Space

Years ago I read a magazine article that talked about creating space in your life for the things you want. For instance, say your winter coat is old and needs replacing but you keep wearing it on cold days because you haven't seriously searched for a new coat, and you haven't looked for a new coat because you still have the old coat. And you can't give away the old coat until you have a replacement, right? The article suggested getting rid of the old coat first because that creates space in your closet and life for something new.

For 21 months I've maintained heart-space and house-space for Toren. He will have his heart-space with me until the end of time but his house-space is gone. The almost-nursery is no longer waiting for the boy who can't come home.

Surprisingly, it's comforting to see the boxes that housemate L has already brought over stacked against the wall that never framed a crib. It's a relief that the space is no longer waiting to be filled.

On Saturday L and C move in. Fingers crossed that this will be a very positive change.

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I'm doing badly ... I'm grateful for my new housemates and that I'm moving forward, but I really wanted Toren to live here, I really wanted my family to fill this house.

A while ago, stunned by how quickly a happy, hopeful life can turn horrific, I begged the Universe to release me from this hell ... I prayed for a change. The change is coming before I'm fully ready - there's still a part that can't accept that life continues after so much sorrow, there is still a part waiting for the nightmare to end in a reality that includes my baby safe and sound and my husband happy and present.

Anyway, a song to say goodbye

Crying in a good way

Have you seen the wedding entrance dance on Youtoob? It is so cute and sweet.

I wish I may, I wish I might

I wish to be someone else.

It's just one of those days where I crave company with people who "get it". I don't need to retell Toren's story, or cry over how much I miss my husband and son, I just don't want to have to smile and pretend like it's a great day anymore.

Relationships and boys

Twelve years ago today I got married. I was 22. We met at a high school dance when I was 16 and he was 14. After being in each others lives for 17 years he said we were not compatible. He was right, but that doesn't make it not hurt.

It's hard to lose your spouse and best friend at the same time.

I've not thought about it too much today though. More hours have been spent thinking about the men I am virtually meeting through a dating site some friends signed me up for (I've even been asked out on a date already! but I told him I'll go only if we get to know each other better on-line first). But the prospect of dating is very painful too. It's an active step in moving away from the life I wanted.

I don't like being so alone but it's hard to imagine myself meeting new people or being intimate with someone new. It's hard to be someone more than a deadbaby mama and a woman totally dumped by her husband, after all, if the person who knew me best left with hardly a word how good of a person am I? My last couple of intimate times were disastrous so there's zero confidence there. And I look like I've been through hell.

Anyway, inspired by Grace's positive attitude:

Today I am doing better because instead of dwelling on the past I thought about what I want in the future.

I guess I just wanted to say brace yourself for frequent freak outs and bring on your best dating advice!!!

For you musical theater fans, here's a theme song as this deadbaby mama starts to tiptoe back into public ;)

Are you ready for this?

SQUEEEEEE! A tiny, absolutely adorable, baby watermelon!

They start out like this

This is an itty bitty cantaloupe

Wasn't that a nice post? Not even a smidgen of swearing or whining!

(warning: carnage) Yes Kitten, that is exactly what I was talking about

... thank you for helping illustrate the point...

Sasha's just looking at the bird at this point; she lets go easier than I do.

Let go!!!

Sometimes it is gentle and encouraging - "Anna, let go".

Other times it takes on the sharp tone I use when my cats have caught a bird or chipmunk - "Anna! Drop it!!"

"The family you had is gone and will not return. With a white knuckled, unbreakable grip you are clinging to a dead memory, a wish, a huge what-could-have-been, the corpse of what-almost-was. DROP IT!!!"

"With this desperate grasp on NOTHING how can you possibly hold anything new?"



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BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
If I let go who will remember that my beautiful family existed for a short time? Who will recognize that everything felt so right with my marriage for those few months of pregnancy? Who will rage against the world because my baby died?


You were supposed to outlive me. I was never supposed to need to let go of you.


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I just had a fight with myself that is ending in tears and too much wine. Hooray for Friday night!

What are your internal conversations like lately?

Growing pains

Babies grow so quickly. The babies born well after Toren died are teething, trying solid foods, learning to roll over and crawl, and they are GROWING.

Toren stays forever tiny, his weight easily held by my left arm.

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I stopped by the cemetery yesterday evening after not visiting for several weeks. Since it is a communal plot there is usually something different each week when I normally visit. There was nothing different last night! No new toys or memorial items placed ... nothing rearranged. And this is what my grief feels like lately - stagnant, immobile, quiet and ignored. Work, a trip, "oh shit" financial situation, quest for housemates, love/hate emotion swings related to ex, and trying to reclaim my life, has pushed thoughts of Toren to the sidelines.

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My living situation is going to be very different in August when housemates move in. I'm happy about this because it helps with my goal of paying my bills, but sometimes the thought tiptoes through my brain "is this what I wanted for my life?". The answer is "no". I never had a desire to live with housemates. I feel like I'm too old for this. I should have my family with me. I miss them. I miss the life I almost had.

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You know that feeling of everyone's lives are moving on, progressing, changing while you are stuck missing your kid? Now I see progression and change in my own life but it's happening out of necessity not desire. It's a good thing, but it's weird. It's a happy thing and a not-happy thing at the same time.

For today, how about a song about going places (I didn't watch all of the video) to inspire this Southern Belle to get her ass to work!

