This week I have been enjoying going to my NEW JOB! 

My job is fantastic and the people that I work with are nice (which is a huge improvement over my last job) and it is a research position so I'm actually using my degrees (my last position was admin).

When I was laid off they took my work ID, which is expected but the photo on my card was important.  The photo was taken during new-hire orientation - I had recently graduated, had just had a great summer with my husband, was excited in general, and I was pregnant.  I think that was the only photo taken when I knew was pregnant and was not yet consumed by worry.  I looked happy.  It was painful to have that photo taken away and a few time I thought about contacting HR to see if I could get a photocopy of the card but I didn't want them to think I was crazy and I didn't want to explain why I wanted it so badly and I didn't want to hear that the card had been destroyed already.

The most unexpected things turn out to be important mementos of our missing children.

My new job is back with the same organization and this week I had to submit a photo for my new ID card.  I took over 40 self portraits trying to duplicate the ease of the old photo but in them all I look too old, too strained, too plump, and just too weary to be that person from the old photo again.  This is the one selected because when tiny (like it would be on a ID) I look cheerful enough. 

I mean, it's fine but the last 4 years aged me more than 4 years should, you know?  And now that the hardest parts are in the past and things are looking rather positive I still can't get back to appearing like nothing happened.  I don't want most people to know about my son and my divorce anymore; I don't want to share that much.  Anyway, I don't know where that thought is going... 

I picked up my ID today and here's the photo it has on it

Apparently they kept the old photo on file and I'm so happy that they did :)  It's a relief to have documentation of that short time of utter joy. 

Sock it to me

I love Kym's Sockeroo's!  I want to give a huge "THANK YOU" to my sock buddy Alexicographer who leaves wonderful comments.  Look at the adorable socks she picked out for me - wine and sweets!  She totally hit the mark because I firmly believe that a drink and some chocolate are great coping mechanisms (wallowing in drunken sugar delirium is better than strangling someone)!

Kym gave the following thought to consider during this Sockeroo:
It has been roughly a year and a half since the last SITM Exchange. Reflect on the past 18 or so months – how has support from others, either in the blogosphere or otherwise, helped you?

Away from blogs I rarely seek support for the tough things because so many people are very uncomfortable with anything relating to grief or major loss.  Even with blogging I'm getting quieter, however, when I do bother to say something the support is incredible!  Upon publishing a post, most of the time I think I should have censored it more (to sound less insane), but more often then not the comments are supportive and there are so many other people who say they can relate. 

One of the most striking things I got from group therapy was that there were other people who look competent and put together but who were struggling like I was.  Even without really knowing each other listening, giving encouragement and truly wishing the best for others comes naturally in group therapy.  Kind of like the babyloss blogosphere.  I deeply want everyone of the people I have met through blogging to experience healing and see their dreams actualized and I believe there are people out there who wish the same for me.

Blogging has provided a very different type of relating with others.  I am rarely open about my feelings concerning Toren, divorce, or rainbow making attempts with anyone in person.  I think that expressing frustration and fear about not having conceived a baby yet is one of the more innocuous things I have expressed, but even that makes people look away.  They don't want to ask how the threat of infertility makes me feel given that I have already had heartbreaking luck in making babies that live.  But that is fine (truly!) because I can come here and say that I am so afraid that my parenting story ends with Toren that I can hardly breathe and I know that someone reading can face that horrible feeling with me.  Having someone acknowledge your feelings helps so much.

Now, in real life I have been getting other types of support from my friends and family - wonderful things like love, companionship and fun!  Knowing where to go for the kind of support you need is key.

Thank you all for the mountains of wonderful support you given me!

So, what about you?  What are your thoughts about finding support for the things that hurt terribly?

 Reasons to not be in a relationship with me

1.  Prior experience with marriage has removed all patience I have towards things that make me unhappy.  That being said, it takes a lot to make me unhappy.  But I'm afraid that once that balance is tipped it is hard to get me back to feeling secure.

