Earlier this evening I bought a box of tampons and a box of gluten-free cinnamon donuts, so that explains today's sensitive mood. Sigh. It's hard to completely push aside the thoughts that not only is a baby not on the horizon, I'm still preventing pregnancy. Cycling on and on. Eggs dwindling. Scary thoughts of missing my chance on top of surging hormones. But you gotta just get through the day and act like you feel great because there's no room for on-going grief at the office.
Today I created a flyer for work and I thought it was so good! I spent time making it beautiful and informative and was certain that my bosses would love it and be happy with my work. They had so many suggestions for changes that it would turn into something completely different. They hated it. I almost cried right there. It's crushing to be so wrong about something.
.....
On Monday prego-colleague asked about yoga classes since I was reading Yoga Journal. She doesn't like yoga but may try it again anyway. I offered to let her borrow my prenatal yoga DVD but since she didn't seem excited about it I'm not going to dig it out. "Dig" is pretty literal in this sense. First the paper recycling bin must be moved, then the garden cart and some large tools. Then the little door will be revealed and the clasps on either side have to be released so the door may be lifted away. Inside this little cubby of the garage is left over paint, Christmas decorations, and childhood memorabilia. This is also where everything pregnancy related was thrown in November of 2007. The DVD should be in there but there are also books, clothes, and small, pure white onesies, among things I have forgotten about, that will have to be touched and moved until the DVD is found. It seems wrong to touch these things since I'm not expecting a baby. The trip down memory lane to find that DVD would be way more painful for me than any amount of enjoyment that p-c would get from using the video so fuck it.
Anyway, it's from my time with Toren. P-c would never know that I only did the video one or two times before the 6 weeks bleeding and restriction from unnecessary activity started. She would not think to ask about how I liked the video since as a women with a deadbaby I was never "really" pregnant. It's like pregnancies ending in live birth are real but pregnancies ending in death were just a silly dream. Babies born alive are real babies while those that die were never meant to be anyway so one can't be that sad about it.
.....
Back in November of 2007, with heart and soul writing in pain, I truly believed that the grief would ease and I'd return back to "normal" around the start of the new year. I was very wrong about that.
This path of grief has been a difficult journey. So dark, damp and lonely. Frightening cliffs. Step after step towards the rainbow ahead that seems to remain out of reach. I'm proud that I kept working through my grief and I'm happy to no longer be consumed by it. But some days it seems impossible that I still miss that tiny boy. After nearly 3 years why do I still think of Toren a hundred times a day?
My love for Toren has not diminished over time. The pain of living without him is so acute some days.
.....
It's time for me to snuggle into bed with the donuts. Goodnight!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Deadbaby mama body image
It was the development of boobs that sparked my body "issues". The budding bosom went unnoticed by 11 year old me until a snotty little girl pointed them out. 24 years later I am well versed with disliking parts of my body. Those boobs that started so early ended up being quite small, my ass is some kind of fat magnet, my skin is permanently traumatized from teenage hormones. Toss some sexual abuse into the mix and my body became more distant and uglier.
And this is a pervasive problem; how many of you are reciting your mental list of the flaws you think your body has right now?
And then my body couldn't make a healthy baby. Suddenly clear skin and cellulite free thighs disappeared as worries. I stopped looking at my body. I stopped yoga. Stopped dancing. I hated my body for killing the baby; sometimes I am still so angry with this flesh that failed so badly. Along with emotional grieving, this body also mourned: the aches from an utterly empty uterus, the breasts that swelled with milk and then never returned to normal since I never lost weight, arms that needed to hold a baby so badly that they clenched and throbbed and then disappeared. It's like mind, arms, womb, breasts, voice all separated, dissociating to grieve privately, unable to also feel the pain of the other parts.
My doctors told me over and over that one can't do anything to cause bilateral renal agenesis and that it wasn't my fault, but then who's to blame? The undeveloped organs were caused by something happening or not happening and I know exactly where Toren was for his entire life so this wasn't something that occurred when he was outside of my care.
