Much better

Whew, was I ever pissed last night.  Today is much better mood swing wise; the rant and the brownies worked!  Do you think it's possible to internally dissolve anger or does it have to be released?  Exercise and talking or writing about it help me, but is there a way to just think anger away?

Tonight, box office ticket availability willing, I'm seeing one of my favorite bands and SnuggleBunny is coming with me!  The ex didn't come with me when I saw them a few years ago, not that I need company all of the time but it makes me feel happy that SB is willing to sit through a band that he isn't very familiar with just because I want to go to the concert.

Other good things (to make up for yesterday's ultra grumpy post):

• Work is going well today.

• Lots of kitty snuggles last night.

• Products of recent on-line shopping trips are on their way, including the Clarisonic Plus, which I am convinced will completely change my life!

Not losing it

My health goals for this week are to not lose patience with anyone to their face and to avoid alcohol because it is contributing to my depression.  Losing patience will make me very un-proud of my behavior so this is a positive self-esteem goal, which is an important part of overall health.  I've been going to the gym to burn off stress!

Obstacles (aka Oh fuck me)
1.  Menstrual period approacheth = hormones and the disappointment of not having a birth control failure.  What a mental mind fuck to be so divided in purpose.  On one hand (the rational one) the time for ttc is not quite here, on the other hand I'm tired of being stuck "here".  "Here" is where you watch others building their families while you wait and wait and wait and wonder if your turn already came and went.  Remember that the joy that others experience does not lessen one's own joy? ... why is this so non-intuitive?  Why do I have to repeat this over and over to remind myself that I'm happy too?  Weapon of choice: a pack of gluten-free brownies

2.  Mental health professionals are annoying.  Remember when I was really upset and my therapists seemingly random advice was to set boundaries?  That still is not making me feel any better and come to think of it, I'm really sucking at establishing boundaries.  Then yesterday I saw my psychiatrist to see if the meds were leading to mental check outs and the absence of org.asms.  She interpreted the problem as a change in the generic manufacturer of the pills.  I said that I thought there was no change but she wrote me a prescription anyway (with a note to give me the "right" one) and said to come back in if this doesn't fix the problem.  Guess what!  The new prescription is for the the exact same thing that I've been taking.  It is not cool that I have to pay for another visit now. Weapon of choice: Practice setting boundaries by seeing if the prescription issue can be resolved through e-mail.

3.  Lack of orga.ms.  Oh fuck me ... but it doesn't seem to do any good...

4.  Things are definitely strained now that the colleague I work closest with is pregnant with her second baby.  I listen sympathetically to her plight of vomiting everyday because it is polite but come on and return the effort lady!  I took a sick day on Friday because my calendar was clear and I was feeling very stressed from not sleeping well for the past couple of weeks; here was our exchange on Monday:

Her:  Are you feeling better?
Me: Yes, I was just very tired from not sleeping well for the past ... (I was still talking)
Her:  I left after being here an hour.  I threw up all day, I don't know if it was from the baby or the sinus infection.
Me:  That sucks.  Are you feeling better?  You sound better.
Her:  Yes.  You know klono.pin makes people very tired.  I've taken it as a sleep aid.
Me:  One of my friends does that too.
Her:  So if you are not having an anxiety attack and take it it could make you tired.
Me:  uh?
Her:  If you are already feeling calm and take your clonaz.epam it may make you feel tired.
Me:  But the problem is I haven't been sleeping.
Her:  Oh.  How was the play last night?

Do you ever feel like you are not being heard at all?

BTW I've been taking a couple of clona.zepam a day, as prescribed, for daily anxiety attacks which started several weeks ago, about the time of her pregnancy announcement.  Yes, I think that it makes me less energetic during the day but I don't nap on most weekdays and still go to work and then go to the gym or see  friends or do errands at night.  I'm not skipping work because I'm taking clona.zepam!

