Garbage

Last Tuesday was off to an uncomfortable start from the get go (last post) so when my ex contacted me a few hours later asking to get together so he could give me some information for the re-negotiating the mortgage (another HUGE source of stress), I agreed.  In my opinion, it's a wiser move to add a negative task to an already not great day than to a great day.

First, let me say that is really stinks that even if you divorce, everyone who was initially put on the mortgage is still responsible for the mortgage, no matter what the divorce papers say.  It just makes things, like continued communication with your ex-husband who walked away from the freaking house leaving you with all of the stress of paying for it, annoying.

I suspected he really wanted to just talk.

He suggested Sta.rbucks, but I like that place so I suggested a bar that I don't really like going to (why risk creating bad memories at a location you like?).  It started out well.  We met in high school and were married for 11 years (that's 19 years of nearly daily contact) so there is a huge feeling of comfort just being near him.  On some level he probably gets me more than anyone else does.  But it was also uncomfortable for both of us, which makes me feel like a bar was a good choice (even though anything in excess of moderate drinking is not good) because I WANTED him to say all that was on his mind that night; I didn't want this to be a conversation that extended over time.

On our second drinks, I ask why he just signed another year's lease on his apartment when he wants to move to be near his mom.  He'd been seeing someone (for 6 days), and they were really hitting it off, until the weekend of the March for Babies when he had some sort of breakdown about Toren and freaked out the girl.  He made it a point to tell me that one main "flaw" with her was that she was not able to have children - why he thinks it's ok to tell that to the person who failed at making a baby that can live is beyond me.  And, that he considers this a negative point in the person he is seeing is insulting for all women who struggle with family building.

Eventually, he asks me about the "elephant in the room", which I couldn't guess which elephant he was talking about so he asks "How are you and SnuggleBunny doing?".  I hadn't mentioned my boyfriend to my ex-husband, because that seems rude, so I tell him we are doing well, SB is probably the funniest person I have ever met, and he is living in the house now.  It seems totally inappropriate to tell the person I was last planning a family with that SB and I are hoping to have a baby soon, so I don't mention it.  Saying something like that could be hurtful.

Then he says "You probably know I was seeing Karen*".
* = names are NOT changed to protect the innocent

At which point I order a third glass of wine.  I didn't know he was seeing Karen.  Why would I know that?  Karen, the female part of a couple we used to spend time with; a couple that split up soon after we did.  Karen, who has two adorable young sons who I played video games with and watched movies with on mornings when we stayed over at their house.  Apparently they got pretty serious for a while there.  Serious enough that she and her family are friends with his family on FB, while his family have never wondered if I was doing ok (although, he probably didn't say that he dumped my ass and instead he would have spouted off some victimizing lies and implied that our separation was mutually decided upon).  He probably tucked those boys into bed.

A week later it still makes me angry that he thought it was ok to tell me about a relationship he had, with one of our mutual friends, with a woman who can make living baby boys.  There was so much more involved, but basically he left me and hooked up with a woman who has living, beautiful sons.

Giving birth to a dead baby is so unattractive.

Soon he starts to do things on his computer, preparing to email the mortgage information to me and I'm freaking out and self conscious so try to look important by sending a text to SB letting him know I'll be home soon and then to Debbie, admitting that I need to look busy right now and thanking her for her support.

*****

At home I pour another glass of wine, talk to my dad on the phone about my plan to start prostitution to afford this damn house, and then I go quiet and SB looks over and I tell him about how sad something I'm reading is and I start to read aloud Mandy's words from this post and then I'm sobbing.  SB then makes me go to bed, which was exactly what I needed, and he hugs me for hours.

*****

Yesterday, four years ago, I graduated from a masters program.  I felt like we were so put together.  Ex and I had a house (2 spare bedrooms and a big backyard), cars, and my education was done for now.  We had come MILES from where our own parents were.   I wanted my children to be WANTED, and although Toren was conceived several months sooner than expected (I planned a few months to get the hormonal contraceptives out of my system), he was planned for and there were years of preparation for HIM. 

"But the diaper bag remains untouched."

I don't think there is anything I want more than a family of my own.  But it's more sick than that ... there is part of me that needs to pick up where the ex and I left off ... I so want that decade of preparation to lead to something other than a broken heart.  I can't imagine, or really desire, a pregnancy leading to someone other than Toren.  And there is no way to express this to SB without hurting his feelings. 

*****

Divorce is hard.

But not nearly as hard as walking out of the hospital while your child's body is taken to the morgue.

One foot in front of  the other until it's been almost 4 years and you wonder how it's possible that so much time has passed.  He was so precious ... how has time continued without him?  Part of me is still there waiting, arms held out waiting to be given something other than a memory box.

My response

Thank you for your note.  I'm not sure what to say.

Out of the thousands of feelings from the last 3.5 years I never once have felt like an amazing person.  It's more like I am just a person getting through an amazingly bad situation through any means available.  Grief is hard and processing it is rarely pretty or nice.  You and I took different routes in dealing with Toren dying, and it kind of is as simple as that. 

I hope that you have resources for getting through your grief.

*****

I decided that there was no way that I could write anything eloquent as a reply to his message (prior post) while avoiding my usual pitfalls of manipulation, pity-parties, rancid bitterness and over-sharing so I just wrote a reply, deleted half of it, then clicked the send button.

Being called "amazing" makes me very uncomfortable because I'm not sure there was one positive "amazing" aspect about dealing with Toren's death and then that lousy, drawn-out divorce.  Amazingly angry, amazingly hurt, and amazingly lonely all fit.  An amazing amount of wine was consumed for a while there...

