Yesterday was my son's birthday/deathday. It's getting easier to not fall apart even though my heart still aches for him. It was a very personal day for me since everyone here besides my mom forgot about it, but that's ok, it was nice to have the space. I slept in at Snugglebunny's place, then went out for some breakfast and to buy a new scarf at Wh.ole Fo.ods (extra-long, organic cotton for $10). Then home to pick up my camera and get directions to places that sounded nice to visit.
First stop, cemetery #1 where there is a nice section for babies and the two memorial bricks I'd ordered had been recently placed in the walkway. It wasn't as peaceful as imagined since the bricks were not placed next to each other as requested, even though there's plenty of space for that to happen. It was surprising how upsetting that was. I forgot to take photos of the bricks and vowed to place the extra bricks ordered for my garden next to each other.
Second stop, bookstore to purchase a copy of The Bhagavad Gita since I think it's time to get serious about spirituality.
Third stop, decided to skip some errands, picked up lunch and went back home for a bit.
Then in the evening I went to the cemetery where Toren's ashes are buried. I placed a memorial brick there (I ordered A LOT) and missed him.
It was a good day.
For a long time I just wanted Toren and wasn't entirely interested in a different baby. I don't know if it's all of the pregnancy announcements lately, the photos of my sister's son, or just getting through a bunch of grief, but some random child would be good now. Some random child as in a rainbow baby of my own, not someone else's kid, because I know that may sound a little weird. But I mean a new one that I don't feel is my own yet. A mystery being.
Snugglebunny should move in by Christmas and if living together goes well we'll try for a baby. I've been in a funk though for a few days and am kind of not excited about living with him right now. This is another huge reason for searching for a spiritual practice that resonates with me so I will calm the fuck down and not screw up another relationship. I feel a little claustrophobic and when I try to get a little space SB becomes more affectionate (kind of clingy). I don't know why I do that. We even had a little fight :(
Anyway, I have loved reading all of your opinionated comments lately! Many, many thanks for sharing in the distractions!