She's finding out the sex of the baby on Thursday.  I was so excited for Toren's anatomy ultrasound until learning that vital parts of the baby's anatomy could be completely missing and you learn that your baby is going to die which kind of distracts from the big reveal of the gender.  She thinks it is a girl.  And this makes me almost lose it because she already has a baby boy while mine died and now she will get a daughter too?!  This makes my head spin for some reason.
.......

I will not lose patience in public... I will not lose patience in public... I will not lose patience in public
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Um, sorry for the huge, hormone induced rant.  Overall, life is better than I made it sound here and I feel better getting all of that out.  I'm going to get comfortable in bed with my brownies and wish for some sound sleep.

What are your health goals for this week?

Rewriting the story

I listen to self-help, meditation, and positive affirmation podcasts all night.  This has been going on for over a year.  After my husband moved out I would turn the TV on immediately upon arriving home and it would often stay on all night on low volume.  One time I woke up to a crime show and realized that something more soothing going on in the background would be a good idea.

Music doesn't help me sleep.  During the frequent nightly awakenings hearing voices helps - I get up to pee, just in case that was what woke me up (but most of the time a cat or dog is the culprit), then listen to the speaking until I fall back asleep.  When it's dark and I'm tired it's too easy to remember the sad things and slip into nightmares or stay awake all night without the gentle voices to distract me into sleep.

Anyway, last night I was listening to a new favorite podcast "Why Shamanism now?" and one topic was "rewrite the story".  This morning I woke up thinking "rewrite your story!".  The idea is not new (I've written about it before) but it was explained in a way that made it more attainable.  Bear with me as I explain this because I heard this in the space between wake and sleep.  Life changing losses are so intense they can be all consuming...hmmm...like, sometimes that's all you can deal with and it is appropriate to be right there wading through your muddy, sticky grief, but it's not appropriate to stay there permanently.

During the early afternoon of October 31, 2007 the news that my son would die sucked the breath out of me and during those hours where what was expected to be a normal prenatal visit turned into an immediate appointment for a level II ultrasound and consultation with a perinatologist and the findings turned worse and worse until we were back in my OB's office discussing what to do next.  The story I was working on took such a dramatic change that it's like a new book had to start.  The story where I was in love and loved and joyfully waiting for my son stopped abruptly. The story of being admitted to the hospital, inducing labor for a pregnancy that I wanted, holding my dead son, then the years of grief could not be combined with the story of happily expecting a baby.

Then there's the story of my husband leaving for greener pastures where grief did not exist, that overlaps with the story of becoming adjusted to deadbaby motherhood.

Dead son.  Husband can't stand me.  These are all consuming stories and for a long while it was not possible to be in any other story.  But it's been almost 3 years since Toren died and going on 2 years since my husband left.  If I let the stories of loss drift to the background what is here?  Well, surprisingly I'm still standing.  There were so many times when I thought I could not live through the pain of so much loss.  It seemed impossible that the heart that ached so much could continue it's rhythmic beating.  How is it possible that this body that screamed in rage and sorrow did not just crumble to dust?  It must have been held together by all the wine ;)

But seriously, to get through that took hours and hours of therapy, lots of antidepressants, patient friends, and then re-finding love.  The turning point from total grief to some relief took years.  And apparently a lot of rambling.

Those stories of loss are in the past, and they are incredibly important parts of my past so I'm not wishing them away, but it's time to start honoring the current story.  The rough draft goes something like this:

• I am safe.  For the first time that I can remember there is no one controlling me in negative ways.  There is no one physically near me with the desire, and the balls, to pursue their own interests with no thought given to how their actions would affect me.
• I am in love.  Cautious love but it is beautiful just the same.
• There is potential for a great career.
• There is potential for a family.

I guess it's not so much rewriting the story as tapering off adding chapters to the stories of a failed pregnancy and a failed marriage and instead spending more energy on exploring this new story. 

.....

I hope that makes at least a little bit of sense.  It's exciting.

Wishing you all lovely stories.

