I think a marriage is something to be proud of - being married is a source of pride. To me, wedding rings look like stability, determination, patience, and being selfless at times. They are a symbol that someone loves you enough to make that pledge of "for better and for worse" and that someone is willing to spend the rest of their life with you.
So it's hard to know what to do with these stubborn ideals, even after having experienced their fiery failure, and it's hard to know what to do with an old wedding ring, even after learning that the diamonds are cheap and the whole thing is only worth the price of scrap gold.
I used to be so proud of that damn thing.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
How do I say this?
I've known since the beginning of January that the big "f" word that concerns mortgages was happening to my house and it's been almost 3 weeks since I moved and I've told hardly anyone about it.
Most of this is probably mentioned in prior posts but here is what happened all in one place:
In Spring of 2008 my husband was laid off from work and a few months later I took a position that was a departure from the career path I wanted because it had better pay and full benefits. In November 2008 hubby left for greener pastures and I stayed in the house because I could afford it easier than he could since I had a job. In hindsight that was one of the dumbest things I have ever done. Fast forward through 3 years of me struggling to make the damn mortgage payment (done terribly... I learned pretty quickly to give preference to keeping the utilities on) and I was laid off. It didn't take long for the mortgage company to get really annoyed with me. I applied for a mortgage modification but since my ex-husband was still on the loan, proof of income was required from him too. But not just one time, they needed monthly updates of pay stubs and bank statements and each time it took longer and longer for my ex to send the information until the application was eventually denied because of missing information. In November I tried again for the mortgage modification. The ex and I had been running into each other out and about and had even exchanged some pleasant text messages so I thought I would have fewer panic attacks when requesting information from him and he would be more receptive to helping out. A week after my first request I sent him a message and he said he had missed that email but that he would get the information to me and that he didn't want the house to go into foreclosure. A week later I sent a reminder. And then more reminders, for six weeks, and he never responded.
In early January I spoke with a housing counselor of sorts and went through my financial information with him. I had my income and monthly expenses memorized from having done so many applications and whatnot. But he presented things in a different way and he asked how much the household income was reduced by the divorce (quite a lot) and then how much was it further reduced when I was laid off and took a part-time position. I was working with about 20% of the income we had. I was trying to pay for the house with next to nothing. He talked about how you should be paying about 30% of your income on housing (the entire mortgage was about 100% of what I was bringing in monthly - I was just paying several hundred a month towards it at this point). And, after first protesting because the mortgage amount was in the right range when I moved in and how could I even afford ANYTHING on 30% of my income, I finally started to get it. I couldn't afford to live there.
On the day when I learned that the bank had bought back the house and there was nothing else that I should or could do about it, I wept for hours because I was so relieved.
.....
It's been a hard time. The strongest feeling has been shame because you are not supposed to lose your house. There's also been a lot of happiness over leaving the house where so many bad things happened.
What has been the most difficult are the feelings about my ex. He is not an idiot and he knew exactly what would happen if the modification wasn't approved. He elected to have a foreclosure on his credit score in order to see me displaced. While not a violent act, his lack of action feels very aggressive. Again, he made sure that I knew he was the one in control. Again, he let me know that I am not capable of doing things correctly.
I don't know what I did to him to cause him to be such a jerk.
I have not said anything to him about it but I have documented all communication between us in case he takes legal action against me over the house.
.....
I've been going over and over all of the things I could have done differently to avoid this. And there was a lot I could have done better. I should have explored short sales more. Perhaps I should have sold it for a loss (the mortgage was more than what the house was worth). I rehashed decisions made all the way back to 1995 (my favorite life-fork-in-the-road) when I didn't take a new job in California and instead moved back to Washington because the letters being exchanged with the jack-ass I would later marry were getting very sweet.
If I didn't feel so bad about failing on that important commitment, I would have very few regrets about the whole situation. Maybe none! Few people know where I am or even that I moved and I feel more secure with my ex not knowing where I live. The place I'm renting is much smaller (I wanted to downsize so that is good but it has been hard getting rid of things. It's still a work in progress...) and the neighborhood isn't fancy (we're talking bars on the windows) but guess how much of my income goes toward rent now! Right about 30%! And the house is truly adorable, is in town (versus a suburb), and I haven't had a single problem with crime or anything so far. Snugglebunny lives here too! We are trying to have a fresh start.
