backwards). You deserve to hold a living baby for as long as you would like.