That doesn't hurt

Breathe! So much progress has been made!

It wasn't an agonizing stab - just a twinge and a subtle tightening in my chest ... it has to suck to be exhausted from feeding your child during the night and working full time during the day but it makes my head spin to hear complaints of how this woman's husband is not open to taking over some night feedings. It's hard to hear of feeding a baby as a chore when so many other people would consider it a luxury.

...........

Earlier this week, while in the shower worrying about getting intimate with boys because I'm heavier than I like, the usual "I don't like my body" thought was immediately followed by "I actually DO like my body!".

And I do! There are parts that don't conform to what is advertised as desirable but if I didn't worry about other people judging my shape I'd be rather satisfied with my appearance and my weight wouldn't be something I'd worry over much.

There still have been a few times since then where I've felt that familiar shame and even wondered if I should apologize - I'm sorry these tiny breasts aren't perkier. I'm sorry about the squishy tummy, it used to be so tight before Toren came and died and now I'm still so tired.

Body image is so complex! Any thoughts? Have you embraced your shape or any other features that could be considered "flaws"?

............

I'm seeing someone exclusively now; exactly one of the things I said I would never do. Why? Because I want to spend my free time with him, he's really nice to me, I have a good time with him, and most of the time I feel very comfortable around him - which is amazing since I'm so often uncomfortable.

You know how some walls must be lowered in order to get to know someone better? That is terrifying. When he says something sweet I tend to revert to a joke or silence. I can't really hear what he says because it's so hurtful to find out you've been lied to and it's so hurtful when true sentiments one day take an about face. Funny how kind words and gestures are so painful right now.

............

Another baby boy was born to a colleague.

A young woman at the nail salon asked what the date on my necklace signified and I told her the truth. She asked some thoughtful questions and I gently told her about his death and the end of my marriage - gently because I felt bad telling someone so young how sad life can become.

I wear the necklace everyday to work but no one here has ever asked about it.

This has been an incredibly unusual week.

Ready for a rant?

To the ex:

ASSHOLE!

For fucks sake, what makes you think it is ok to call me at work to talk about the DIY divorce packages you have found on-line and how we have already talked about "everything".

Blink, blink.... excuse me... we have already talked about what? Because from where I sit we haven't talked about one goddamned thing!

Discussing the division of property/debt will be easy, the conversation that seems impossible to have is the one where he says why he suddenly checked out and ripped our life apart with no tangible warning. Yes, we had a very, very bad year but he said he just wanted space ... he said I didn't have to worry, I just had to wait for him to come around again. And yes, we had enormous problems before with all of his fucking I love you's and fucking around on the sly and all of the fucking lies and fucking dumb ass me believing that one day he would understand that it was wrong to cheat on me when he loved me. That he would stop loving me instead of becoming devoted to me never crossed my mind.

Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid Girl.

Why does this hurt? I never believed that he meant "separated", I knew that was his way of saying "divorce". Intellectually, I knew he was never coming back and I knew it would not be smart of me to get back together with him if he asked for it, but part of me still waits for him to truly love me.

How do I wrap my mind around my best friend leaving me?

How do I accept that the years worth of I love you's were untrue without my heart being crushed further?

How do I find a shred of self-respect when I put up with so much and just ended up getting so hurt?

How can I ever believe that other people actually like me when the person I was closest to didn't seem to really like me?

.............

I had a mostly productive day at work ...

In a year or so, this will slip into the sea

Two years ago today Toren was just a vague wish ... just a hope for the future.

Contraception had ceased, prenatal vitamins commenced, and actively trying to conceive was planned for the upcoming winter. Meanwhile, I had been been feeling ill for a couple of weeks - nauseous, bloated, gloomy. On August 13, 2007, after listening to my frustrating and on-going symptoms a friend asked if I could be pregnant and while I thought it was unlikely, I picked up a pregnancy test on my way home from work anyway. Of course, that turned out to be positive and of course it turned out dismally.

But that was two years ago tomorrow. Two years ago today I had had a great summer with family visiting to attend my graduation, a trip to Seattle, plenty of time sitting by the neighborhood pool, and hanging out with friends. And then I felt sick for weeks, then so happy and excited, then so loved, then so worried, then so utterly heartbroken. And heartbroken is where I've remained.

