Most of my energy is spent with work lately and it's so draining that when I'm not there I collapse. Crossing my fingers and wishing on stars for a happy solution.
Anyhoo, here are some random thoughts
Last night I dreamt that I delivered a living, full-term but teeny tiny boy - Toren, or at least Toren's size - and my mother was babysitting. When I arrived she had a house full of guests for a pool party and I couldn't find my baby and I couldn't find my mother to ask where she had put him down for a nap. There was no panic involved, I just asked people if they knew where my son was. It's like he's always safe and nearby but I can't get to him.
The weather yesterday was LOVELY and SnuggleBunny and I spent hours outside working on the yard. This year I'll be maintaining and adding to the butterfly garden, then there will be the two vegetable gardens, and I'm starting the pixie garden! The pixie garden will be filled with strange plants, tons of flowers, and cute, shiny decor. SnuggleBunny totally gets my vision for it and was even pinched by a "pixie" while clearing out dead branches (there was nothing there when he turned around). It's an unusual space. I'll take some photos of the transformation.
On Saturday I had a PTSD response to a friend telling me she and her sweet boyfriend were planning to have a baby. I'm happy for her, truly happy and I think it is a great idea for them. But the news still led to isolation, hours of weeping, and an early bedtime for me. At least I can recognize that I'm reacting to old trauma when my mood shifts so dramatically but that still doesn't stop it from happening yet. I wonder if this response is limited to hearing about other people's babies or if freaky moods will happen if I'm ever pregnant again myself. Will finally getting a child of my own ease that response?
Yesterday was day one of the second to last Nu.va Ring. There are 48 days until the last one is removed and that is when I want to stop taking birth control. Plenty could change during that time so it's not a firm plan, in fact SnuggleBunny doesn't even know the plan, so I guess that conversation should happen soon. But for 48 days I intend to focus on happy things, being healthy, and being responsible, because maybe it will be time for a rainbow.
That's all. So sorry for the totally random post and the lack of commenting (still!). I miss you all and hope that more time to contemplate, read, and write will arrive soon.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
OMG, just say SOMETHING
Being quiet here is kind of just the tip of the iceberg; I've been quiet everywhere, virtually and IRL. I've been reading a little and commenting hardly at all and I miss you all so much.
Rather than the injection of joy I was expecting, depression has been crushing me since SnuggleBunny moved in last month. I can't tell what the problem is. Perhaps these would have been depressing holidays regardless of having my boyfriend move in, but very quietly I'm wondering if I'm going to ruin this relationship. He is very patient though and this is a huge change so I'm still hopeful that our living together will work out well.
It's time to consciously stop isolating so much though, so here's an update on things I wouldn't tell anyone else:
1. The stock of nu.va rings in my fridge is down to 2 and if I actually want to get pregnant this year perhaps it's a good idea to not get any refills on that prescription. Two. That creates some pressure since it would be best to not be so depressed, or at least know what is behind the depression because if longing for a child is making me this sad, then trying for pregnancy could be a good thing. Having this un-firm time limit is overwhelming at moments but also exciting. Very exciting at times.
2. This morning I ordered the following books
Trying Again - because I may be preparing to try again (but I could still chicken out!)
Momma Zen - in case trying again turns successful
Hand Wash Cold - because it may have things to think about even if trying again is not successful
and a 5 year diary of my very own, inspired by Her Five Year Diary, which is completely delightful even though the entries are pretty mundane so far. I can't wait to start recording the boring highlights of my days!
3. I started a photo blog but haven't made a post yet. There are several motivating factors behind this, first I am so fucking depressed that I hoped having a goal of taking photos would be a fun and positive thing to do. Even taking photos that put an image to depression would at least be interacting with the world. Also, I wanted to have a blog to share with real life family and friends so I could honestly express thoughts and feelings to them, but I may not be comfortable with this. Why is it so hard to open up to family sometimes? Recently my dad told me about one of the ladies in his neighborhood who has been very depressed lately and how he makes sure that she is doing ok and that she knows that people care about her. He said this reminded him of me since I had gone through depression recently. Since he thought I had beat depression, I didn't know how to tell him that I had hardly answered the phone or emails for weeks because I was too busy isolating. Is it fair to my family to keep them in the dark about how I'm doing? Is it fair to me to cut off that potential source of support?