I woke up heartbroken today, which isn't all that unusual but I explored it to see if acknowledging the problem behind the ache would make it go away.  It didn't but perhaps more time is needed.  Babylost land is a lonely, lonely place.  I don't think I can say it enough.  Lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely...

Thankfully there is this virtual oasis but some days I could just use an actual hug and a sincere "how are you doing?" and have it be ok when I don't say "great!", "fine", "good".  I'm not doing good today but there's no time to let the wall holding it all back to come down.  There are e-mails to respond to and piles of other important things that really look like bullshit when compared to feeling so alone.  How many other people in this building are feeling similarly?  How would we ever find each other when we are all doing "good"?

I'm seeing my psychiatrist next week but what if all of the medication adjustments in the world can't really cure this persistent depression?  What if all the pills can do is make it look more believable when I say that I'm "fine"?  It's so silly how this bout started: last week on the phone my Mom didn't ask me how my knee was.  She has a lot of worries right now and rationally I know that my fractured knee was not important enough to be on her radar.  But it triggered some stupid abandonment issues and over the week the feelings of being forgotten grew.  Last night I saw photos from my sister's baby shower that I didn't know she was having.  I'm not close to my family, physically or in any other way so it should not be a surprise - it's still choking though.  It's like, your baby dies and makes everyone terribly uncomfortable then you sink into a deep hole (that may or may not be filled with cases of wine) and while you grieve and are not making enough efforts to keep in contact with people you become forgotten so by the time you crawl out of that hole everyone has moved on and is used to not hearing from you.

For the millionth time I wonder, why aren't I doing as well as people expect me to be?  Why do I still miss the baby that is just a very distant memory for most people around me?

I'm actually feeling more stable than it sounds above, the long path out of depression has me worn out right now.

.....

Last week was a very low energy, long work day week and I didn't do well on my health goals.  But when our goals are not met we just appreciate ourselves for at least trying, dust off, and try again.  My health goals for this week are going to be free form.  I will do at least one healthy thing everyday and keep a log of them off to the right sidebar.

Today is a new day.  If you did great with your goals from last week please share your successes!  If you did not so great that's ok, you are still a good person.

Please feel free to share your goals in a comment or write a post about them and leave a link to your blog.

Health goals week 2

So how did you all do with your goals for last week?  Angelseashore is taking a wonderful holistic approach by making goals for her body, mind, and soul - definitely take a look at her blog for inspiration on caring for your whole self.

I did awesome with my goals to eat a low carb breakfast and to only drink during social occasions - however I attended 4 social occasions so it turned out that I consumed alcohol on more days than I didn't (two drinks max each time).  Since isolating has become somewhat of a habit, it's sort of amazing that I went out with friends 4 times last week, thus making mild, but frequent alcohol consumption not such a bad thing in my book. 

Where exercising was concerned, those goals did not turn out so well but instead of hating myself for being so lazy I'm going to make my exercising goals for this week less demanding.  I tried out water aerobics for the first time last week and it was so fun!  If you have ever entertained the thought of attending a class I cannot encourage it enough!  It has been in the upper 90's/low 100's here and cooling off in the pool for an hour has felt so good and this is a safe way to regain strength and flexibility in my knee that was fractured 10 weeks ago.

We did this in class

 kidding!
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Goals for this week
1.  go to water aerobics!
2.  practice grounding exercises daily
3.  practice yoga at least once

Easy goals for this week since things are kind of rough lately.  The grounding exercises are difficult though - it's been a struggle to stay present and last Friday I had a wake up call that made me realize that I still dissociate more than I thought.  Perhaps more on this once I can confront the feelings of humiliation more comfortably.
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What can you do to be healthy this week?  Please feel free to share your list in a comment or write a post about it and use the linky thing so we can see what you are up to.

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Once upon a time I was about 12 weeks pregnant and was already anticipating feeling weighed down so I planned to take water aerobics classes, as soon as I stopped throwing up all of the time.  I found a cute one-piece, full coverage swim suit with ruching down the sides so the middle had room for an expanding belly.  A good intermediate between a bikini and a maternity swim suit.  At 13 weeks the big bleed occurred and light bleeding continued for 5 more weeks.  I never got to wear that swim suit to water aerobics.