* * * * *
My stages of grief work went like this:
1. Shock and numbness
2. Get through each day
3. Get through each day sober
And now it's time to gather the body parts together to re-integrate as a whole person. Before attempting a subsequent family (new partner and perhaps a pregnancy that may turn into a take-home baby) I want to feel whole, strong, capable, and ready. This may sound weird but it's like my pregnancy with Toren has not ended yet. Where a mother's body is concerned, pregnancy should go like this: pregnancy weight gain, huge belly, lose weight with delivery, lose more weight breastfeeding, and finally going on a diet to get back to one's pre-pregnancy weight. Toren's pregnancy stalled out at the pregnancy weight gain step. I'm still hanging on to him, still waiting for the outcome that was "supposed" to happen.
Defeated uterus, tired brain, futile breasts, and painfully empty arms ... being well indoctrinated that the cure to most physical annoyances is to lose weight, going on a diet was my automatic first solution. Can a diet make a deadbaby mama whole? Where are the magazine articles addressing this body image problem? I don't think weight loss itself is the key, however the healthy behaviors that often lead to weight loss, such as exercise and a nutritious diet, could be beneficial. Even so a weight loss ticker has been added off to the right.
Here's how these extra 28 pounds came to be:
Changes made so far:
* * * * *
Now for a "you-simply-can't-stop-being-annoyingly-pregnant-can-you?" blurb.
Yesterday I asked my pregnant colleague who talks about all the stuff she needs me to do while she is on maternity leave in December how her dr's appointment was (because it is polite to ask). The answer was that she waited for an hour to see the dr for 2 minutes and that prenatal visits are a waste of time, however she did get to hear the heartbeat. Either she really finds pregnancy boring because she's already successfully carried a pregnancy to the end or she is minimizing her excitement for my benefit so I won't think that being pregnant is anything to write home about.
Can you believe that? She told me that prenatal visits were a waste of time - like I had never been to one and would never want to go to one now!
Prenatal visits were anything but a waste of time for me. The first 2 were normal and exciting but after the heavy bleeding starting at week 13 the visits were more frequent and I held my breath each time until the doppler picked up Toren's heartbeat. Then of course there was the anatomy visit and boy do I ever wish that were a boring day rather than the day that began years of agonizing sorrow.
She's planning a c-section, which I have no issue with, but the reason she told me was that when she was induced for her last delivery she waited for 20 hours (boring) and then had a c-section. I didn't say that it took 72 hours from the time my induction began to when Toren was delivered, but it didn't feel like a long time because there were so many emotions to process and fears to conquer. I was in no rush to leave the hospital without him.
This is all really bitchy but it illustrates the different perspectives on simple things that come along with a deadbaby.
And this is a pervasive problem; how many of you are reciting your mental list of the flaws you think your body has right now?
And then my body couldn't make a healthy baby. Suddenly clear skin and cellulite free thighs disappeared as worries. I stopped looking at my body. I stopped yoga. Stopped dancing. I hated my body for killing the baby; sometimes I am still so angry with this flesh that failed so badly. Along with emotional grieving, this body also mourned: the aches from an utterly empty uterus, the breasts that swelled with milk and then never returned to normal since I never lost weight, arms that needed to hold a baby so badly that they clenched and throbbed and then disappeared. It's like mind, arms, womb, breasts, voice all separated, dissociating to grieve privately, unable to also feel the pain of the other parts.
My doctors told me over and over that one can't do anything to cause bilateral renal agenesis and that it wasn't my fault, but then who's to blame? The undeveloped organs were caused by something happening or not happening and I know exactly where Toren was for his entire life so this wasn't something that occurred when he was outside of my care.