.....
In the past 12 months my divorce was finalized (FINALLY), I was laid off from a long-term job, and had the house foreclosed on. I'm so tired. And I feel so happy! It feels like there is space to move on now.
Thanks for listening :)
Most of this is probably mentioned in prior posts but here is what happened all in one place:
In Spring of 2008 my husband was laid off from work and a few months later I took a position that was a departure from the career path I wanted because it had better pay and full benefits. In November 2008 hubby left for greener pastures and I stayed in the house because I could afford it easier than he could since I had a job. In hindsight that was one of the dumbest things I have ever done. Fast forward through 3 years of me struggling to make the damn mortgage payment (done terribly... I learned pretty quickly to give preference to keeping the utilities on) and I was laid off. It didn't take long for the mortgage company to get really annoyed with me. I applied for a mortgage modification but since my ex-husband was still on the loan, proof of income was required from him too. But not just one time, they needed monthly updates of pay stubs and bank statements and each time it took longer and longer for my ex to send the information until the application was eventually denied because of missing information. In November I tried again for the mortgage modification. The ex and I had been running into each other out and about and had even exchanged some pleasant text messages so I thought I would have fewer panic attacks when requesting information from him and he would be more receptive to helping out. A week after my first request I sent him a message and he said he had missed that email but that he would get the information to me and that he didn't want the house to go into foreclosure. A week later I sent a reminder. And then more reminders, for six weeks, and he never responded.
In early January I spoke with a housing counselor of sorts and went through my financial information with him. I had my income and monthly expenses memorized from having done so many applications and whatnot. But he presented things in a different way and he asked how much the household income was reduced by the divorce (quite a lot) and then how much was it further reduced when I was laid off and took a part-time position. I was working with about 20% of the income we had. I was trying to pay for the house with next to nothing. He talked about how you should be paying about 30% of your income on housing (the entire mortgage was about 100% of what I was bringing in monthly - I was just paying several hundred a month towards it at this point). And, after first protesting because the mortgage amount was in the right range when I moved in and how could I even afford ANYTHING on 30% of my income, I finally started to get it. I couldn't afford to live there.
On the day when I learned that the bank had bought back the house and there was nothing else that I should or could do about it, I wept for hours because I was so relieved.
.....
It's been a hard time. The strongest feeling has been shame because you are not supposed to lose your house. There's also been a lot of happiness over leaving the house where so many bad things happened.
What has been the most difficult are the feelings about my ex. He is not an idiot and he knew exactly what would happen if the modification wasn't approved. He elected to have a foreclosure on his credit score in order to see me displaced. While not a violent act, his lack of action feels very aggressive. Again, he made sure that I knew he was the one in control. Again, he let me know that I am not capable of doing things correctly.
I don't know what I did to him to cause him to be such a jerk.
I have not said anything to him about it but I have documented all communication between us in case he takes legal action against me over the house.
.....
I've been going over and over all of the things I could have done differently to avoid this. And there was a lot I could have done better. I should have explored short sales more. Perhaps I should have sold it for a loss (the mortgage was more than what the house was worth). I rehashed decisions made all the way back to 1995 (my favorite life-fork-in-the-road) when I didn't take a new job in California and instead moved back to Washington because the letters being exchanged with the jack-ass I would later marry were getting very sweet.
If I didn't feel so bad about failing on that important commitment, I would have very few regrets about the whole situation. Maybe none! Few people know where I am or even that I moved and I feel more secure with my ex not knowing where I live. The place I'm renting is much smaller (I wanted to downsize so that is good but it has been hard getting rid of things. It's still a work in progress...) and the neighborhood isn't fancy (we're talking bars on the windows) but guess how much of my income goes toward rent now! Right about 30%! And the house is truly adorable, is in town (versus a suburb), and I haven't had a single problem with crime or anything so far. Snugglebunny lives here too! We are trying to have a fresh start.
.....
In the past 12 months my divorce was finalized (FINALLY), I was laid off from a long-term job, and had the house foreclosed on. I'm so tired. And I feel so happy! It feels like there is space to move on now.