One year ago today I was unexpectedly overwhelmed by tears from realizing that it had been a year since Toren hadn't been the primary topic of my thoughts. Now it's been two years since I felt the lightness of not worrying over him or missing him. Last year I wrote this:

"What I would give for thoughts from my self a year from now. Next August 12 will I be remarking on how much beauty and joy has entered my life or will it be another shell shocked statement of "didn't see that coming"?"

Well Anna from the past, if you could have heard your thoughts from the future, this is what you would have been told ...

You will still be a bit shell shocked from living another year without Toren and a good portion of a year without your husband - yes, he will leave your ass without hardly a word. But by August 12, 2009 you will also be so thankful for the joy that entered your life. You never would have believed that housemates would be a good situation for you but it is so great having C and L around! Also, you will spend this terrorversary with a boy - he's nice and fun to be around and tonight we see if he can cook.

.............

It's been a lousy year; the end of my marriage was so painful. But interspersed with sorrow is happiness. I'm so thankful.

.............

Tonight I see this guy for the third time; he's making me dinner. He is fun to be around and if we keep having a good time I'll definitely sleep with him and I'll be so good to him, but I will not confide in him, fall in love with him, need him, or see only him. I'm no longer that kind of girl.

...........

I like to listen to this LOUDLY

Space

Years ago I read a magazine article that talked about creating space in your life for the things you want. For instance, say your winter coat is old and needs replacing but you keep wearing it on cold days because you haven't seriously searched for a new coat, and you haven't looked for a new coat because you still have the old coat. And you can't give away the old coat until you have a replacement, right? The article suggested getting rid of the old coat first because that creates space in your closet and life for something new.

For 21 months I've maintained heart-space and house-space for Toren. He will have his heart-space with me until the end of time but his house-space is gone. The almost-nursery is no longer waiting for the boy who can't come home.

Surprisingly, it's comforting to see the boxes that housemate L has already brought over stacked against the wall that never framed a crib. It's a relief that the space is no longer waiting to be filled.

On Saturday L and C move in. Fingers crossed that this will be a very positive change.

.....................

I'm doing badly ... I'm grateful for my new housemates and that I'm moving forward, but I really wanted Toren to live here, I really wanted my family to fill this house.

A while ago, stunned by how quickly a happy, hopeful life can turn horrific, I begged the Universe to release me from this hell ... I prayed for a change. The change is coming before I'm fully ready - there's still a part that can't accept that life continues after so much sorrow, there is still a part waiting for the nightmare to end in a reality that includes my baby safe and sound and my husband happy and present.

Anyway, a song to say goodbye

Crying in a good way

Have you seen the wedding entrance dance on Youtoob? It is so cute and sweet.

I wish I may, I wish I might

I wish to be someone else.

It's just one of those days where I crave company with people who "get it". I don't need to retell Toren's story, or cry over how much I miss my husband and son, I just don't want to have to smile and pretend like it's a great day anymore.

Relationships and boys

Twelve years ago today I got married. I was 22. We met at a high school dance when I was 16 and he was 14. After being in each others lives for 17 years he said we were not compatible. He was right, but that doesn't make it not hurt.

It's hard to lose your spouse and best friend at the same time.

I've not thought about it too much today though. More hours have been spent thinking about the men I am virtually meeting through a dating site some friends signed me up for (I've even been asked out on a date already! but I told him I'll go only if we get to know each other better on-line first). But the prospect of dating is very painful too. It's an active step in moving away from the life I wanted.

I don't like being so alone but it's hard to imagine myself meeting new people or being intimate with someone new. It's hard to be someone more than a deadbaby mama and a woman totally dumped by her husband, after all, if the person who knew me best left with hardly a word how good of a person am I? My last couple of intimate times were disastrous so there's zero confidence there. And I look like I've been through hell.

Anyway, inspired by Grace's positive attitude:

Today I am doing better because instead of dwelling on the past I thought about what I want in the future.

I guess I just wanted to say brace yourself for frequent freak outs and bring on your best dating advice!!!

For you musical theater fans, here's a theme song as this deadbaby mama starts to tiptoe back into public ;)