Eh, I'm out of words again. How about some photos from winter?
*****
This is Toren's ornament collection. See the lovely blue one with Toren's name painted on it? It's from Jenn :) Many, many thanks to Jenn for thinking of Toren!
Memorial bricks placed in garden
Gluten free, cranberry apple pie on Christmas day - yum!
Rather than the injection of joy I was expecting, depression has been crushing me since SnuggleBunny moved in last month. I can't tell what the problem is. Perhaps these would have been depressing holidays regardless of having my boyfriend move in, but very quietly I'm wondering if I'm going to ruin this relationship. He is very patient though and this is a huge change so I'm still hopeful that our living together will work out well.
It's time to consciously stop isolating so much though, so here's an update on things I wouldn't tell anyone else:
1. The stock of nu.va rings in my fridge is down to 2 and if I actually want to get pregnant this year perhaps it's a good idea to not get any refills on that prescription. Two. That creates some pressure since it would be best to not be so depressed, or at least know what is behind the depression because if longing for a child is making me this sad, then trying for pregnancy could be a good thing. Having this un-firm time limit is overwhelming at moments but also exciting. Very exciting at times.
2. This morning I ordered the following books
Trying Again - because I may be preparing to try again (but I could still chicken out!)
Momma Zen - in case trying again turns successful
Hand Wash Cold - because it may have things to think about even if trying again is not successful
and a 5 year diary of my very own, inspired by Her Five Year Diary, which is completely delightful even though the entries are pretty mundane so far. I can't wait to start recording the boring highlights of my days!
3. I started a photo blog but haven't made a post yet. There are several motivating factors behind this, first I am so fucking depressed that I hoped having a goal of taking photos would be a fun and positive thing to do. Even taking photos that put an image to depression would at least be interacting with the world. Also, I wanted to have a blog to share with real life family and friends so I could honestly express thoughts and feelings to them, but I may not be comfortable with this. Why is it so hard to open up to family sometimes? Recently my dad told me about one of the ladies in his neighborhood who has been very depressed lately and how he makes sure that she is doing ok and that she knows that people care about her. He said this reminded him of me since I had gone through depression recently. Since he thought I had beat depression, I didn't know how to tell him that I had hardly answered the phone or emails for weeks because I was too busy isolating. Is it fair to my family to keep them in the dark about how I'm doing? Is it fair to me to cut off that potential source of support?
Eh, I'm out of words again. How about some photos from winter?
*****
This is Toren's ornament collection. See the lovely blue one with Toren's name painted on it? It's from Jenn :) Many, many thanks to Jenn for thinking of Toren!
Memorial bricks placed in garden
Gluten free, cranberry apple pie on Christmas day - yum!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
In so many ways the grief of losing Toren has eased. Time doesn't heal but doing grief work helps you learn to live with devastating sorrow, so as time progresses you feel better in a lot of ways. With an air of confidence and shallow expertise, people on the outside consider this "time" "healing" wounds.
This is the 4th Christmas since Toren died but instead of feeling the progressive sense of relief that time is supposed to bring, I feel so angry and sad.
5 Christmases ago, in 2006, I silently smiled to myself and thought that the number of holiday's spent with just my husband and I were almost over. One year after that we were both reeling and numb from our son's death. The next Christmas I was one month out from hubby abandoning our sinking ship of a marriage and from being hospitalized for a suicide attempt. Again I was numb.
Last year the holiday was spent with my sweet new boyfriend :) He moved in last weekend! However he's been away for work for 2 weeks so things have not been as fun as anticipated.
At times I feel so much peace and so much relief those very, very hard years are in the past. I am lucky. I am loved. But then I'm also pretty damn pissed off to be spending another Christmas without children!
*****
I had wanted 3 children, and would have had to have them almost back to back given my advancing maternal age (ugh!). So had things gone according to plan, Toren would be a few months shy of 3 years old right now, and he would have a sibling, and plans for the third baby would be in progress. This parallel life makes this holiday feel so quiet. And it is a reminder that I probably will not have time to birth 3 living children, and even though I don't want that many anymore, it is still a dream to wave goodbye to.