* * * * *
My stages of grief work went like this:
1. Shock and numbness
2. Get through each day
3. Get through each day sober
And now it's time to gather the body parts together to re-integrate as a whole person. Before attempting a subsequent family (new partner and perhaps a pregnancy that may turn into a take-home baby) I want to feel whole, strong, capable, and ready. This may sound weird but it's like my pregnancy with Toren has not ended yet. Where a mother's body is concerned, pregnancy should go like this: pregnancy weight gain, huge belly, lose weight with delivery, lose more weight breastfeeding, and finally going on a diet to get back to one's pre-pregnancy weight. Toren's pregnancy stalled out at the pregnancy weight gain step. I'm still hanging on to him, still waiting for the outcome that was "supposed" to happen.
Defeated uterus, tired brain, futile breasts, and painfully empty arms ... being well indoctrinated that the cure to most physical annoyances is to lose weight, going on a diet was my automatic first solution. Can a diet make a deadbaby mama whole? Where are the magazine articles addressing this body image problem? I don't think weight loss itself is the key, however the healthy behaviors that often lead to weight loss, such as exercise and a nutritious diet, could be beneficial. Even so a weight loss ticker has been added off to the right.
Here's how these extra 28 pounds came to be:
- 8 pounds from writing my thesis (no exercise + take out for 3 months)
- 12 pounds of pregnancy weigh gain (which is mysterious and embarrassing since Toren was so tiny and there was no amniotic fluid)
- 8 pounds from consuming impressive quantities of wine for 2 years
Changes made so far:
- Only occasional drinking (2-4 drinks per week), tapering down to wondrously sparse alcohol consumption.
- Making a salad or sandwich for lunch instead of bringing a microwave meal.
- Personal training - however my gym use has been limited due to my broken patella - bah!
* * * * *
Now for a "you-simply-can't-stop-being-annoyingly-pregnant-can-you?" blurb.
Yesterday I asked my pregnant colleague who talks about all the stuff she needs me to do while she is on maternity leave in December how her dr's appointment was (because it is polite to ask). The answer was that she waited for an hour to see the dr for 2 minutes and that prenatal visits are a waste of time, however she did get to hear the heartbeat. Either she really finds pregnancy boring because she's already successfully carried a pregnancy to the end or she is minimizing her excitement for my benefit so I won't think that being pregnant is anything to write home about.
Can you believe that? She told me that prenatal visits were a waste of time - like I had never been to one and would never want to go to one now!
Prenatal visits were anything but a waste of time for me. The first 2 were normal and exciting but after the heavy bleeding starting at week 13 the visits were more frequent and I held my breath each time until the doppler picked up Toren's heartbeat. Then of course there was the anatomy visit and boy do I ever wish that were a boring day rather than the day that began years of agonizing sorrow.
She's planning a c-section, which I have no issue with, but the reason she told me was that when she was induced for her last delivery she waited for 20 hours (boring) and then had a c-section. I didn't say that it took 72 hours from the time my induction began to when Toren was delivered, but it didn't feel like a long time because there were so many emotions to process and fears to conquer. I was in no rush to leave the hospital without him.
This is all really bitchy but it illustrates the different perspectives on simple things that come along with a deadbaby.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The plan is in action
Thank you all for the support regarding my idea to have a baby, it's so helpful to hear that it is not a terrible plan and in fact it sounds like a wonderful plan!
That night I spoke with SnuggleBunny about it. He was not freaked out one little bit! Instead he is very excited and mentions it almost everyday. He is way more comfortable with the idea of having a baby than I am :)
He has some terms though - he wants to be there, he wants to be an active parent, he wants us to live together, he wants us to be a family. SB understands well that I do not want to get married but aside from the ceremony and legal binding we are talking about being together in a situation that will look very much like marriage.
I flip back and forth between being scared out of my mind and being overwhelmed with the romance of it all.
Last weekend he said that he would like to live together for a little while before we have a baby - this never occurred to me! But it is a very good idea. But this makes it seem very real and I don't think I'm as ready for this as I thought I was. The baby part is much easier to consider than having a family complete with SB. An estimated time for when he will move in has not been decided on yet.