Aerodynamic handbasket

I don't think about having a baby much anymore. Why bother wishing when I have no spouse and I simply can't afford to have one by myself right now. Without the gnawing hopes for a family I've started to question whether I really wanted that in the first place. I didn't always want to have children and I didn't have to try long at all to conceive (all of you living with infertility feel free to throw stuff at me). Last night my friends baby was at my home. A blue eyed boy smiled, giggled, cried, had a bottle, played, and fell asleep on the quilt my Mother made for me when I was a little girl. He was really fun and really sweet.

I want a baby.

I would have been a good mother too.

I had a plan in place for breastfeeding for at least a year to reduce Toren's risk of developing celiac disease. We were going to teach him sign language so Toren could communicate before he could speak. I was never going to complain about sleepless nights because how could I be upset with a little human who wanted me near. We were considering a Montessori style play area. He would ride with me to work and go to day care while I went to my office; I would be able to visit him during the day.

And those were just a few of the plans for baby-hood alone! Later there would be annual passes to the aquarium and botanical gardens. He would get exposure to music, technology, art, dance and science to see if he took after his dad or mom. There would be a swing set in the backyard, we would hang out by the community pool all summer with the other families. Most importantly Toren would grow up knowing that he was wanted and is deeply loved and cherished.

While Toren was in utero, my wish for him was that he would be a happy individual. I figured that also included him being healthy enough to be happy, I didn't need perfection for his body, just joy for his spirit. Did he jump ship because it was not possible for him to be happy in our family?


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I wasn't always a basket case.

I put myself through undergrad graduating with honors while working (pastry chef) and performing in student showcases (classical ballet). I was accepted into a top University for graduate school. I did fairly well there even after discovering that the ex was searching for "discreet" affairs with strangers on the internet just days before classes started. My boss for my work study position wanted me to stay after graduation so I did because I love her and the study we work on. She encouraged me to get a PhD next but I just can't do that much thinking yet.

Ah Anna, remember when earning anything less than an "A" was upsetting? Remember piping icing pearls and shells over and over to classical music so they would be perfectly uniform on wedding cakes? Remember foot cramps from the repetitive barre exercises and baby's breath in your hair performing a Petipa variation?

Now I'm hardly flustered when the bank account dips below zero.

All of that hard work just went to hell so quickly.

Now I'm a fucking loser who can't afford all of my bills let alone be able to afford to take care of a child. I no longer feel like I ever deserved a child.

Before. Dancing with my Dad at my sisters wedding

Removed to protect my anonymity.  It's a cute photo though, lots of smiling and laughing.


After. Reflection in sliding glass door.

I'm really sad now. A song for today.

You guys always know just what to say in your replies and your encouragement means so much, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!

What I wrote in the last post of what I wished I could say to the ex - I didn't mean it. Only a small part of me wants to say that. I'm not proud when I think or say angry things about him because those sentiments are not entirely true. I don't hate him, I love him! He was my best friend for over a decade. He was the person I wanted to see everyday. I wanted to have his children and raise a family with him. I wanted all of that even with his history of lying and infidelity.

It's incredible what you will put up with when you believe "I love you"'s. Once those endearments walk out the door ANGER rears up just for self protection. It turns out all of the times of absent devotion are only forgiven if the "I love you"'s are true and sometimes the emotions associated with these memories are overwhelming.

Ultimately I do not wish to never think of him again; I wish to someday be able to remember happy times from when we were together and not follow the path of feeling rejection and loss, and loneliness, and anger. I want the happy memories to remain that way.

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I've been doing so much participation in life lately, it feels like I exist again. And that is ok, taking care of issues is energizing! I hope it keeps up because it feels good.

The bad part is, it is time consuming and rather embarrassing to re-join life. This week I paid the traffic citation from my accident back in winter; this was urgent because I found out my license had been suspended because of it (so embarrassing!). Then I almost didn't get to join a credit union because my credit is not looking so hot (shit). All of these problems are because, for the most part, I haven't opened mail since October 2007.

I have a lot of catching up to do. But, as my Mom said, at least I'm doing it now. I love my Mother for saying she was proud of me for getting my license reinstated!

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Finding housemates is time consuming and so far no one looks great. The seemingly sanest of respondents is between jobs and is collecting unemployment and working part-time - I told her as long as she can cover the rent I am not bothered by this. Dumb? We'll see. In fact, as long as my kitchen isn't turned into a meth lab (because those are smelly and can blow up) I don't care how people get the rent, I just want to be able to pay my mortgage.

In an effort to get more interest from my roommates dot com posting I wanted to include a photo of myself (only because so many other people do it). Some of you, (Sophie had an excellent post a while back) have talked about photos before deadbaby and after; I hardly have any photos of myself taken "after" and I haven't found a single one without sunglasses. I posted this one though, taken during a trip to the Pacific Northwest. This is a "before". Although, it's actually during, about 2 weeks gestation, but I wouldn't know that Toren was present for another 2 months. The photo was taken 7-7-07, which means year 2 has already begun, and suddenly my chest is so tight.

Photo removed to protect anonymity


Add 20 pounds and some frown lines, take away the wedding ring and sparkle and you get me today. Just occurred to me that posting this photo with my ad may be too much of a misrepresentation! Might reconsider.

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Disjointed? Possibly. Re-joining life has hijacked my brain and I left my bag of medications in my office yesterday (worked from home today to let in gas guy and carpet cleaners) so it's been too long for some of these pills. I've got to go pick them up before I get dizzier, while driving ultra carefully since I just got my license back ;) So I leave you with my theme song for the moment. Enjoy!