I know I'm in this office to work but sometimes a girl can only take so many "Can I get this done NOW?"s Before she snaps and retreats to blogland for a bit. The reports, letters, e-mails to write and phone calls to return are now prioritized behind expressing my feelings.

And what I'm feeling is this: depleted

I spent Friday through Saturday night celebrating BF's birthday. The wee hours of Sunday were not great; without details, he was very ill from alcohol and I am a freaking saint. Then Sunday I canceled my plans to drive the still drunk boy to a dj job. It was fun hanging out where he was but it was so hot. I was positive, pleasant, patient, and encouraging all day. Driving home I tell him how much I enjoyed meeting one of his female friends at dinner the night before (she and I talked and talked!) and then it turns out that at dinner was the first time they had met in person but they have been talking on-line for months.

Can you say "emotional trigger"? He and I haven't been intimate lately - he is not interested - and now he's getting to know other girls on-line then meeting up with them. On the emotional level it doesn't matter that I was at dinner too, right now all that matters is that I've seen this pattern of behavior before and it ended so painfully.

There is no need for BF to be trusted - I don't need to trust him in the sense that I will not have so much of my life entwined with his that every part of life is negatively impacted if he were to suddenly be gone. But the worry that there are quiet conversations going on behind my back takes me to that anxious place where boys lie about their love, fuck around, and ultimately leave you with all of the household responsibilities and bills even though you fought your instincts and forgave over and over.

.....

I'm mulling over "trust". How important is it? Do we need to trust others to fully love or care for someone? Can one have a meaningful life without trusting or relying on anyone else?

I couldn't make the little boy smile. Or wave. Or say hello. He's about 1 and a half years old.

It's harder than it should be, you know. I figured that perhaps the time for looking away or hiding when babies are in view has to end, but now I feel shot down. Silly huh? I don't spend time with babies or children so of course I'm not practiced, but it makes me think that I'm innately horrible with children. So horrible and anti-motherly that my baby died. I repelled him away.

I must not look maternal either - people rarely ask me if I have any children (we're talking once or twice a year I'll be asked about kids). And now I waver back and forth with desire to reproduce. A few weeks ago it was all I could think about but most of the time I simply wish that Toren were here and I have little interest in other babies. I messed up his life before he was even born, the prospect of making further fatal reproductive mistakes is nauseating. And yes, yes, I know that I didn't do anything to cause him not to develop all of his organs - I know it but I don't believe it all of the time.

And that is the mental trip I took all because a tiny boy was shy.

How do you all really feel about other babies post babyloss (your own or others')? Is it healing? Awkward? Still heartbreaking?

Blog anniversary

My blog is two years old today :)

This is kind of sacred territory - still hidden from the people that I know in real life but it doesn't exactly feel anonymous anymore since I feel so close to fellow babylost bloggers and some of you are fb friends. Anniversaries seem like a time of reflection but I can't sum up the past two years neatly. It's like the answer isn't known yet.

Baby died = devastating
Husband left = betrayal and shame on top of devastation
Figured out how to take care of myself = housemates, boyfriend, therapy, antidepressants

Devastation + betrayal and shame - learning independence = ?
Has it all balanced out yet?

But the really important parts of the journey don't have words yet. Am I ok with the baby dying and my husband leaving? It feels like events that sad and life altering leave a permanent imprint on your soul and body. Time and antidepressants and new love ease the anguish but the memories are still so fresh. Dividing the line between being sunk in sorrow and being a capable adult again is this huge wall built of "Once the Universe decided that my baby would die", "Once I held my son and knew that I would do anything to protect him and that loving him was what I was on Earth to do, and then his body went to the morgue while I left the hospital cradling his memory box", "Once my husband left me without warning and I was so alone, so embarrassed, and so lost that I tried to kill myself and was taken to a mental hospital, involuntarily, in the back of a police car".

The stories of "I knew someone who bled through their entire pregnancy and the baby was fine", "I knew someone who had a scary ultrasound and their baby was fine", "I knew someone whose baby was sick but we all prayed and the baby turned out fine" don't apply here. And no one tells tales of "I knew someone who loved their baby as much as you love yours and hers died". Those life stories are silenced until they have no importance in life away from a grief blog or support group. Those life changing, beyond important stories, are silenced.

Leaning on that wall is where I remain. I am capable of doing so much in terms of being a "normal person" but not everyday; some days I'm back to feeling so sick that I can't possibly leave the house. Going out to see anyone from "before" other than my closest friends is not even considered anymore. I have a wonderful boyfriend but I can't tell him that I love him. That level of commitment is simply not safe.