Here are some issues:
1. SB and I met about 11 months ago, which isn't that long. But since I reject the idea of marriage I can also reject the idea of knowing a person for a few years before being a family together. In my gut I think it will work out very well for at least a while.
2. I like my financial independence, even though I have so little money. We will not share a bank account but that means he will have to contribute to the bills and it's uncomfortable to me to have him owe rent since he wouldn't be a real renter. But we would have to decide on a way to share the costs of living without either one of us taking on too much (which that one of us would be me since I habitually pay for health insurance, gym memberships, and what not for boys. I gave SB a gym membership for his birthday - see, I can't stop!). He said that we would simply split the house payment and utility bills.
3. I like having some evenings alone. It's good for me to have time when I'm not influenced by anyone else. Will my moods be dependent enough on his moods that I become lost again?
4. I like my housemates but they would have to leave. Which would make me even more dependent on SB paying rent.
I asked SB what would happen if we lived together but then couldn't get pregnant or have a living baby and he said we would adopt. No hesitation.
After being treated like crap by my husband it's hard to accept that SB truly wants to be with me. He wants to live with me. He wants to have a baby with me and he thinks I would be a great mother. All of these lovely thoughts float along the surface of the huge bubble of bad marriage hurt that encompasses my soul. I see that I could be happy and that this is exciting news that I could tell people about (you all are the first to know). It's kind of like a non-engagement announcement. We are preparing to join our lives.
Back to cynicism and worry - what else should I take into account with this plan to have SB move in?
That night I spoke with SnuggleBunny about it. He was not freaked out one little bit! Instead he is very excited and mentions it almost everyday. He is way more comfortable with the idea of having a baby than I am :)
He has some terms though - he wants to be there, he wants to be an active parent, he wants us to live together, he wants us to be a family. SB understands well that I do not want to get married but aside from the ceremony and legal binding we are talking about being together in a situation that will look very much like marriage.
I flip back and forth between being scared out of my mind and being overwhelmed with the romance of it all.
Last weekend he said that he would like to live together for a little while before we have a baby - this never occurred to me! But it is a very good idea. But this makes it seem very real and I don't think I'm as ready for this as I thought I was. The baby part is much easier to consider than having a family complete with SB. An estimated time for when he will move in has not been decided on yet.
Here are some issues:
1. SB and I met about 11 months ago, which isn't that long. But since I reject the idea of marriage I can also reject the idea of knowing a person for a few years before being a family together. In my gut I think it will work out very well for at least a while.
2. I like my financial independence, even though I have so little money. We will not share a bank account but that means he will have to contribute to the bills and it's uncomfortable to me to have him owe rent since he wouldn't be a real renter. But we would have to decide on a way to share the costs of living without either one of us taking on too much (which that one of us would be me since I habitually pay for health insurance, gym memberships, and what not for boys. I gave SB a gym membership for his birthday - see, I can't stop!). He said that we would simply split the house payment and utility bills.
3. I like having some evenings alone. It's good for me to have time when I'm not influenced by anyone else. Will my moods be dependent enough on his moods that I become lost again?
4. I like my housemates but they would have to leave. Which would make me even more dependent on SB paying rent.
I asked SB what would happen if we lived together but then couldn't get pregnant or have a living baby and he said we would adopt. No hesitation.
After being treated like crap by my husband it's hard to accept that SB truly wants to be with me. He wants to live with me. He wants to have a baby with me and he thinks I would be a great mother. All of these lovely thoughts float along the surface of the huge bubble of bad marriage hurt that encompasses my soul. I see that I could be happy and that this is exciting news that I could tell people about (you all are the first to know). It's kind of like a non-engagement announcement. We are preparing to join our lives.
Back to cynicism and worry - what else should I take into account with this plan to have SB move in?
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
ICLW Baseball
Kym conjured up this fun game in a dream!