Thanks for listening :)
Thursday, February 9, 2012
I can see 40 from here!
Tomorrow is my birthday and I turn 37 years old. I was 33 when Toren died and if you had told me back then that I would reach 37 without having a subsequent baby I would not have believed you because I was so focused on making that dream happen that there would be no way I could fail.
Well...
Reaching the milestone of 40 without children seems quite possible now.
.....
A friend brought this sticker back from New Orleans recently
It makes me smile. But seriously, this is something I'm struggling with. My ex-husband outdid himself recently with a new act of douchebaggery and I want him to burn. I am so angry. But I also have a vow to harm none (because who am I to determine what someone else deserves) so I'm wanting bad things for him without wishing bad things for him (which is probably against my vow since I question if there is a line between wanting and wishing), for example, I may want him to have a terrible case of gallstones but I have not asked the universe to please send him a very painful gallbladder attack. Or more directly, I may want all of the windows in his car smashed but I haven't asked anyone to hand me a rock. Yet.
So I've been trying to stop focusing on how much he deserves something horrible to happen to him and instead focus on wonderful things I want for myself. And here's the problem - I can't imagine myself in a situation different from here. This is hard to explain and I don't know if it's normal, or a good coping mechanism, or problematic dissociation, but I don't participate in life as "myself" much anymore. I wanted to be someone else, someone who was good at their job, someone who was supportive of their friends, someone who got up on the right side of the bed, someone who loved. With this in mind I began telling myself to just act like that created image, to just be "her". Like this: I used to like yoga, she likes yoga, if I do yoga I have to do it as her. I can't do yoga, or anything mindful (or practically anything at all), as a person who has some of my experiences. Toren is absent from her past, so is my ex-husband.
Maybe it's a normal way of coping and I don't think I'm hurting anyone, in fact my relationships with friends have strengthened, and I'm doing well at my job. And I feel happy most of the time. And my memory is improving so on some level I think I am more present than I have been in a long time. But I don't feel present as myself - I can see her being present.
Even after all this time I don't seem to have integrated Toren into a comfortable place. I can't function after that experience.
.....
Anyway, after that public moment of insanity, what do you think of the sticker? I'll stick it on the car tomorrow to bring a smile to any divorcees passing by :)
Well...
Reaching the milestone of 40 without children seems quite possible now.
.....
A friend brought this sticker back from New Orleans recently
It makes me smile. But seriously, this is something I'm struggling with. My ex-husband outdid himself recently with a new act of douchebaggery and I want him to burn. I am so angry. But I also have a vow to harm none (because who am I to determine what someone else deserves) so I'm wanting bad things for him without wishing bad things for him (which is probably against my vow since I question if there is a line between wanting and wishing), for example, I may want him to have a terrible case of gallstones but I have not asked the universe to please send him a very painful gallbladder attack. Or more directly, I may want all of the windows in his car smashed but I haven't asked anyone to hand me a rock. Yet.
So I've been trying to stop focusing on how much he deserves something horrible to happen to him and instead focus on wonderful things I want for myself. And here's the problem - I can't imagine myself in a situation different from here. This is hard to explain and I don't know if it's normal, or a good coping mechanism, or problematic dissociation, but I don't participate in life as "myself" much anymore. I wanted to be someone else, someone who was good at their job, someone who was supportive of their friends, someone who got up on the right side of the bed, someone who loved. With this in mind I began telling myself to just act like that created image, to just be "her". Like this: I used to like yoga, she likes yoga, if I do yoga I have to do it as her. I can't do yoga, or anything mindful (or practically anything at all), as a person who has some of my experiences. Toren is absent from her past, so is my ex-husband.
Maybe it's a normal way of coping and I don't think I'm hurting anyone, in fact my relationships with friends have strengthened, and I'm doing well at my job. And I feel happy most of the time. And my memory is improving so on some level I think I am more present than I have been in a long time. But I don't feel present as myself - I can see her being present.
Even after all this time I don't seem to have integrated Toren into a comfortable place. I can't function after that experience.
.....