*****
If I don't have a baby on the way next Christmas (that looks like it will live), I am going to freak out.
Freak. Out.
*****
How are y'all holding up this holiday season?
This is the 4th Christmas since Toren died but instead of feeling the progressive sense of relief that time is supposed to bring, I feel so angry and sad.
5 Christmases ago, in 2006, I silently smiled to myself and thought that the number of holiday's spent with just my husband and I were almost over. One year after that we were both reeling and numb from our son's death. The next Christmas I was one month out from hubby abandoning our sinking ship of a marriage and from being hospitalized for a suicide attempt. Again I was numb.
Last year the holiday was spent with my sweet new boyfriend :) He moved in last weekend! However he's been away for work for 2 weeks so things have not been as fun as anticipated.
At times I feel so much peace and so much relief those very, very hard years are in the past. I am lucky. I am loved. But then I'm also pretty damn pissed off to be spending another Christmas without children!
*****
I had wanted 3 children, and would have had to have them almost back to back given my advancing maternal age (ugh!). So had things gone according to plan, Toren would be a few months shy of 3 years old right now, and he would have a sibling, and plans for the third baby would be in progress. This parallel life makes this holiday feel so quiet. And it is a reminder that I probably will not have time to birth 3 living children, and even though I don't want that many anymore, it is still a dream to wave goodbye to.
*****
If I don't have a baby on the way next Christmas (that looks like it will live), I am going to freak out.
Freak. Out.
*****
How are y'all holding up this holiday season?
Thursday, December 9, 2010
The woman at the cafe counter was very kind to me today and called me "Sweetie". Was this inspired by a recent customer service pep-talk, something joyful in her life, or a compassionate reaction to my face that is blotchy and red from weeping through a therapy session? After 3 years of productive therapy how is there still anything to cry about?
Monday, November 22, 2010
Telling someone about Toren has happened twice in the past 6 days, which is very weird because it is not easy to work a deadbaby into a conversation, as you all well know. I didn't ever use his name; most people do not ask about his name.
Today I found out that the person I told last week is pregnant with her second baby. Why do I feel like an idiot for telling her something so personal now that I know that she knew that she was pregnant at the time? I hope it didn't scare her. But also, a moment where I may have "connected" with someone doesn't seem that way at all anymore since she is carrying life while I'm a bearer of death. Opposites. One is clearly inferior.
*****
The plan for today was to happily tell you that the papers for my divorce were filed, but DH (Damn Husband, in this case) flaked out again. This shouldn't have been a surprise or a disappointment, but it was both. I contacted him last week to prod him along and promptly got sick and spent 2.5 days in bed. I often get sick after contacting him. Illness brought on by exposure to Agent Ex. And the funny thing is I was almost at the point where I felt mostly compassion towards him and I was working on kind of the last emotional barrier which was being able to wish a happy life for him. I could feel not-anger towards him, but I still wanted to be happier than he is, but it would be so freeing to wish blessings on him just like he were a normal person, you know? But now I'm just super annoyed and I do not feel fondly towards him AT ALL right now.
And for anyone who is struggling with ewwwy feelings towards their ex don't feel like you have to feel compassion towards the jerk, I got close only by the grace of Cym.ba.lta.
Today I found out that the person I told last week is pregnant with her second baby. Why do I feel like an idiot for telling her something so personal now that I know that she knew that she was pregnant at the time? I hope it didn't scare her. But also, a moment where I may have "connected" with someone doesn't seem that way at all anymore since she is carrying life while I'm a bearer of death. Opposites. One is clearly inferior.
*****
The plan for today was to happily tell you that the papers for my divorce were filed, but DH (Damn Husband, in this case) flaked out again. This shouldn't have been a surprise or a disappointment, but it was both. I contacted him last week to prod him along and promptly got sick and spent 2.5 days in bed. I often get sick after contacting him. Illness brought on by exposure to Agent Ex. And the funny thing is I was almost at the point where I felt mostly compassion towards him and I was working on kind of the last emotional barrier which was being able to wish a happy life for him. I could feel not-anger towards him, but I still wanted to be happier than he is, but it would be so freeing to wish blessings on him just like he were a normal person, you know? But now I'm just super annoyed and I do not feel fondly towards him AT ALL right now.