Here's what to do if you want to play ICLW Baseball:
1. Copy these instructions and post them on your blog.
2. Answer the Base Questions.
3. Find other participating bloggers who have the same answers you do. Find at least one blogger for each base and link back to them in your baseball post. You may find more than one blogger with common answers for each post base. Your post will be a work in progress. Get YOUR base answers up ASAP, then go back often to edit and add the links of bloggers who share answers with you!
4. Once your base answers are up, go to I'm a Smart One/Kymberli's blog and add your baseball post hyperlink to the list. Kym's blog is home base; check the list to find the other players.
My answers:
1st base - Club soda
2nd base - Bone Garden Cantina (it's not a chain though so I think any amazing, local Mexican restaurant could count as being the same answer)
3rd base - February (the 10th) - shared with Kym and Mrs. Dreamer
and Megan
Home - Finding Nemo - shared with Dragondreamer's Lair
Here's what to do if you want to play ICLW Baseball:
1. Copy these instructions and post them on your blog.
2. Answer the Base Questions.
3. Find other participating bloggers who have the same answers you do. Find at least one blogger for each base and link back to them in your baseball post. You may find more than one blogger with common answers for each post base. Your post will be a work in progress. Get YOUR base answers up ASAP, then go back often to edit and add the links of bloggers who share answers with you!
4. Once your base answers are up, go to I'm a Smart One/Kymberli's blog and add your baseball post hyperlink to the list. Kym's blog is home base; check the list to find the other players.
My answers:
1st base - Club soda
2nd base - Bone Garden Cantina (it's not a chain though so I think any amazing, local Mexican restaurant could count as being the same answer)
3rd base - February (the 10th) - shared with Kym and Mrs. Dreamer
and Megan
Home - Finding Nemo - shared with Dragondreamer's Lair
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Oh boy that was a huge pity party yesterday! I sobbed for hours, which has not happened in a long time. A big cry fest has been lurking in the periphery for months now so it was time to get all out. The pregnancy announcement plus PMS plus muscle spasms from a new knee brace, and the stage was set for tears.
*****
"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself." - William Faulkner
I can continue feeling sorry for myself, which is justifiable since the past 2+ years have been full of super sucky events, or I can be better than myself.
So do I want to have a baby? The lack of a husband does not seem like a large obstacle anymore. To make that happen here is what I need:
1. A new job that pays a whole lot of money. I am ready to get back into research and leave this underpaying administrative job behind. And call me a bitch but I DO NOT WANT to cover my colleagues work while she is on maternity leave again. Last time I worked my ass off only to stay underpaid and the only reason I was able to work such long hours was because I had no family to go home to at night. I would be too resentful this time around.
2. Talk to SnuggleBunny and see if he wants to reproduce with me. I think he will, but if not, I need to find other sperm.
That's it.
*****
Do I want a child though? I want Toren; will a different one be ok?
Issue 1: Other people's children annoy me - one, because they exist here on Earth and Toren doesn't and try as I may to not be bitter about this all of the time the fact is that this still hurts and it still feels so unfair; and two, kids ARE rather annoying! but there are plenty of women who only really like their own children so it's ok to feel this way.
Issue 2: I feel like a basket case much of the time still. But I think this is temporary and life is slowing getting more organized.
Right now the most compelling reason to try for a baby that lives is that I have had two pregnancies and both ended traumatically. If there is never a positive pregnancy ending to counter the horrible ones will I feel like I'm missing out on something important? Do I want to leave life still completely heartbroken where reproduction is concerned? Even if I always feel sad that Toren is dead, I think it is possible to gain some healing from fulfilling the dream to mother a child. There were so many things I was going to do for Toren - I am missing out on sharing some of the beauty of living with a child.
*****
It's a lot to consider. But enough chatter for now - I need to kick ass at work to get closer to a new job!
*****
"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself." - William Faulkner
I can continue feeling sorry for myself, which is justifiable since the past 2+ years have been full of super sucky events, or I can be better than myself.
