This is purely a rant, hopefully organized thoughts and a plan for that subsequent life will follow soon.
Work is very demanding on a normal day but this week is incredibly stressful. Today and tomorrow accepted applicants are visiting and I need to help convince them that this is the school they want to attend. That means there is no room for feeling sad about my life.
Before I left for work this morning my husband says he has several offers for a place to stay and wants to know when I'll be able to rent out a room because he doesn't want to leave me high and dry. HA! I'm afraid that is unavoidable! So then I cry, privately, for a bit because instead of deciding that he loves me he is actually going to leave.
Once at work I am determined to focus on the task at hand then hear the news that a co-worker had her baby early (baby is fine).
So let's see how the day is shaping up - my life is falling apart more, other people lives are changing in wonderful ways. And the day is not half over.
After I take care of other peoples needs for the next two days (mind you, this is all because I am covering for a coworker on maternity leave), then it's Toren's "Would Have Been One" day and according to the forecast rain may alter my plans to eat a cupcake in the cemetery and release some balloons. But now, instead of having plenty of quiet time this weekend (when I'm not doing left over work), I'll be preparing for a renter.
I was able to get an appointment with my therapist for this afternoon so I will be able to get some of these feeling out and work on some ideas for moving forward from here. This whole situation just sucks!
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On another note, I have a problem with the idea of "being strong". I interpret that as tending to the needs of others, your job, and your responsibilities while keeping a placid appearance. I guess it would be impossible to do all of those things while expressing a breakdown though. Why isn't it called "living a lie", or "locking away your emotions", or "pretending to be someone else"? I hate it when people say how strong I am when all I'm doing is displaying a terrific facade. Not to discount the effort that putting on such a show takes, and I am proud that I can look like all is well when I need to, it just doesn't sound like the compliment it is supposed to be.
My interpretation is probably off (same as with "forgiveness"), what does "being strong" mean to you?
5 comments:
To me, being strong (in our situation) means 1) getting out of bed every day, 2) not killing yourself, and if you want to be a REAL hero, 3) paying bills, grocery shopping, and keeping your pets fed.
I totally understand about "living a lie," "locking away your emotions," and "pretending to be someone else," though. Those are perfect descriptions.
I wholeheartedly agree with sara's definition of strength. It's all relative. Carrying on every day is a great display of strength. Keep it up!
Personally 'being strong' is about just getting through the day and still being here.
When other people use it to describe me I always feel anger or resentment. They don't know what they are talking about. They act as though you're being heroic and saintly when you're really just doing the only thing you can.
When Jordan was alive, I found it offensive actually. I had no choice but to do and be what I was. By calling me strong they implied that there was another option for me and I just didn't see one.
I can maybe offer some insight into why someone who's not babylost might say that. I'm sure I've said it myself, actually. What it is for me, is that I can't even imagine how painful loosing a child is, and to see you even get out of bed and "function" is amazing. It conjours the image of 'strength'. Many people who comment on how strong you are probably don't know how bad you are still feeling. Even just 'living the lie' takes what I would call strength. Some people would crumble. I worry that I am one of those people.
Although it's offensive, it certainly isn't being said to be offensive. It's good to know now that it's not the compliment we think it is.
Sometimes I wonder how we all get up out of bed every morning.
I agree with Sara's definition too!
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