Participating with the March for Babies is a good thing, but also mixed up with the wish that the money raised will lead to fewer deadbabies I used it to let my friends and family know that I was still hurting and each donation and lack of donation has been tallied.  I used fundraising as a tool to gauge who I could depend on for emotional support.  And perhaps at the very same moment that the ex was thinking that I was "amazing" I was choking back tears and thinking about how I will not participate in the March for Babies next year unless I have my rainbow baby.  In all reality, I'll be too strung out from the illicit drug habit I'll be developing over next Christmas, because I cannot face another fucking family oriented holiday with just Toren's memory, to show up on time for the walk anyway.  AMAZING!!!

The March for Babies is about hope and it's inspiring to see so many people out there walking with their strollers and children.  I am not strong enough to face another March for Babies with unfulfilled hope.

*****

Thank you all for your comments and texts.  Seriously, with all my heart, thank you.  I'm not ok right now, but I will be later.  I really wish divorce came with more emotional relief.

Was he drunk?

 Perhaps.  This was send to my phone and email during the noon hour on Saturday, from my ex-husband.

"Thank you so much for walking for Toren today. You are an amazing person. I am so sorry things happened the way they did. I never wanted to hurt you. I am sorry. Thank you for being amazing. Thank you for remembering when i worked so hard to forget."

It will take about a year for me to figure out a response. 

I am both filled with compassion and compassionless; both filled up to the brim and devoid of patience.

TMI + grumpiness

Ahhh, nothing like waking after a night of cramps and thunderstorms to the first period sans birth control.  We are not TTC quite yet but it's still disappointing that there wasn't an accident.  And terrifying.  The wait to see if I'll have trouble conceiving is terrifying, because I don't have a plan for coping if a rainbow baby with my rainbow partner does not work out.  I can't imagine losing hope again. 

Gushing blood, eyes tired and puffy from lack of sleep and a short cry before getting out of bed, cramps, hoping for a short day at work but then finding out I'll be attending a late meeting for my boss, and then not one, but TWO emails announcing the births of healthy baby boys!  Isn't life funny?!

Excuse me while I laugh myself straight into the looney bin.

This makes a great fight song for betrayed lovers, and the video is stunning and symbolic.  It has a great rhythm for throwing dishes, tossing your ex's clothes onto the lawn, and slashing tires :)

But there's also a huge dose of reality because even while you are inspired  to improve your life and fuck their shit up it's so impossibly sad that a relationship that was so close to being gorgeous turned toxic.

"Don't underestimate the things that I will do" - just as soon as I can stand up.

How are you feeling?

I'm divorced.  The official letter arrived last Friday.  Because the ex has moved since we filed and his letter would have been sent to his old address, I sent him an email letting him know that it was all over and asking if he would like me to send him a scan of the letter (because there is something wrong with me and I can't stop accommodating him).  He ended his 3 sentence reply by asking how I was feeling, and figuring out a response to that question has really had me confused.

What did he mean by asking me that?  How am I feeling emotionally about our divorce, or was I sick last time we corresponded and he's asking about my health?  His was a simple question gently laid on top of a tumultuous history.

On one hand it felt nice that he may care, while on the other, how I'm feeling is none of his business.  Should I ignore it?  Should I respond with truth or fluff?  Which truth should I respond with - the one of annoyance and hurt about there being so little closure to this breakup that he instigated, or the truth of how relieved I am that he stopped being such an asshole about the settlement so that we could divorce?  What about the truth of how I once loved him dearly and devotedly?

No closure.  He decided that our marriage would end, but other than expressing a need to be happier, he didn't give other reasons and he gave me no say in it.  If he's asking how I am feeling maybe he's really not such a jerk anymore; maybe he is turning back into the person I thought he was.  Maybe his rotten behavior of the past several years was temporary while he worked through the death of our son.  What if he truly cares how I am feeling about our divorce and it turns out that I just became divorced from a guy who is great again, the guy who I met at age 16, the guy who was my best friend and then husband for half of my life?

But then the brain gears started really turning . . . 
It's a long shot but what if my ex really has turned into the person I vowed to spend my life with, what would that really mean? 

Nothing. 
It's too late for who he is, or has the potential to be, to mean anything to me.  I am so happy with my boyfriend and we are making plans for our future together.  I have a great thing going with him and that really can't be said enough.  My ex-husband can be fantastic or foul but whoever he truly is requires no decision making on my end.  I don't need to discover if he is now great or not because that does not have any bearing on the choice I am making to wholeheartedly and open-heartedly be with my awesome SnuggleBunny! 

What I have now is wonderful!  And that, my friends, is closure.

Rambling then a charting question

Every woman in my department is pregnant.  EVERY ONE OF THEM ;) 

AND the closer in physical proximity they are to me the more likely it is they will have a boy.  A couple of years ago EVERYONE had son's but now there are some baby girls, but only if the woman's desk is at least 30 feet away from my desk.

I'm very happy today and these thoughts are making me laugh at myself.  It all started when one of my students said his wife was having a baby this summer.  They have a toddler son who is adopted and conceiving a child was not something they expected.  It's now a story that their friends of friends will use as encouragement to infertile couples - "Just adopt, then you will get pregnant!".  Anyway, I gave him a high five.

*****

My situational infertility is coming to an end and it is helping with situations like this.  Thoughts of "that will never be me.  I will never have a baby" are being replaced with "that may happen to me soon". 

According to my fertility charting, I did not ovulate this month.  Which is worrisome, even though I know I should be more strict on getting basal body temperatures at the same time each day and this is the first cycle since stopping hormonal contraception.  The first 10 days or so were just like the examples said they should be but temperatures and cervical fluids have been all over the chart since then ;)

My temperatures were taken before getting out of bed but are they useless because they were taken at different times of the morning?