So do I want to have a baby? The lack of a husband does not seem like a large obstacle anymore. To make that happen here is what I need:
1. A new job that pays a whole lot of money. I am ready to get back into research and leave this underpaying administrative job behind. And call me a bitch but I DO NOT WANT to cover my colleagues work while she is on maternity leave again. Last time I worked my ass off only to stay underpaid and the only reason I was able to work such long hours was because I had no family to go home to at night. I would be too resentful this time around.
2. Talk to SnuggleBunny and see if he wants to reproduce with me. I think he will, but if not, I need to find other sperm.
That's it.
*****
Do I want a child though? I want Toren; will a different one be ok?
Issue 1: Other people's children annoy me - one, because they exist here on Earth and Toren doesn't and try as I may to not be bitter about this all of the time the fact is that this still hurts and it still feels so unfair; and two, kids ARE rather annoying! but there are plenty of women who only really like their own children so it's ok to feel this way.
Issue 2: I feel like a basket case much of the time still. But I think this is temporary and life is slowing getting more organized.
Right now the most compelling reason to try for a baby that lives is that I have had two pregnancies and both ended traumatically. If there is never a positive pregnancy ending to counter the horrible ones will I feel like I'm missing out on something important? Do I want to leave life still completely heartbroken where reproduction is concerned? Even if I always feel sad that Toren is dead, I think it is possible to gain some healing from fulfilling the dream to mother a child. There were so many things I was going to do for Toren - I am missing out on sharing some of the beauty of living with a child.
*****
It's a lot to consider. But enough chatter for now - I need to kick ass at work to get closer to a new job!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
"I wish you'd never learned to weep"
I must have listened to "Pure" by the Lightning Seeds thousands of times as a young girl. Even after so many years I remember every word.
So there I am in the ladies room at work blotting tears quickly because I need to pull it together and get back to my office and my brain remembered that line. "I wish you'd never learned to weep"
It's like tears are for the shorter lived sorrows but once you weep you cannot go back. You can't un-learn it. And quietly in the back stall, weeping was exactly what happened just minutes after smiling, reassuring, and asking questions after my colleague told me she was pregnant. Since I began this blog she has already had a baby. SHE ALREADY HAS ONE. The little boy who wouldn't smile for me a few weeks back.
Where is mine?
I tried to have a baby and that turned into unimaginable heartache. I tried to have a baby and my entire life fell apart. Two and a half years later I'm still trying to put things back together.
*****
The past two days have been incredible - I made progress towards getting a student loan out of default, a housemate issue is improving, and my fractured patella is healing well and I'm now able to wear a flexible, supportive knee brace instead of the one that has kept my knee straight for the last 3 weeks. But these are really just situations where a something bad is getting better, and it's so pathetic that I was so truly happy about these things just hours ago. I understand now why she has been distant and distracted and it sucks that when I stopped by her office to chat she was probably just thinking about how she needed to tell me about her pregnancy because she knows it is a sensitive topic for me.
*****
A "sensitive topic" - that's how I act about it when really it is a soul smashing topic that strikes down whatever lightness was buoying up the leaden weight in my chest. And then this body remembers what it was like to carry a baby, and not just any baby, MY precious little boy. This body remembers releasing him into the world and then these arms released him and he went to the morgue and I went home. Empty womb, empty arms, empty home.
If emptiness had a sound I think it would be weeping - weeping echoing on and on and on.
*****
"still I love you"
So there I am in the ladies room at work blotting tears quickly because I need to pull it together and get back to my office and my brain remembered that line. "I wish you'd never learned to weep"
It's like tears are for the shorter lived sorrows but once you weep you cannot go back. You can't un-learn it. And quietly in the back stall, weeping was exactly what happened just minutes after smiling, reassuring, and asking questions after my colleague told me she was pregnant. Since I began this blog she has already had a baby. SHE ALREADY HAS ONE. The little boy who wouldn't smile for me a few weeks back.
Where is mine?
I tried to have a baby and that turned into unimaginable heartache. I tried to have a baby and my entire life fell apart. Two and a half years later I'm still trying to put things back together.