Anyway, after that public moment of insanity, what do you think of the sticker? I'll stick it on the car tomorrow to bring a smile to any divorcees passing by :)
Monday, January 30, 2012
Last week
At dinner one girlfriend (who knows about what happened with Toren) starts talking about how easy her pregnancy was - "I had the best pregnancy ever." I got up and left the table. I had to tinkle anyway and with the sudden annoying direction the conversation took it seemed like a good time to go right then. When I exited the ladies room my friend was right there, she gave me a hug and asked if I was ok. I said yes, and said that I had one of the worst pregnancies ever ("ever" is an exaggeration but it fit with her prior words and the pregnancy was not easy and it ended very poorly). There was no more pregnancy conversation that night. It was nice of her to check on me.
That's a good example of what the grief has turned into, for the most part. Not destroying. Not all consuming. Not evening ruining or grudge holding. But I'm also not going to sit quietly through conversations that are uncomfortable for me when I don't have to.
Today
I returned to my desk at work while two colleagues were in the middle of complaining about how messy their kids were (they don't know about my reproductive history). Not a problem, they talk about their children a lot and I inquire about their kids too. Then one said that I should have children and that a person really misses out on a lot by not having kids. Sort of a problem, this is not a conversation I want to have so I let them know that I've been trying but I don't seem able to conceive, thinking this will bring an abrupt end to the topic. I next hear how one of them had trouble conceiving but ended up with three. Further, she was the "poster child" of infertility and almost resorted to a donor (not sure if donor eggs or sperm) but she told herself that she could do it and voila! three kids! Now, we have a problem, they were still talking (not directly to me but more like discussing the topic I didn't mean to start to each other, loud enough for me to hear, ok, so they kind of were talking to me...) and I got up and left the office. I was about to take a shipment to the mail room anyway.
On the way back I stopped in a downstairs restroom and cried and cried then stopped by the cafeteria to get my usual lunch where one of the guys at the salad bar encouraged me to smile (usually I'm happy and bouncy at work) then returned to my desk where my office mates were super friendly and I answered questions about what was new with me and whatnot with nothing is new and everything is going well with my project at work. All smiles and blatantly not going to whatever place led to all of my make-up washing away.
I'm the newish one at the office and I'm friendly but not forthcoming with personal details. I'm the youngest one there but only by three years. I don't come into work with reports about driving kids to a bunch of activities but that isn't by choice. Just because I don't have stories about my family to tell doesn't mean that I don't have experience with family building - I actually have plenty of experience but there's just very little to show for all of the effort expended.
I'm very aware of how much I'm missing out on.
At dinner one girlfriend (who knows about what happened with Toren) starts talking about how easy her pregnancy was - "I had the best pregnancy ever." I got up and left the table. I had to tinkle anyway and with the sudden annoying direction the conversation took it seemed like a good time to go right then. When I exited the ladies room my friend was right there, she gave me a hug and asked if I was ok. I said yes, and said that I had one of the worst pregnancies ever ("ever" is an exaggeration but it fit with her prior words and the pregnancy was not easy and it ended very poorly). There was no more pregnancy conversation that night. It was nice of her to check on me.
That's a good example of what the grief has turned into, for the most part. Not destroying. Not all consuming. Not evening ruining or grudge holding. But I'm also not going to sit quietly through conversations that are uncomfortable for me when I don't have to.
Today
I returned to my desk at work while two colleagues were in the middle of complaining about how messy their kids were (they don't know about my reproductive history). Not a problem, they talk about their children a lot and I inquire about their kids too. Then one said that I should have children and that a person really misses out on a lot by not having kids. Sort of a problem, this is not a conversation I want to have so I let them know that I've been trying but I don't seem able to conceive, thinking this will bring an abrupt end to the topic. I next hear how one of them had trouble conceiving but ended up with three. Further, she was the "poster child" of infertility and almost resorted to a donor (not sure if donor eggs or sperm) but she told herself that she could do it and voila! three kids! Now, we have a problem, they were still talking (not directly to me but more like discussing the topic I didn't mean to start to each other, loud enough for me to hear, ok, so they kind of were talking to me...) and I got up and left the office. I was about to take a shipment to the mail room anyway.