2.  Neurotic about babies.

3.  Kind of emotionally unstable in general.  However, this one is also a huge benefit much of the time since I'm generally agreeable from being well medicated (relates to point #1).

4.  Not rich.

Why did I think that I'd be much better with a serious relationship because I'd been married?  SB gets excited about "working through problems" and the idea of couples counseling, but to be honest, I have little interest in either right now.

Eh, I'm probably still grumpy from that last menstrual period.

.....

Reasons to DATE me

1.  Generally in good spirits (really!)

2.  Doesn't need much convincing to make-out

3.  Good in bed

 .....

Perks to dating or being in a relationship with me

1.  Will pay for everything if the other person wants me to.

2.  Doesn't complain about episodes of bad sex.

.....

SB moved in last December (replacing one of my housemates) with the agreement that he would contribute to the household bills.  In reality it is very difficult to get him to pay anything and he never gives any money towards his rent without being asked for it.  He is three months behind (the only reason why he is not further behind is because his entire tax return went towards his back rent).  I am unemployed and he works and I am paying for his living expenses and I feel like an idiot.

We have a lot of fun together and it sucks that something as dumb as money has made me unhappy.  We have discussed this over and over and I always believe promises given.  It's to the point where I can't have a casual conversation with him because the main thoughts running through my head are about how dumb I feel because I'm in a bit of a financial pickle now.  I can't lay in my own bedroom and fall asleep because I am so angry.

But I also know that once I get upset I can't see things rationally.  Right now I think my best option is to ask him to move out and rent out the two spare rooms again (the second housemate moved out of state for an internship last month).  Can anyone talk me off of the breaking up ledge?

The music playing through the speakers on my desktop is a little too loud but it compensates somewhat for the rest of the house being so very quiet.

.....

Snuggle Bunny's friends are automatically presumed to be my friends too, which is great and I never even questioned this until the weekend before last when he was encouraging me over and over to have brunch with another couple because they really wanted to see us and this would be their last chance for a while since their baby would be born soon.  I'd been feeling much more relaxed regarding the pregnancies of others, at least from a distance, but didn't feel like seeing how my PTSD was doing lately by sitting across a table from a full-term sized belly.  I suggested that he go alone but he said that they are my friends too and they want to see me, which made me think that I would not spend time with the wife outside of parties and brunch.  She's much too argumentative (have your own opinion but every once in a while you gotta shut up and listen to other people if you want to have friends).  Brunch with a couple that I've seen occasionally for the past 2 years, and that I had just realized I didn't really connect with, did not seem worth risking my emotional state over.  SB suggested I take a clonazepam before we left the house and get a mimosa with brunch.  I did not take kindly to this suggestion of being sedated just to get through a stupid meal gracefully.

Things have not been super great between SB and me lately.

I'd been looking forward to an event tonight.  Then, just when all I am missing is a layer of lipstick before walking out the door, SB faces his phone screen towards me so I can see the photo of the couples daughter who was born a few hours ago.  And I'm really not trying to be a bitch about this or belabor the fact that my son didn't survive, but suddenly I felt the very opposite of hungry and being in a crowded, trendy gastro-pub all night no longer sounded fun.  I said I would drive over myself in a bit (SB is the dj tonight so has to be there from before start and after finish).

I am happy and super relieved that a new baby has been safely delivered.  I don't know why I'm reacting so poorly still.  And while time has helped a great deal, the sadness is kind of transforming into deeper self loathing since I'm ashamed for still being bothered at all and I'm ashamed of not being pregnant yet.  Oh, and I don't feel awesome for not having found a job yet either.  On top of all of this here's how my last period went:
Monday a week ago - spotting, 5-7 days before a period should show up
Tuesday - bleeding
Wednesday - nothing!?
Thursday through Saturday - a fucking blood bath
Sunday - bleeding
Monday - wondering if it will ever end
Today - I think it's wrapping up

Meanwhile SB is determined to impregnate me and keeps talking about it.  I give up!  I'm uncomfortable in this relationship and have completely lost faith that the vision of having a family of my own (in which I would be relaxed and mentally stable) will ever happen.