*****
The past two days have been incredible - I made progress towards getting a student loan out of default, a housemate issue is improving, and my fractured patella is healing well and I'm now able to wear a flexible, supportive knee brace instead of the one that has kept my knee straight for the last 3 weeks. But these are really just situations where a something bad is getting better, and it's so pathetic that I was so truly happy about these things just hours ago. I understand now why she has been distant and distracted and it sucks that when I stopped by her office to chat she was probably just thinking about how she needed to tell me about her pregnancy because she knows it is a sensitive topic for me.
*****
A "sensitive topic" - that's how I act about it when really it is a soul smashing topic that strikes down whatever lightness was buoying up the leaden weight in my chest. And then this body remembers what it was like to carry a baby, and not just any baby, MY precious little boy. This body remembers releasing him into the world and then these arms released him and he went to the morgue and I went home. Empty womb, empty arms, empty home.
If emptiness had a sound I think it would be weeping - weeping echoing on and on and on.
*****
"still I love you"
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Thank you all so much for listening to my last rant and giving such supportive feedback. It is a confusing situation with the collisions of past and present. I don't know if BF's new friend is a warning sign or red flag, or just simply a new friendship with someone who happens to be female. My gut says run away, but that would really be running away from the actions of my ex, which are in the past. I hope that makes sense.
I sent an e-mail explaining why I was being so distant (it's best if he has time to think about potentially troubling information so e-mail is better than face to face) and I'll just see what happens from there.
The scars that we carry can be exhausting. One deadbaby and suddenly seeing a pregnant women or baby becomes so COMPLICATED. There's the social norm that says we should be happy for pregnant women and seeing a baby should be a joyous experience. And even bitter old me gets emotional thinking about how that women is experiencing the complete and pure love that I have for Toren and I am happy when people get to feel that love because it is so beautiful. But then there's all of the other feelings: confusion over why others get living babies and I didn't, rage that my life is lived without my son, sorrowful nausea because by womb and arms still feel so empty.
One ended marriage to an unfaithful partner and I'm having trust issues over something that has not been proven to be suspect and even though I don't think trust is necessary for a romantic relationship. At least I don't want trust to be necessary.
And there are countless other ways that people can be hurt and react over and over to situations that happened before.
It's scary and sad that we can feel heartbroken over and over from things of the past.
Do any of you have weird emotional triggers?
There are certain restaurants that I won't go to because my husband and used to eat there together.
I get angry at SUV's because I wanted one to drive my kid around in. If I ever need a car that holds more than two people I'll probably go for a sedan - who knows though, maybe someday I could turn back into a softer person and fulfill that old wish for a mommy mobile.
I sent an e-mail explaining why I was being so distant (it's best if he has time to think about potentially troubling information so e-mail is better than face to face) and I'll just see what happens from there.
The scars that we carry can be exhausting. One deadbaby and suddenly seeing a pregnant women or baby becomes so COMPLICATED. There's the social norm that says we should be happy for pregnant women and seeing a baby should be a joyous experience. And even bitter old me gets emotional thinking about how that women is experiencing the complete and pure love that I have for Toren and I am happy when people get to feel that love because it is so beautiful. But then there's all of the other feelings: confusion over why others get living babies and I didn't, rage that my life is lived without my son, sorrowful nausea because by womb and arms still feel so empty.
One ended marriage to an unfaithful partner and I'm having trust issues over something that has not been proven to be suspect and even though I don't think trust is necessary for a romantic relationship. At least I don't want trust to be necessary.
And there are countless other ways that people can be hurt and react over and over to situations that happened before.
It's scary and sad that we can feel heartbroken over and over from things of the past.
Do any of you have weird emotional triggers?
There are certain restaurants that I won't go to because my husband and used to eat there together.
I get angry at SUV's because I wanted one to drive my kid around in. If I ever need a car that holds more than two people I'll probably go for a sedan - who knows though, maybe someday I could turn back into a softer person and fulfill that old wish for a mommy mobile.
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