Love is not safe. But love is the most beautiful thing in life. How can one release themselves to love after learning that what you love dearly can be ripped away?

........

Ooops, I meant to tell you about other things, fun things, and show garden photos. I meant to comment on the progress made from the beginning of this blog so that others would know that healing is possible. Snuggle bunny is here which means it's time to perk up, so real fast:

I thought this Clematis was dead two years ago but check out the mass of blooms it has this year.

Squash blossom

Fading yucca blooms - these flowers are amazing
This is what I'm listening to - fun, energetic music :D

Prelude to divorce #2

I guess that last email from him provided the inspiration needed to clean out the garage a bit. Every so often I'll tidy things up and toss things out in the garage but mere weeks later what remains never fails to explode, leaving memorabilia of a marriage as shrapnel. After deciding that I definitely should toss the candle holder that he made in high school into the donation bag at the last minute it ended up being set aside to consider later. It's not just memories of our marriage left behind, it's memories of our respective childhoods.

I remember using that candle stick in his room that was in the basement of his mother's home. We spent countless hours together in that room and when things became too strained at my house I moved in to his room. Was that the first time that he rescued me? No... we had known each other too long by then, but it's the memory that stands out now. When we were teenagers I viewed him as so safe and gentle; I was sure that he would never hurt me the way my mother had been treated by her husbands. It was like striking gold and I clung to him - he was my ticket to a secure lifestyle. I believed that we would live our entire lives together and even if we divorced one day it was inconceivable that we would not have regular contact. He was my best friend. I loved him and believed in him. I was 22 when we married.

Hindsight can hurt so much sometimes.

Considering the situations I lived in while a minor, it's clear why a marriage to such a private person was not only acceptable but something to be proud of. Years ticked by and our marriage lasted longer than some of our parents marriages (they were all married quite a few times). We were going to make recent family tree history by growing old together. Frequently others would say they wanted a relationship like we had.

Somewhere along the way things started to change and it was so gradual that I guess neither one of us noticed how wrong things were becoming. He became more secretive; I started to act erratically and loneliness and jealously towards the women he would spend so much alone time with led to huge crying spells. He would be able to explain everything and over time I became the emotional and unpredictable one. I needed to be cared for; he wanted to "fix" me.

He later said that he could never make me happy, that it was impossible for him to fix me. And he was right, but not because I was beyond repair.

............

His email included a reminder that I got everything - the house, furniture, the weird/cool household maintenance tools that he deemed unimportant enough to leave behind: rakes, a few screwdrivers, box cutter, socket thingies, but where is the part they snap into?

I did end up with all of these items but only because he left them/us behind. While he was moving out, when asked about what he wanted to take, my pummeled heart received another punch when he didn't want much. It was like he wanted no memories of the "us" portion of his life to follow him on to greener pastures. Why is he now saying between the lines that I'm ungrateful for making use of the objects he rejected? That's much easier to answer than "how is it possible that we matured into our 30's in such different directions?"

............

Sifting through the garage odds and ends was unfortunately short lived. Where health is concerned, you will not believe the series of events during my blogging hiatus but it is indeed all true.

3 weeks ago a day long fever evolved into conjunctivitis in both eyes, laryngitis for 5 days and a round of antibiotics (I was negative for strep at this time). Instead of getting better my throat became even more sore. Today my health care provider diagnosed a viral infection AND a strep infection. Already this round of antibiotics is helping. Since I was sent home from work until 24 hours of antibiotics were completed and I don't feel that bad besides a cough and raw throat, it seemed like a great time to tidy the garage. I kid you not after about 30 minutes I tripped over an extension cord (so essentially nothing) and landed hard on my knee onto the concrete floor. It didn't swell up too bad (I say this even though almost all of the definition of my knee is gone, despite hours of ice and ibuprofen) so I'm waiting before seeing a doctor but walking is painful and since I'm in cootie isolation SnuggleBunny can't come over to help me.

My blogging hiatus was intended to be all about action and experiences and while I have had some great times, the Universe seems to want me to be still. So here I am, reluctantly acquiescing to a period of rest. It's frustrating but my spirits are oddly good! Things are not going as planned, I have been in minor pain and tired for 3 weeks, I've replaced contact lenses, mascara, and toothbrushes, bought new glasses (easing the insult of pink eye by replacing glasses that were a nearly decade old), I may have messed up my knee (cross your fingers that it will just be a bad bruise), I have missed work, I am adjusting to a higher dose of wel.bu.trin. But also I'm not sinking into depression or becoming engulfed with anger when I think about how difficult my husband is being. He is simply behaving as he often did by ignoring me until responding in a demeaning manner and defending himself, but instead of following the habit of negative reaction I think "this is how he is, why would I expect anything else?"