On the way back I stopped in a downstairs restroom and cried and cried then stopped by the cafeteria to get my usual lunch where one of the guys at the salad bar encouraged me to smile (usually I'm happy and bouncy at work) then returned to my desk where my office mates were super friendly and I answered questions about what was new with me and whatnot with nothing is new and everything is going well with my project at work. All smiles and blatantly not going to whatever place led to all of my make-up washing away.
I'm the newish one at the office and I'm friendly but not forthcoming with personal details. I'm the youngest one there but only by three years. I don't come into work with reports about driving kids to a bunch of activities but that isn't by choice. Just because I don't have stories about my family to tell doesn't mean that I don't have experience with family building - I actually have plenty of experience but there's just very little to show for all of the effort expended.
I'm very aware of how much I'm missing out on.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Moving on, but in what direction?
Sometimes it feels like all we do is have discussions and cry. We both miss how our relationship was when we didn't live together and Monday he said he would move out and we will try to get back to how things were. Having him move out was exactly what I was wanting to happen, however it was so painful to hear him say those words. So it made for a rough afternoon. We decided he should wait until I found some housemates.
That evening we went to a movie to kill time then came home and had sex after which I immediately started hoping for a pregnancy.
I'm giving myself mixed messages.
This situation is not going to have a final answer anytime soon. Seriously, I do not have a clue about relationships.
So, the good news is that we have been getting along fantastically again! His mood perks up with pep talks so maybe I just need to give him frequent nudges to be happy and responsible.
.....
It is such a relief having Christmas now in the past. It was a lovely day! At the same time it was so far from how I want things to be.
Rather than clinging to the idea that Christmas has to be a certain way with lots of tradition I'm going to make sure to include doing something new every year. There will probably always be special breakfast and dinner with family or close friends (mostly because there's eating involved and I'm a huge fan of that), the tree will probably always be put up too, but maybe I'll use different decorations someday. I guess the point is that I want to approach each year with less rigidity so when changes come along I can see that as a chance to try something new rather than worrying about how to recreate the changed factor somewhere else.
There's still this idea that Toren should be here to open presents. And my husband should be here to make his special coffee for breakfast and to spoil us. We should have a second child by now. The bottom couple of feet of the tree should be free from my glass ornaments, in fact the whole tree should be decorated with adorable ornaments that Toren and his sibling(s) would hold and play with and declare specific ones as their favorites.
All of that is not going to happen. And as my maternal age advances further it's time to start making a backup plan to still be able to enjoy holidays, or any day, child-free.
I can't think about it anymore right now.
.....
Anyway, here is how I like my tree decorated - a glorious, monochromatic heap of silver, white, and black glass. And there's the velvet tree skirt that I made last month :)
Snugglebunny is allowed to help decorate it but he understands that I will move things around as "necessary". It all must be visually balanced. It must be perfect! And if someday all of the sharp objects and choking hazards are removed to accommodate the curious ways of toddlers, if colorful, durable ornaments are placed on the tree only as high as young children can reach, leaving the top half bare, that will be perfect too.
That evening we went to a movie to kill time then came home and had sex after which I immediately started hoping for a pregnancy.
I'm giving myself mixed messages.
This situation is not going to have a final answer anytime soon. Seriously, I do not have a clue about relationships.
So, the good news is that we have been getting along fantastically again! His mood perks up with pep talks so maybe I just need to give him frequent nudges to be happy and responsible.
.....
It is such a relief having Christmas now in the past. It was a lovely day! At the same time it was so far from how I want things to be.
Rather than clinging to the idea that Christmas has to be a certain way with lots of tradition I'm going to make sure to include doing something new every year. There will probably always be special breakfast and dinner with family or close friends (mostly because there's eating involved and I'm a huge fan of that), the tree will probably always be put up too, but maybe I'll use different decorations someday. I guess the point is that I want to approach each year with less rigidity so when changes come along I can see that as a chance to try something new rather than worrying about how to recreate the changed factor somewhere else.
There's still this idea that Toren should be here to open presents. And my husband should be here to make his special coffee for breakfast and to spoil us. We should have a second child by now. The bottom couple of feet of the tree should be free from my glass ornaments, in fact the whole tree should be decorated with adorable ornaments that Toren and his sibling(s) would hold and play with and declare specific ones as their favorites.