My car was in the shop for a while and when picking it up a friend suggested that instead of continuing to dislike the car and desire trading it in for something else (just been waiting for a reason and, now, a source of income for car payments), I should just keep it and enjoy it.  This is definitely the easier way to go.  So I stopped thinking about how much I can't wait to get rid of that tiny sports car with no back seat and I'm simply enjoying how fast the little thing goes.

....

That all may sound sad, but overall I've had a great summer and I'm managing well given the stress of being unemployed.  I've been meaning to write for months now but I'm tired of writing this story, I'm exhausted from Toren still being dead.  The next chapter was supposed to be about rainbows. 

Anyway, I've been chattering on about nothing every so often here. 

...Graceland...

Did you know that Elvis Presley had a twin who was stillborn or died at birth?  The grave markers of both of Elvis' parents list them as the parents of Elvis and Jessie.  I almost lost it; it was stunning to see that you can have freaking Elvis Presley as a child and still never, ever forget the child that died.  We really are in it for the long haul, huh? 

But it's also encouraging to see that it's ok, and normal, to remember the babies who so quickly fade out of the memories of others.

 

*****

...Seeking grace...

For a while you worry that you will forget, but that doesn't happen.  Now, it's not so much that I worry that I'll never forget but I worry that some of these feelings will never end.  I worry that I'll pretty much not give a shit about a lot of things ever again; things that used to be so important like credit scores, being successful and having lots of friends.  I worry that it really was from something that I did and that I really don't deserve a living child.  What if whatever the future brings is just a continuation of that sad story?  I'm concerned that a big comeback into living fully is not going to happen.

Parallels

Tonight I selected a Cabernet Sauvignon named Parallel 33 S, thinking it was good inspiration to contemplate parallel lives.  In a parallel universe there was a known price for that wine and it was purchased instead of a lovely Malbec.  Without getting deep into the theories, Hugh Everett III proposed that there are other universes, just like ours, except that different things happen, which would make each universe evolve differently.  Critical events may not happen to *you* in some other universe.  In some other universe you are raising that lost baby.  In some other universe Toren is alive and my marriage took a turn for the better and perhaps in that universe I did not get laid off from my job, which indeed did happen here last Thursday.

The weekend went ok but Monday arrived with a new kind of blues.  The lay-off was unexpected (but not surprising in hindsight) and sudden.  Just like that I have nowhere to be anymore.  Worse, just like that, they took back my ID, office key, and I still need to return to my office to pick up personal items, while supervised.  This is so humiliating.  Even though it was not performance based, I feel really lousy that a relatively small amount of money (I was not paid very well) was selected over keeping me around.  I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone, after working there for 6 years, and now I don't want to run into anyone from there because I'm overcome by shame.

This much shame...

BTW, chocolate and wine is actually a healthy way to cope in my book, as long as it's occasional.  On another day I'll talk about how I WILL NOT let losing a job where I was underpaid and going nowhere professionally get me down, in the meantime any stories of finding work after being laid off would be appreciated.  Anyone have any advice on job hunting, or even getting through tomorrow?

Garbage

Last Tuesday was off to an uncomfortable start from the get go (last post) so when my ex contacted me a few hours later asking to get together so he could give me some information for the re-negotiating the mortgage (another HUGE source of stress), I agreed.  In my opinion, it's a wiser move to add a negative task to an already not great day than to a great day.

First, let me say that is really stinks that even if you divorce, everyone who was initially put on the mortgage is still responsible for the mortgage, no matter what the divorce papers say.  It just makes things, like continued communication with your ex-husband who walked away from the freaking house leaving you with all of the stress of paying for it, annoying.

I suspected he really wanted to just talk.