And for anyone who is struggling with ewwwy feelings towards their ex don't feel like you have to feel compassion towards the jerk, I got close only by the grace of Cym.ba.lta.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Tonight is the annual candle lighting service for the SHARE group here. It's a really special time. Everyone brings a candle and says a few words when lighting them. We also decorate a tree to donate to a local hospital so everyone brings an ornament in memory of their baby. I buy two now, one for the tree and one to keep, since the first year I couldn't leave Toren's ornament behind. We can also bring mementos.
This morning I packed up Toren's dinosaur memory box with the dinosaur pajamas, stuffed dinosaur, a candle, the ornaments (yes, both so I can actually have one to hold on the way home). Then I decide to bring his little hat and some photos. I wanted to print off some pictures instead of bring any Polaroids or ultrasound photos, because those are irreplaceable.
I don't look at the disc of photos taken by the hospital often but when I do I scroll through them over and over and it seems like there are so many! Today I noticed that they are all numbered 1 through 17. That's not a lot of photos considering there will never be more pictures taken of Toren. Seventeen digital photos, about 6 Polaroids, and a handful of ultrasound pictures as proof that he was here for a little while. The photos printed off dim and hazy, hopefully just indicating that the ink is low, but that's how those days in the hospital to deliver feel - hazy. The visual memories are all a blur of soft edges and muted colors. The physical memories are sharp - stabbing contractions, my heart feeling like it was being squeezed, wrung out, twisted apart.
When it was time to leave the hospital after delivering I couldn't even imagine leaving Toren behind. You know what it's like. Even now I don't know how I walked out of that room. Even now I don't think I'm strong enough to leave him behind like that. I think I was given some Xanax. I put on sunglasses before leaving the room, not because I was ashamed of puffy, red eyes full of tears, but because I needed a barrier so that there would be no risk of making eye contact with anyone.
Even though I get very anxious about Toren's things when they are away from the house, the dinosaur box stayed in the car while I went to my office. Then there was a small fire in my building. Sitting outside waiting for news I imagined the fire engulfing the building and leaping over to the parking garage putting Toren's irreplaceable hat at risk of burning up! Even though the fire was probably extinguished already and the parking garage is concrete and not very flammable, my heart started beating faster and faster and my throat tightened. To rescue myself, I rescued the dinosaur box from the absent flames.
And that is how I came to be sitting at my desk with the dinosaur box sitting at my left elbow.
This morning I packed up Toren's dinosaur memory box with the dinosaur pajamas, stuffed dinosaur, a candle, the ornaments (yes, both so I can actually have one to hold on the way home). Then I decide to bring his little hat and some photos. I wanted to print off some pictures instead of bring any Polaroids or ultrasound photos, because those are irreplaceable.
I don't look at the disc of photos taken by the hospital often but when I do I scroll through them over and over and it seems like there are so many! Today I noticed that they are all numbered 1 through 17. That's not a lot of photos considering there will never be more pictures taken of Toren. Seventeen digital photos, about 6 Polaroids, and a handful of ultrasound pictures as proof that he was here for a little while. The photos printed off dim and hazy, hopefully just indicating that the ink is low, but that's how those days in the hospital to deliver feel - hazy. The visual memories are all a blur of soft edges and muted colors. The physical memories are sharp - stabbing contractions, my heart feeling like it was being squeezed, wrung out, twisted apart.
When it was time to leave the hospital after delivering I couldn't even imagine leaving Toren behind. You know what it's like. Even now I don't know how I walked out of that room. Even now I don't think I'm strong enough to leave him behind like that. I think I was given some Xanax. I put on sunglasses before leaving the room, not because I was ashamed of puffy, red eyes full of tears, but because I needed a barrier so that there would be no risk of making eye contact with anyone.