All of that is not going to happen. And as my maternal age advances further it's time to start making a backup plan to still be able to enjoy holidays, or any day, child-free.
I can't think about it anymore right now.
.....
Anyway, here is how I like my tree decorated - a glorious, monochromatic heap of silver, white, and black glass. And there's the velvet tree skirt that I made last month :)
Snugglebunny is allowed to help decorate it but he understands that I will move things around as "necessary". It all must be visually balanced. It must be perfect! And if someday all of the sharp objects and choking hazards are removed to accommodate the curious ways of toddlers, if colorful, durable ornaments are placed on the tree only as high as young children can reach, leaving the top half bare, that will be perfect too.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
You definitely know those moments when everything changes.
How about those thoughts that are so innocuous by themselves but all of a sudden you know that they can't be un-thought and things have changed now? I keep saying how I want to leave behind this house of memories and that I'm jealous that my husband got out of here. But it wasn't until about an hour ago that I thought about moving to a specific location. You can want to leave all you like but if you don't have anywhere to go it's harder to make that happen. My mom is talking about moving to Utah soon. I rather like Salt Lake City. I could move.
And it would be just me (and the cats), I would not invite my boyfriend. It feels absolutely horrible to convert that thought into a form of communication. I wouldn't be able to say it out loud.
Things have really not turned out as expected. Living together was supposed to be beautiful but instead there's too much of me supporting him financially, him being possessive, and way too many promises for the future that never seem to make it out of idea form. I am pretty miserable after one year of it and I don't know how to get out of living with him. He knows exactly what to say to get me to give it all another chance. I do love him and care deeply for him but more and more feel like this relationship is not going in the intended direction.
At what point is it sensible to say that the things you are doing are simply not working? Maybe it's time to stop trying to bend things to be how I want them. Maybe it's time to let the backyard remain swing set free. Maybe it's time to stop willing this to be a family home. Maybe it's time to move back in with my mother.
How about those thoughts that are so innocuous by themselves but all of a sudden you know that they can't be un-thought and things have changed now? I keep saying how I want to leave behind this house of memories and that I'm jealous that my husband got out of here. But it wasn't until about an hour ago that I thought about moving to a specific location. You can want to leave all you like but if you don't have anywhere to go it's harder to make that happen. My mom is talking about moving to Utah soon. I rather like Salt Lake City. I could move.
And it would be just me (and the cats), I would not invite my boyfriend. It feels absolutely horrible to convert that thought into a form of communication. I wouldn't be able to say it out loud.
Things have really not turned out as expected. Living together was supposed to be beautiful but instead there's too much of me supporting him financially, him being possessive, and way too many promises for the future that never seem to make it out of idea form. I am pretty miserable after one year of it and I don't know how to get out of living with him. He knows exactly what to say to get me to give it all another chance. I do love him and care deeply for him but more and more feel like this relationship is not going in the intended direction.
At what point is it sensible to say that the things you are doing are simply not working? Maybe it's time to stop trying to bend things to be how I want them. Maybe it's time to let the backyard remain swing set free. Maybe it's time to stop willing this to be a family home. Maybe it's time to move back in with my mother.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Well. The holiday's are here. I kind of changed my mind about taking a lot of drugs this winter.
In the past 5-6 weeks I have:
- read 4 books
- painted two rooms in my house
- made the tree skirt that I bought all the fabric for four years ago
- hosted Thanksgiving dinner
- made 20 tree ornaments (hand sculpted from polymer clay and painted)
All in addition to the normal stuff so that's quite a bit of activity for me! What changed? I ran out of antidepressants and since I still don't have health insurance going to see my doctor for a prescription refill is out of my budget.
I have a history of depression and anxiety and it was over 4 years ago, on the day of Toren's birth defect diagnosis, when my ob/gyn questioned me about it and gave me handfuls of Lex.apro sample packets before leaving her office. I think I took the first pill in the parking lot. Eight days and one delivery of a stillborn later Xan.ax was added to the mix. Over the past 4 years I have also taken lithium, trazodone, cym.balta, wel.butrin, clonazepam, and there may have been one more that I can't remember right now, in varying combinations and doses.