Almost 3 years later and it's been long enough now that I could secretly smile and feel happy to finally be wearing that swim suit to water aerobics.

Health goals for this week

I married the guy who walked out on me back in November 2008, 13 years ago.  No complicated feelings, just the thought that I really need to get this divorce over with.  It sure would be nice if he would respond to my e-mails about settlement details.

The whole thing is ewwwy, so enough about that.  Here are my health goals for this week:

1.  Have eggs and decaf coffee for breakfast Monday - Friday.  No carbs or cheese.
2.  Exercise for an hour every day.  Any sort of exercise is fine since it was just last week that my kneecap was determined to be healed and I was released from physical therapy.  I plan to get back on the elliptical tonight after 9 weeks of waiting for that bone to heal well.
3.  Do the pilates video once and do 3 yoga practices.
4.  Only consume alcohol at social gatherings - no drinking at home alone.

That's enough for the first week of healthy goal setting.  What health goals do you have for this week?  With so many stages to grief work it is so important to set goals that are appropriate for where you are.  Earlier this year my goals were to go to the gym and change into my workout clothes and if I wanted to go home right away I could but once I was there and dressed I always wanted to exercise for at least a bit. 

Any goals from getting out of bed to shower and put on clean pajamas before returning to sob under the covers, to serious physical training, to finding a therapist, to expressing yourself through art, and everything in between are appropriate.  What can you do this week to take good care of yourself?

I'll post a linky thing every week for a while to see if this is interesting to people.  If you are interested in participating in healthy behavior please join in!

How does a babylost mama mother?

The women around me who are newly pregnant with their second children really have me on edge lately.  Now, I know that I don't have to discuss babies, or pregnancy with them and it's ok to even avoid them entirely, but the levels of poor self-worth and the number of self-judgments are getting out of control.

I'm reading about mudita which is the ability to be truly happy for the good things that happen to other people and I'll write more about it soon because it is good stuff, but the point that sticks with me most right now is this:


The happiness and joy that others experience does not lessen the happiness and joy that I experience.

There is not a limited amount of joy that all inhabitants of the world must share; joy is not a resource that we have to compete for.

.....

I was walking behind someone who I suspect is pregnant with her second baby, kind of critiquing her outfit (short skirt with tennis shoes), then wondering how she has such muscular calves when she has a child under 2.  And that is how quickly self-judgments happen!  She has a beautiful family and shapely legs while I have no family and am struggling with my weight.  I made myself feel inadequate by comparing my life to hers - she did nothing!

Then I remembered "her joy does not diminish my joy", and that really did make me feel better :)

Then the train of thought jumped to thinking about what it would be like to mother a child and then I remembered that because I had a son I am a mother, but the action of mothering a missing baby is very different than caring for a living child.

What does a babylost mama do to mother her missing baby?  Are there any tangible mothering activities?

Here's what I do:
1.  I raise money and walk in the March for Babies.  This is something that I do to remind people that Toren existed, raise awareness that sometimes - too many times - pregnancies do not end with a new member of the family, and to help prevent future parents from bringing home a memory box instead of a live baby.

2.  I let Toren know he is loved.  Ok, this isn't so tangible.  I don't know what happens after death.  Heaven?, reincarnation?, nothing? - this is just a question that is too big for me, but I know what personal mix of these gives me comfort so that is what I go with.  Anyway, believing that Toren's soul is out there somewhere I let him know that he is dearly loved.  I don't know where his soul was before he came to me and I don't know where he went to or where his journey will take him.  Living can be so hard sometimes - there are people who are not loved and treasured as much as we all deserve.  Whatever path Toren's soul takes, at least for his time here on Earth with me he was loved unconditionally, and he is deeply loved still, and he will be treasured as my dear son forever.  Perhaps it means something.

That's all I've thought of so far.

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How do you mother your lost baby or babies?