Even though I get very anxious about Toren's things when they are away from the house, the dinosaur box stayed in the car while I went to my office. Then there was a small fire in my building. Sitting outside waiting for news I imagined the fire engulfing the building and leaping over to the parking garage putting Toren's irreplaceable hat at risk of burning up! Even though the fire was probably extinguished already and the parking garage is concrete and not very flammable, my heart started beating faster and faster and my throat tightened. To rescue myself, I rescued the dinosaur box from the absent flames.
And that is how I came to be sitting at my desk with the dinosaur box sitting at my left elbow.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
My maternity leave
Co-worker, "CW", who I'm covering for, AGAIN, when she has her second son next month, is thrilled today because she just got a much coveted day care spot for the wee one, beginning in December. The baby will be too young to go in December but this means that she can return to work whenever she wants to. It turns out that she was crying last night at the thought of having to stay home alone with the baby because "they don't do anything".
I teased her by saying "Poor, poor, CW, having to stay home with the baby."
Of course it's annoying to hear someone talk about not wanting to be around their kids too much, and it's especially rude of her to say such inane things to me when she knows that my son died, but that is not upsetting me - it feels more like a fact of life to be dealt with. I'm annoyed because no one wants to hear my plan for maternity leave, even though it makes sense that no one is concerned since I'm not pregnant. But I will probably try to get pregnant within the next year and MAYBE I'll even get a baby that lives at the end of it and I will get maternity leave. Although, next time that I get a dead baby I'm taking "maternity" leave / mourning leave / regular leave instead of doing it like last time where I returned to work as soon as my swollen, lactating breasts could be squeezed back into work clothes. I tell you, everyone wants to see you get right back to normal after a pregnancy loss and they are so reassured when you go back to work. Like getting out of bed to shower and change into clean pj's before getting right back into bed isn't enough.
Even though my experience with live babies is incredibly limited, here is my plan for if I ever get a living baby:
1. Take a full six weeks off of work and spend that time holding the baby. Of course I'll have to put it down some times or let someone else have a turn but basically all I want to do is hold the baby for 6 weeks.
2. Cut my hours a work to a point where I still get benefits and make enough money and return to work 3 days a week and work from home to complete the rest of my hours. When I'm not working I'll be holding the baby.
3. Do step 2 for two to three years then consider preschool.
In reality there are probably many flaws to this plan and I will deal with those as they come along. But from my perspective of having such empty, aching arms for 3 years now and understanding how devastating it is when your child is gone, I see nothing that sounds more desirable than hugging and cuddling my child.
*****
Whether or not it is actually something to prepare for right now, do you have an ideal plan for your maternity leave?
I teased her by saying "Poor, poor, CW, having to stay home with the baby."
Of course it's annoying to hear someone talk about not wanting to be around their kids too much, and it's especially rude of her to say such inane things to me when she knows that my son died, but that is not upsetting me - it feels more like a fact of life to be dealt with. I'm annoyed because no one wants to hear my plan for maternity leave, even though it makes sense that no one is concerned since I'm not pregnant. But I will probably try to get pregnant within the next year and MAYBE I'll even get a baby that lives at the end of it and I will get maternity leave. Although, next time that I get a dead baby I'm taking "maternity" leave / mourning leave / regular leave instead of doing it like last time where I returned to work as soon as my swollen, lactating breasts could be squeezed back into work clothes. I tell you, everyone wants to see you get right back to normal after a pregnancy loss and they are so reassured when you go back to work. Like getting out of bed to shower and change into clean pj's before getting right back into bed isn't enough.
Even though my experience with live babies is incredibly limited, here is my plan for if I ever get a living baby:
1. Take a full six weeks off of work and spend that time holding the baby. Of course I'll have to put it down some times or let someone else have a turn but basically all I want to do is hold the baby for 6 weeks.
2. Cut my hours a work to a point where I still get benefits and make enough money and return to work 3 days a week and work from home to complete the rest of my hours. When I'm not working I'll be holding the baby.
3. Do step 2 for two to three years then consider preschool.
In reality there are probably many flaws to this plan and I will deal with those as they come along. But from my perspective of having such empty, aching arms for 3 years now and understanding how devastating it is when your child is gone, I see nothing that sounds more desirable than hugging and cuddling my child.
*****
Whether or not it is actually something to prepare for right now, do you have an ideal plan for your maternity leave?
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