It is incredible to FEEL again! And it is wonderful to have some energy. When I feel happy now it's an un-muted sense of joy that feels so genuine that sometimes I think I could burst! But the low moods are also untempered.
It's seems like there isn't a good solution to depression. Medication numbs all emotions. It feels like I haven't really been alive for the past 4 years, which is kind of good considering some of the things that happened, and now I would like be unmedicated but I don't know how long I can handle the dark moods.
.....
I sat down to write tonight after being overwhelmed by a wave of envy of women who have spouses or reliable boyfriends. While married I didn't realize just how great it was to have someone to share the burdens of the stuff life tosses at you. Being divorced and self-sufficient is good too but there are some things I struggle to handle and I wish I had some help.
.....
I've been out and about more which means running into my ex and he has said some messed up things to me, most of which I started to tell you about but those writings are still drafts in blogging limbo. Just two days ago he emailed asking if he could have any Christmas decorations I wasn't using. This will be our fourth Christmas apart and it's really confusing and upsetting for him to ask for items of our holiday's together after so much time has passed. There are more things I'm getting rid of and I said he could have those but I'm suspecting he was looking for something specific that I don't have (a family item that I never had, I think they forgot who actually possessed it) because he stopped replying after a while. He's moving soon. Back across the country. Instead of feeling relief that I wouldn't see him out anymore I feel so much sadness that the rift between us will never be repaired and also I'm so jealous that he gets to leave, again. I would love to just walk away from this house and the memories that have built up here.
.....
This feels like an unfinished thought but since drafts are way outnumbering published posts I'm just going to publish this now.
How are the holiday's treating you?
In the past 5-6 weeks I have:
- read 4 books
- painted two rooms in my house
- made the tree skirt that I bought all the fabric for four years ago
- hosted Thanksgiving dinner
- made 20 tree ornaments (hand sculpted from polymer clay and painted)
All in addition to the normal stuff so that's quite a bit of activity for me! What changed? I ran out of antidepressants and since I still don't have health insurance going to see my doctor for a prescription refill is out of my budget.
I have a history of depression and anxiety and it was over 4 years ago, on the day of Toren's birth defect diagnosis, when my ob/gyn questioned me about it and gave me handfuls of Lex.apro sample packets before leaving her office. I think I took the first pill in the parking lot. Eight days and one delivery of a stillborn later Xan.ax was added to the mix. Over the past 4 years I have also taken lithium, trazodone, cym.balta, wel.butrin, clonazepam, and there may have been one more that I can't remember right now, in varying combinations and doses.
It is incredible to FEEL again! And it is wonderful to have some energy. When I feel happy now it's an un-muted sense of joy that feels so genuine that sometimes I think I could burst! But the low moods are also untempered.
It's seems like there isn't a good solution to depression. Medication numbs all emotions. It feels like I haven't really been alive for the past 4 years, which is kind of good considering some of the things that happened, and now I would like be unmedicated but I don't know how long I can handle the dark moods.
.....
I sat down to write tonight after being overwhelmed by a wave of envy of women who have spouses or reliable boyfriends. While married I didn't realize just how great it was to have someone to share the burdens of the stuff life tosses at you. Being divorced and self-sufficient is good too but there are some things I struggle to handle and I wish I had some help.
.....
I've been out and about more which means running into my ex and he has said some messed up things to me, most of which I started to tell you about but those writings are still drafts in blogging limbo. Just two days ago he emailed asking if he could have any Christmas decorations I wasn't using. This will be our fourth Christmas apart and it's really confusing and upsetting for him to ask for items of our holiday's together after so much time has passed. There are more things I'm getting rid of and I said he could have those but I'm suspecting he was looking for something specific that I don't have (a family item that I never had, I think they forgot who actually possessed it) because he stopped replying after a while. He's moving soon. Back across the country. Instead of feeling relief that I wouldn't see him out anymore I feel so much sadness that the rift between us will never be repaired and also I'm so jealous that he gets to leave, again. I would love to just walk away from this house and the memories that have built up here.
.....
This feels like an unfinished thought but since drafts are way outnumbering published posts I'm just going to publish this now.
How are the holiday's treating you?
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