He suggested Sta.rbucks, but I like that place so I suggested a bar that I don't really like going to (why risk creating bad memories at a location you like?).  It started out well.  We met in high school and were married for 11 years (that's 19 years of nearly daily contact) so there is a huge feeling of comfort just being near him.  On some level he probably gets me more than anyone else does.  But it was also uncomfortable for both of us, which makes me feel like a bar was a good choice (even though anything in excess of moderate drinking is not good) because I WANTED him to say all that was on his mind that night; I didn't want this to be a conversation that extended over time.

On our second drinks, I ask why he just signed another year's lease on his apartment when he wants to move to be near his mom.  He'd been seeing someone (for 6 days), and they were really hitting it off, until the weekend of the March for Babies when he had some sort of breakdown about Toren and freaked out the girl.  He made it a point to tell me that one main "flaw" with her was that she was not able to have children - why he thinks it's ok to tell that to the person who failed at making a baby that can live is beyond me.  And, that he considers this a negative point in the person he is seeing is insulting for all women who struggle with family building.

Eventually, he asks me about the "elephant in the room", which I couldn't guess which elephant he was talking about so he asks "How are you and SnuggleBunny doing?".  I hadn't mentioned my boyfriend to my ex-husband, because that seems rude, so I tell him we are doing well, SB is probably the funniest person I have ever met, and he is living in the house now.  It seems totally inappropriate to tell the person I was last planning a family with that SB and I are hoping to have a baby soon, so I don't mention it.  Saying something like that could be hurtful.

Then he says "You probably know I was seeing Karen*".
* = names are NOT changed to protect the innocent

At which point I order a third glass of wine.  I didn't know he was seeing Karen.  Why would I know that?  Karen, the female part of a couple we used to spend time with; a couple that split up soon after we did.  Karen, who has two adorable young sons who I played video games with and watched movies with on mornings when we stayed over at their house.  Apparently they got pretty serious for a while there.  Serious enough that she and her family are friends with his family on FB, while his family have never wondered if I was doing ok (although, he probably didn't say that he dumped my ass and instead he would have spouted off some victimizing lies and implied that our separation was mutually decided upon).  He probably tucked those boys into bed.

A week later it still makes me angry that he thought it was ok to tell me about a relationship he had, with one of our mutual friends, with a woman who can make living baby boys.  There was so much more involved, but basically he left me and hooked up with a woman who has living, beautiful sons.

Giving birth to a dead baby is so unattractive.

Soon he starts to do things on his computer, preparing to email the mortgage information to me and I'm freaking out and self conscious so try to look important by sending a text to SB letting him know I'll be home soon and then to Debbie, admitting that I need to look busy right now and thanking her for her support.

*****

At home I pour another glass of wine, talk to my dad on the phone about my plan to start prostitution to afford this damn house, and then I go quiet and SB looks over and I tell him about how sad something I'm reading is and I start to read aloud Mandy's words from this post and then I'm sobbing.  SB then makes me go to bed, which was exactly what I needed, and he hugs me for hours.

*****

Yesterday, four years ago, I graduated from a masters program.  I felt like we were so put together.  Ex and I had a house (2 spare bedrooms and a big backyard), cars, and my education was done for now.  We had come MILES from where our own parents were.   I wanted my children to be WANTED, and although Toren was conceived several months sooner than expected (I planned a few months to get the hormonal contraceptives out of my system), he was planned for and there were years of preparation for HIM. 

"But the diaper bag remains untouched."

I don't think there is anything I want more than a family of my own.  But it's more sick than that ... there is part of me that needs to pick up where the ex and I left off ... I so want that decade of preparation to lead to something other than a broken heart.  I can't imagine, or really desire, a pregnancy leading to someone other than Toren.  And there is no way to express this to SB without hurting his feelings. 

*****

Divorce is hard.

But not nearly as hard as walking out of the hospital while your child's body is taken to the morgue.

One foot in front of  the other until it's been almost 4 years and you wonder how it's possible that so much time has passed.  He was so precious ... how has time continued without him?  Part of me is still there waiting, arms held out waiting to be given something other than a memory box.