I wish he could really hear me but it is impossible. Anyway, that's all for tonight.

Well...

Around here lately blog posts don't make it past the random thoughts noted on scraps of paper. I'm still following along with my favorite blogging friends but commenting is rare. Rather than feeling like a slacker it's time to just flow with it.

So what next?

This landscape still cannot accommodate a baby. And that is both ok and gut wrenching.

It's not clear where this story fits in with the majority of related blogs. There is no "rainbow baby". No TTC. No problems with TTC discovered. No worries over subsequent pregnancies.
.....
And on that topic I'd like to digress and say a huge "fuck off" to all of those people who said I could have another baby. Beyond insensitive and thoughtless it was such a rude thing to say while Toren - deeply cherished, "incompatible with life" Toren - was still LIVING inside me. Such a simplistic thing to say given the genetic testing to be done, the grief, and the huge strain that one tiny deadbaby can put on a marriage.

"You can have another one". Like life doesn't become complicated. Like hearts mend so quickly. We all know how annoying that "comforting" statement is and I thought I was over it but what is really rage inducing lately is that statement was a lie. I wanted Toren, but before him I wanted a baby, and that generic desire is still there. Part of me needed to believe that having another baby would heal some of the hurt. Insensitive sure, but I also needed to believe that those uttering "you can have another one" were speaking the truth. It's been almost 2 and a half years since Toren died and there is not another one here or even on the horizon.

Where is my other one?
.....

There's no ending of this blog or creation of a new one due to momentous, perspective changing events in this story. Toren is still dead. My husband is still gone (but while this was devastating for quite a while it's turned into an hugely positive situation). It has all been so difficult. In the beginning of this blog I honestly did not think I could ever not be consumed by sorrow but this is not the case anymore.

This has to change from my anonymous grief blog into ... what?

................................

I do want my blog to transform rather than end because even though so much of the story is over MY story is has not ended yet - if that makes any sense. Toren's story is over - he lived for a short while then he died. The story of my marriage ended after 11 years (even though those divorce papers are still not signed, the marriage is over).

Before Toren I was hollow, so afraid of offending, so devoid of personal expression that I was practically not alive. Accompanying Toren were emotions that were too intense not to feel and the husband exodus left behind the space needed to fully absorb and process the grief, anger, sorrow, rage, and most importantly, love. So no longer hollow, no longer drowning in grief ...

I may step away from the internet for a bit and participate more in life to find things to write about. You are all always in my heart and I'll catch up with you all later.

Screech!

X, I hate you. I wish you were not in my life AT ALL you greedy, fucking jerk.

I am not beaten down and I will not give into his wishes. Just needing a little support. I need to reassurance that I can stand up for myself.

:(

Easter baskets for you!

Beautiful Mess sent a virtual Easter basket for Toren's birthday! For each post in the Hershey's Better Basket Blog Hop, Hershey's will donate $10 to the Children's Miracle Network. The blog post must occur before 12pm on April 4th so hop to it and give baskets to your blogging friends!


The official rules:

HERSHEY’S BETTER BASKET BLOG HOP RULES

• Copy and paste these rules to your blog post.
• Create a blog post giving a virtual Easter Basket to another blogger – you can give as many Virtual Baskets as you want.
• Link back to person who gave you an Easter Basket.
• Let each person you are giving a Virtual Easter Basket know you have given them a Basket.
• Leave your link at BetterBasket.info/BlogHop comment section. You can also find the official rules of this #betterbasket blog hop, and more information about Better Basket with Hershey’s there.
• Hershey’s is donating $10 per each blog participating to the Better Basket Blog Hop to Children’s Miracle Network (up to total of $5,000 by blog posts written by April 4th, 2010).
• Please note that only one blog post by each blog url will count towards the donation.

I'm giving a basket to everyone who reads this but I'll also name a few names:

Bree (this could be something fun to do while on bedrest)
Zil
Reba
Catherine W
angelseashore
myskytimes
bluebirdsinging
Hope
Lisette
Sara
Sophie
Quiet Dreams

Not all of you are currently maintaining public blogs so just know that I was thinking of you and appreciated the birthday wishes for Toren.


Ahh, a light hearted posts feel good :)